Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

He should have known he was supposed to come for a whole family event like that really, does he often avoid socialising?

I don't think you were testing him at all. Perhaps you weren't communicating expectations clearly, but what I read from your post is he didn't want to exert himself to go, but didn't want to look like 'the bad guy' for his lack of effort, and wanted you to make it all look OK, with him making no effort at all.

My DH is mostly great about family things, but moans a bit about some of the things we need to do related to DD's hobby (which involves other families/parents as well), and the deal there is either go or don't go, but don't go and then be grumpy, and don't not go but expect me to make up some elaborate reason so you still get to be the great sociable one next time. Make your own decision like a grown up and own it.

It sounds to me like the OP's DH wanted to not go, but have everybody still think he was marvellous and had a very good reason for not going, when really he just didn't want to.

You both need help with communication but I can understand why DH is pissed off. You gave him an out, he took it, you then blame him. He couldn't win.
I rarely attend DH's family events. The same stories trotted out, year on year. They talk about people and events that I have no idea of and, if I'm honest, they aren't particularly nice people. I may be projecting but I can see why he's angry.

Or alternatively, rather than just saying “I know it’s not your thing, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d come”, OP has refused to ask outright and done the whole “But I want him to want to come! 🙁” thing. It’s manipulative - like when someone says “Oh no, don’t bother getting me anything for my birthday/our anniversary” and you know damn well they’ll raise merry hell if there’s no present.

OP gave her partner a get-out clause and is now fed up because he called her bluff and took it.

Why didn’t you just say I want you to come. Why say you don’t have to, then ask him the day before if he wants to, then complain about it.

if you want him there, tell him.

You said he didn't have to come straight away, then asked again and he said he'd prefer not to go. He did nothing wrong.

Its odd he dislikes spending time with your family so much, especially as your sister doesn't visit often.

But if you want him there say so. Don't change your mind, mention it again in passing them blame him for sticking to the original plan.

I can see why he's annoyed tbh.

You told him he didn't have to come, then when he didn't you were passive aggressive.

Sorry but this is on you I'm afraid.

Plus no one in this day and age should have to 'suck it up' and socialise when they don't want to.

You're all totally right about my poor communication

There is no issue between my H and my family at all. They are so lovely to him and he would say that same. He just wanted to stay home and play video games without me and the kids in his hair. He told me that.

I totally admit though I told him that was OK. I don't know why I did that. He's always so grumpy at that stuff so i guess I thought it would be less stressful without him.

My message the day before should have said "Please come" rather than just asking him again. I can totally see that.

I wasn't mad with him about it. I was just honest that it was weird him not being there. Of course it was. My whole family was there except him.

My DH hates big family things! I will make excuses for him but, usually, I don't need to because he will ensure he's doing something to prevent him from coming. If I want him to come I will say "I want you at this event" and he will come and, annoyingly, be the life and soul 🙄 When he doesn't go I get comments, to the effect, the hosts are very disappointed.
I've learned to live with this so I no longer feel peeved at DH's absence.

I think you need to communicate more clearly and so does he. Not sure if therapy is an option but if not, why not say:

• I should have communicated better with you. I told you it was ok not to come, but I actually didn’t mean it, and that was the wrong thing to do.
• in hindsight, I wish I’d asked you to come because it means a lot to me to spend time with my family
• I didn’t mean to test you - it wasn’t deliberate! I just didn’t think enough about how I’d feel when I got there and everyone else’s partner was there
• in future, I’d love you to be at family events [when my sister comes to town / once a year / once a month / whatever matters to you]. Would that be ok, and what could we do to make that nice for you as well (eg book a hotel rather than staying, he goes out with his mates the next day, you make a point of not complaining about visiting his in laws, you say you’ll leave when he asks, etc)?

and I’d want him to say sorry for being aggressive about it and accusing you of doing it on purpose!

but no one really wrong, I think, just poor communication all around

Say clearly " I want you to suck it up and not be a grumpy old Victor Meldrew" once a year. That's not too much to ask.
My mum likes to take me to family stuff that I don't enjoy, but I suck it up for her.

You asked him twice if he wanted to go and even went as far as to offer to make an excuse if he didn't want to, it isn't fair to make him feel guilty about not going now.

You should have been clear from the get go. "My sister is over and we are having a get together, I would like you to come with us."

Think this sums it up really well honestly!

when you were honest he felt guilty and that’s why he reacted like he did, I’d say

I think he's right.

You told him he had free choice, and then you didn't like the choice he made.

You second message didn't say you wanted him there, it gave him another opportunity to choose.

Well I can see why he was annoyed, you said it was fine for him not to go but in reality it wasn't. Communication lies at the heart of this issue. But what is the back story? Does he not like your family? If he is regularly skipping out on events with your family it does have an impact on the relationship dynamic, which will be hard work to work past the resentment etc.

Cross posted: if it's a one off then chalk this one up poor communication. Address it l, apologise and move on.

you say he’s been grumpy for weeks

have you probed as to why?

Does he ever get an opportunity to play games without you and the kids in his hair though? (And do you ever get a similar opportunity?) I can see how if that’s the only time he gets it’s fairly tempting to avoid a family thing he doesn’t like.

He's always so grumpy at that stuff

so why did you want him around to spoil a rare family get together with your sister?

I totally admit though I told him that was OK. I don't know why I did that. He's always so grumpy at that stuff so i guess I thought it would be less stressful without him.

So he thinks it's okay to be irritable around your family? Are you allowed to be grumpy around his? I would absolutely not be okay with this kind of dynamic going forward. If he's going to opt out of seeing your family, return the favour and make him take the kids on his own to see his relatives, leaving you free to read in the garden all day.

You should have said « I know you don’t like these things but it means a lot to me if you could come » because that’s how you feel.

It’s not ok to say « it’s fine not to come I’ll make an excuse » if you don’t actually mean that!!! And then guilt tripping him after- it’s not ok!

Id be fuming if I were him!

The default shouldn't be that he doesn't go though. The default should be that he goes and acts like a fucking adult because he's OP's husband not a moody teenage boy.

She didn't. She wanted the man who is supposed to care for her to put himself out for two hours to be pleasant and sociable with the people she loves. It's really not acceptable that people get to just 'be grumpy' so other people excuse them from everyday courtesies. Grumpy is a choice and he should choose not to be.

He should have made the effort

You should have been clearer that you expected him to go

Both a bit BU

Why would it be weird? Can't you do anything without him? They're your family not his, you spent years living with them without him. Why make him go if he doesn't want to, it'd probably be even more awkward with him there if he didn't want to be there.

Did you actually want him there? Or were you simply telling him it was weird without him?

If he's grumpy I wouldn't want him there anyway putting you on edge. It's probably weird if it's the first one he misses, but if you're not bothered about him being there and he doesn't want to go tell him in advance of the next event that if he doesn't want to be there that's absolutely fine but he needs to provide you with a valid excuse to tell the family as you're not going to be responsible for lying to them when you're already the one facing the awkwardness of them wondering why he's not there.

I'd also probably tell him you'd rather he wasn't there if he's just going to be grumpy. But whatever you do, it shouldn't be causing you extra worry or stress while he gets to sit at home child free playing playstation.