Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

Neither was I diagnosed until 2 years ago, age 45, and I didn't even realise I was on the autistic spectrum until 2020 when I really struggled post lockdown. My dad and brother have never been diagnosed but we all now recognise they have many traits too. My parents have really struggled in their marriage because they had no understanding that they were made differently and my mum just thought my dad was being "bloody-minded". When my dad was diagnosed with depression 25 years ago, my mum told him he didn't have depression as he'd always been "a grumpy miserable sod" and that made him feel much happier weirdly!! Sadly he was never assessed for Aspergers (as it was called then).

Obviously I know absolutely nothing about the OP and her DH. I'm simply sharing my experience. (Having a diagnosis has been life changing for me, hence being slightly evangelical, sorry.)

Ah I get it OP. My husband is the same. He gets a bit stand-offish when I invite him to anything involving a group he’s unfamiliar with, so basically anything including extended family or a party arranged by a friend. He then gets really grumpy on the day. I used to be the same “you don’t have to come, I’ll just make an excuse” and then after a few times I was like fuck it. So I don’t give him that option anymore.

I do sometimes get annoyed he’s in a grump on the day as it brings me down and I feel guilty making him do something I don’t want to. My dad is the same and my mum used to miss out on so much until I persuaded her to just go alone, so seeing the same issue in him upsets me, which is why I don’t give him the option to skip something anymore. However he has social anxiety and more often than not he enjoys himself once he shows up so that also encourages me to no longer give him the option to say no.

Unfortunately your husband is right, you did give him the option so as annoying as it is, he is not in the wrong, though I get what you mean that it shouldn’t be this complicated inviting him somewhere.

Why- because he’s a miserable fuck who has her walking on eggshells.

This is so clearly an attempt to cut off her family, (a) be difficult about going (b) use the time to really show them all how he hates spending time with them (c) getting offended when she doesn’t make him look stellar (d) weaponise point c the next time round. You think nobody here has actually experienced this dynamic.

this is “so clearly” a very unhappy rotting marriage

Yes it is.

and this is a consequence of that

That's pretty shit of him not making an effort for you and your family.

We all do things we don't want to sometimes, to please those we care about.

Sounds like he's a moody, stroppy man ☹️

Yes. You would have annoyed me, too.

My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think? is not asking him to be there.

You see - I disagree with this. Because a lot of British people ask things in this rather oblique way. Think “would anyone like this last potato?” instead of “can I eat it?” or the “only if it’s no trouble” riders that people add to things. So unless the OP is usually absolutely direct in her speech, then her DH would have known exactly what she meant by what she said: that she wanted him to come to the family event with their kids.

Agree with others that DH sounds like a moody teen! “How was I supposed to know?”/“you didn’t issue a formal request in words of one syllable”/“I wanted to play my computer games”. I am petty, but I’d throw this one back at him next time there’s something on that he wants to do. “There’s football on at the pub on Saturday” = you didn’t tell me that you wanted to go there and watch it, you just told me the fact that it was on etc. See how he likes it in reverse…..

You’ve kept changing the goalposts on him OP! Why did you say it was ok for him to bow out only to get grumpy later when he actually did bow out?
If it was that important to you you should have said so in the first place. Yes he should have tried to make the effort but you’ve sent mixed messages.

It's a shame he can't work out for himself where those goal posts should be, or be more adaptable and compromising

You're being unreasonable here.

You said he didn't have to come and that you'd make an excuse - then complained about doing so.

Two things:

1. I feel he should have made an effort to see your duster at least once. Is there a reason he doesn't like her or see her?
2. if you wanted him there and said it's "weird" he wasn't there, you shouldn't have said it was OK for him not to go! Why say you'll make an excuse for him then be funny about it?

If he didn't want to go, why do you need to make up an excuse? I would have just told him "I said you didn't want to come" it's the truth, if he didn't want people to know that, he needed to front up and go. On the other hand if you wanted him to join you, you shouldn't have given him the option or maybe asked why he was grumpy every time you brought it up. Seems to me there is a lack of honest communication somewhere.

It seems to me the problem here is that he's extremely grumpy, you're afraid of his moods so communicate in quite a passive, round about way that's actually making things worse.

You didn't ask him to go. You implied. If you wanted him to go you should have said so in clear terms. I know my own DH wouldn't get the hint.
He's put out because he DOES feel guilty and is trying to pin that on you!

That's all fair enough - I think you needed to be more direct.

I think if you have a good relationship and you really wanted him to come you could have said you know he hates big family events but you'd really like him to be there. It's annoying he's sulking but maybe you can have a chat - you could say sorry for not being clearer from the start and he should definitely apologise for being grumpy.

I think he didn’t want to go, but didn’t want to look like the bad guy.
Does he actually like your sister/family, or is this some kind of attention seeking thing (my dad was happy to have his mates/parents round at virtually last minute’s notice, but would be like this with other family events)?

I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view
what is his point of view? He doesnt enjoy them so he gets to opt out? And if you insist he attends he ruins it with his childish mood? Is that his attitude in general? What parts of family life do you get to opt out of?

He just wanted to stay home and play video games without me and the kids in his hair.
How often does he take the children out alone? How often does he plan fun things for them to do and facilitate it? How much of family life is he actively involved in? As he sounds like a manchild

This. He is unpleasant so you dare not ask

You've gaslit him

I don’t see why partners have to go to every gathering. Surely missing one here or there doesn’t doom a marriage. Op have the out he accepted and had a child day.

A day with the house to himself which is often quite wanted on threads by mums. You doing a cross word or gardening or whatever is no different really to him using the empty house to chill and game.

Him being or not being just a grumpy sod in general is a possible marriage issue for you but having to go to every single family gathering or else is a death sentence to the married is over dramatic.

But nobody has said that. It's a once a year obligation for him.

I’m sure ops family and his and their friends have more than one event or gathering in a year. His opted out with permission to this one event of this year.

Is there some back story here, OP?

Maybe a previous love affair between him and your sister? A disagreement in the past? Something about how she acts when she's back?