In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

I think this sounds like a massive overreaction on your part to be honest. There was no cross over in your relationships, I don't understand why you are so against spending time with this woman.

I would suck it up.

She is married with a child, she is not a threat. Don't make yourself look like the mad jealous one.

And I am still friends with a previous boyfriends parents. I do see them from time to time and send them Christmas cards. It's not that unusual.

That’s a huge over-reaction .. sounds like they were young, not very serious, and broke up years ago. More like old friends than ex’s.

Do you think he’ll see how attractive she is, and suddenly run off with her, or start comparing you to her ? Despite nobody showing any sign of it.

Seems to me that everyone is behaving like an adult , except you

I would find it uncomfortable, but I find it weirder that she and his parents are friends. I don’t think it’s a situation where everyone will all get along fine, there is still residual shit going on there.

Well yanbu and it's weird that they are still so much in contact given it was only a brief relationship. Even so, it does seem very disrespectful to you to conveniently forget that they were coming over. Why is your dh so keen to go?

its all a bit odd tbh i wouldnt feel comfortable

So not one person thinks it's weird of his parents to 'forget' they invited his ex round when they knew full well OP would be there with HER husband? Of course this isn't right and I wouldn't be happy either.

She's just a friend now really. Starting a fight about this makes you look very insecure.

She can't help how she looks. Do you only befriend people who you deem to be the same level of attractive as you?

It doesn’t sound like she’s a threat and I don’t think anyone is in the wrong but I’d be annoyed about it too! I’m an antisocial introvert though so I’d be annoyed at having to spend time with anyone!

Be honest - would you be ok about it if she was less attractive than you? If so, I understand but YABU.

Just invite your ex and family to dinner Thursday.

I'd be fine with this, but I'm still friends with a couple of my exes. Myself, my DH and kids have stayed over with my ex, his wife and family. They are exes for a reason, no one wants to go back, but also you may well have been with them because they are a nice/interesting person and the friendship remains even if all romantic feelings have passed

You are being bitter and unreasonable. Suck it up and make an effort with her. She's done nothing wrong whatsoever.

But then I wonder how it works… there is no feelings left whatsoever? Is your husband ok with it? There is uncomfortable moments ever? And also why in this case the in laws stay in touch? So many questions.

Thanks everyone.

We were originally not coming until Wednesday, we changed our mind and came yesterday instead. Apparently they had messages his ex on Friday and planned her coming round and totally blanked when we came early. I do find it hard to believe she wouldn't message when she was on the way or the morning of to check it's ok?

While they are friends DH hasn't seen her since before we got together other than at a friends wedding so they aren't proper friends.

I'd probably feel differently if she was less attractive/had an obvious flaw but thats not the case. It's hard seeing someone your DH was with when they are "better" than you.

I think your in laws are being very insensitive. Keeping such a close relationship with the ex and not even caring enough to see how this would impact on you, their son's wife , when you are suddenly thrown together.

But I would be really annoyed at your DH if I were you. Not very nice at all that he is so keen to go to the meal and very disrespectful of your feelings. Surely he can see how uncomfortable the whole situation is for you..

I find this really weird unless there is more of a backstory about why they all want to socialise together.

I really only have to say one thing here, PLEASE GET OVER IT.

Doesn't mean op has to be her friend and spend her annual leave with her!

OP I feel like you’re less bothered she’s his ex and more upset about the perceived ‘she’s prettier than me’ - she’s clearly become a good friend to his mum over the years (hamper, visits etc) and you’ve all moved on, married etc.
It could be lovely for you all to hang out! Especially with children similar ages.
Stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to her, absolutely no good will come of it.

Also DH keeps saying that there is absolutely nothing between them anymore. That he probably never loved her as he really hurt her and he couldn't imagine doing to me what he did to her. He says he thinks he was with her because when the "it girl" offers and your young you don't say no even though he wasn't really in the headspace for a relationship at the time.
He also made the point that he hurt her so bad he's surprised she doesn't push him out a window, so most likely also feels nothing towards him.

I asked why they are friends and he said because she's nice/friendly/interesting and they have loads in common, he keeps saying he wants her to be happy and is glad she is and he's happy with me so everyone won in the end.

My husband ex is definitely not better than me but it will still annoy me… not sure why. Probably, the lack of respect for my territory if you see what I mean 😂

Weird and insensitive behaviour by the in-laws, and very weird of DH to suggest putting her baby in for a nap with yours in your baby's cot.

Ask people in real life. You’ll get more understanding than you’re likely to here.
Of course it feels weird. She’s an ex who he wants to go out to dinner with even if you stay home. Strange that in-laws didn’t think of you in their planning.