In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

You are massively over reacting. Have stayed with several exs and their wives, with partner and when single. What are you worried about?

Also beauty is nothing to be measuring yourself against, though the patriarchy well and truly has us by the short and curlies on this one. But DON'T give into this type of thinking.

If beauty made a man stay with a woman, why is Brad Pitt no longer with Angelina Jolie? Why did MGK be unfaithful to Megan Fox. These women are SO beautiful but things fell apart for both of them.

There's so much more to a relationship than beauty. So stop comparing yourself. There is so much more to love than superficial beauty and you know it so stop letting your inner debbie downer try and sabotage you.

I’d probably feel different if she were less attractive/had an obvious flaw but that’s not the case. It’s hard seein someone your DH was with when they are “better’ than you.

Seriously, just because she is gauged more beautiful in today’s beauty standards, it doesn’t mean she is better or worth more than you. She is also a person on the inside and may not truly see herself as any more beautiful anyone else. Looks is only one element of a person and your dh chose you, not his ex.

Supreme confidence is the ultimate sexiness. Own your worth OP.

Right posted before I read your thread. There are some great resources about self esteem out there - it could really help you with your insecurity. Your husband chose you. End of. This is a you problem and you will feel much better about yourself if you work on it.

All of this bullshit accepts the premise that she’d ‘better’ because you think she’s more conventionally good looking. She’s not better than you (or if she is then it’s certainly not for this reason), toss that idea out and hold your head high. Jesus Christ, woman, you need to have a word with yourself.

Tbh she is very forgiving to be in the same room as him! I think you need to nod and smile through it. Just ensure it doesn’t happen again. The dinner is over familiar but I’d put up with it. I would not tantrum over it it may put his back up and push them closer together. Your ex seems to see her as an old friend hence your children playing together. Her dh knew about it, to you it was a surprise which made it worse. I would have a serious chat with dh once your home and hope he understands your feelings!

Maybe take a leaf out of his book and try to feel more secure. You saying she's 'better' than you makes me feel sorry that you seem so insecure. It's not that abnormal to be vaguely friendly with your ex and they were together a long time ago, she's married now and so is he. Try to relax a bit as it sounds like you're about to cause some drama which will reflect badly on you.

Maybe you have a better personality though. Obviously he prefers you despite your perceived less attractiveness, there is more to someone than their appearance! Or maybe he doesn't see her as more attractive at all.

I am still friends with exes and see them, stay with them, their new partners and kids so I don't think it's weird in that sense. But I would find it out of order if my parents invited one of my exes out to dinner with my partner and me and didn't give any warning. There's often a little awkwardness in these situations and it's only fair for people to know what to expect and have the option to bow out with a suitable excuse.

I think I'd go along with it this time but make it clear to your partner that in future you would like to be warned. Try and see her as friends of his parents and not as the ex.

There's nothing wrong with your in-laws being friendly with an ex but you do sound very insecure and a bit bonkers. There's also nothing wrong with two babies having a nap together, what do you think could happen?
I'm actually a bit confused as to why you feel this way.

I agree.
Very inconsiderate of them.
Let everyone tell you that you are unreasonable to have any feelings on this matter.h🙄
I would be seriously unimpressed with my in laws for their fxxk up and they wouldn't be seeing me for dust.
As for your husband, let him off.
If he is also dismissive of your feelings, you have the heads up on him too.
I cannot think of many I'm laws that really cared, would be so casual and cavalier....but this is MN so who knows!

Chuckling to myself that so many posters are pretending that they would be ok with this and telling the OP she needs to work on her self esteem. On Mumsnet, which is full of women who enjoy nothing more than trying to pull other women down cos of their own insecurities.
Yeah it's weird @Thatsmybunnysir and there's not many women who would be ok with this despite what some of these posters are insisting 🙄

There is no way I would want to meet any of my DH’s ex’s and be forced to spend time with them. Your DH and in laws are being very disrespectful and insensitive towards you. I would also be on my way home immediately.

There’s a lot of cool wives on Mumsnet but I’m definitely not one of them!

I'm still friendly with an ex's parents. Our parents were friends and although my relationship broke up decades ago, his parents and I still send each other Xmas cards and pop in if in their area. They came to my wedding when I eventually married someone else. I don't have any issue with their son and have got on with both his wives. It's a complete non-issue.

A pp said there would be loads of awkward silences at the meal. I think everyone other than the OP will be having a good time despite the OP sulking. It's clear that the ex is no threat but her dh might start reassessing his attraction to the OP if she lets this jealousy fester.

But @Thatsmybunnysir it's not all about how attractive she is versus what you think you look like, he married you not her, so you won.

The challenge is chatting to your DHs ex and her partner without it being a chore...

If you dont go, you'll probably feel your DH was disloyal to you, so I think youd be better off going. Either way though, your reaction suggests theres trouble brewing... I do hope I'm wrong.

You think two strange 1 year olds in the same cot would just go to sleep nicely and stay out of each others way and not wake each other up? Haha obviously you don't have a child!

No big deal. Honestly

I'm with you OP, I would HATE this!!

Whether I felt comfortable or not I would be going to that dinner and being my fabulous self, any other reaction and you come out of it looking like the bad guy/immature etc.
Realistically it's a dinner it's not the start of a regular event you can do it. By all means say to your DH after, I did that because I didn't want to cause upset with your family, but I expect you to have my back if it comes up again and I'm letting you know I don't want to spend time with her.

I actually think I'd be fine with any of DHs exes barring one, DH and I were friends from secondary school so I knew most of them anyway, and we got on fine, but there was one in particular who told lies about me to try and stop us being friends. In all honesty she was probably insecure about the connection we've always had, and let's be honest rightly so given we are now married and have been together fifteen years. However I would never have cheated and neither would he. That's the implication I didn't like, that I was the scarlet woman who couldn't be trusted around her boyfriend...

The only person that's being weird here is you. Really can't understand why you are bothered. If it's just jealousy you her to get over that. Jealously is not a nice trait.

A big nope that weird from me.

Sure people can be “friends” with whoever they like. But also remember that OP, you hold all the cards.

You can stay away from the weirdo in laws and keep your children away too, if you are uncomfortable and feel disrespected.

When your in laws start needing help, or wondering why they don’t see their GC, they might wish they gave a little more consideration for their DIL.

Your Hs relationship with this woman, 2.5 years when they were young is completely inconsequential OP, in fact if your presumably decent man treated her that badly he was surely barely the same person. So irrelevant is this short period of time in his youth that she's more a friend of his mum and dad than anything to do with his life. So yes, YABU. Go to dinner with a nice couple of friends of your in laws, because that's all they are.

Don't be so insecure. You're the one wearing the ring.

What's your relationship with your in-laws, OP? Do you think the ex has a better relationship with them?

You don't have to be comfortable with this, but running off with your son to avoid the dinner is a bit much.

You can sit the dinner out, but unless you have reason to believe someone there will harm your son, there's no reason he shouldn't enjoy this time with his family.