In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

It's a bit strange the ex and her family are such close friend with your husband's family, yet your husband hasn't seen her in years? Did I get that right?

It's equally weird to suggest to all have dinner together, yet you have never met these people and your husband apparently doesn't have much contact with her. That's a lot all at once.

Also, the napping in the cot? If the two kids were friends and you were all friends and had known each other for years and were very close, I could understand it. Now it's just awkward all around.

Mega over-reaction here..

Effectively, these people are friends of your partners parents. Thats all.

They've over-stepped slightly by issuing an invite to dinner in front of the other party where you're then pushed to accept as to decline is awkward and potentially rude... yes, doesn't matter who the other party is in that context.

But them simply being invited and due to your change of plans, this being forgotten is not some heinous crime nor is it a big deal, and getting funny about the two kids having a nap in the same cot is ... bizarre.

Yeah I agree it's wierd. It's wierd of in laws to invite them round while you're there. To plan a big family meal with his ex. For you DH to suggest putting the kids to sleep together in the cot. And for him to insist on still going to the meal with his ex without his family. You've said you're not comfortable with it. His wife isn't comfortable with it. That's more important with catching up with an ex he hasn't seen in 8 years imo.

I don’t think the in-laws are doing anything wrong maintaining a relationship with someone they were once close to, there’s no reason for them to stop seeing her, sounds like it’s a nice relationship and I’m sure no intention for her to arrive when you were there. That said your DH should have said no to dinner after you made it clear you’re uncomfortable. I do think you’re over reacting but perhaps it’s low self esteem, but I’m sure many would feel the same way as you, so you’re not unreasonable. Your DH clearly wants to catch up, and given her husband is going to be there I wouldn’t be worried but he could put your feelings first

I think you need to get over yourself.

The point that some are overlooking is that only the OP knows if she is comfortable with this situation, and this particular ex girlfriend. If she is, that's absolutely fine and she can determine what level of contact she's happy to have with her and her family. That's her decision.

What is absolutely NOT ok in this situation is the in-laws contriving situations where the ex pops up out of nowhere (with a very expensive and OTT gift to boot) and catches her on the back foot, and that then she finds herself being railroaded into going out to dinner with them in short succession. That is a massive overreach by the in-laws in her and her husband's relationship, and her DH seems only too happy to go along with it. That is massively disrespectful.

If she goes along with it, what next? Will she find the in-laws have invited them on the family holiday next year?

OP, you are not being unreasonable. You are not helping yourself with your comments about her relative attractiveness, which many have latched onto, but you are not being unreasonable. The situation is inappropriate and weird, and I say that as someone who numbers an ex and his wife amongst my DH and my closest friends.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be feeling the same way. However, from what you've shared, your husband is not really in the wrong here, it seems he's just trying to be nice to her. About your in-laws feeling this way about her, I'd just shrug my shoulders, you're not married to them, after all. In spite of how it's affecting you, I'd have dinner with them, and I'd look in the mirror and remind myself that I am the queen of the castle, not her. Just shove your insecurities under the rug, and feel good about yourself. You're the only one who can validate yourself in this situation, you've got to be your own best friend in times like these.

It’s much easier for him to be comfortable though, as he isn’t left wondering why his in-laws are facilitating/ encouraging this.

Another YANBU, I'd feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps the in-laws thought it would break the ice between before the wedding?

Tbh op this is only uncomfortable because you're making it a big deal. By a certain age most people have exes in their past and its not that uncommon for people to move in the same social circles afterwards which is really all that's happening here.

The ONLY issue that's actually causing problems here is your low self esteem and inability to stop comparing yourself to her. If you were able to stop doing that then this would be a non issue.

It's weird and I wouldn't want to spend my annual leave with DH's ex either, especially if my in laws think of her as a "daughter" and DH called her the "it" girl.

Fuck that. I'd put DS in the car and go home in peace.

You're jealous because he slept with a more attractive (your words) woman than you. Howver, he MARRIED you. You should take some solace in that.

I was treated a bit like a daughter by the parents if an ex before & after we split up. When we both got married to our respective partners his wife put a stop to the situation. I completely understood.

Plus. A lot of women who are happy putting another woman in that situation would not be happy, if tables were turned.

Would your husband be happy if the shoe was on the other foot. I doubt it.

If she is so gorgeous, has an amazing man and a child, maybe it's to say "you could have had that but you fucked up and lost it".

Exactly this!

So many internet "cool wives" on this thread that would be abso-fucking-lutely not ok in the real world, if this happened to them.

@Thatsmybunnysir it's weird. Really weird. An ex of just a couple of years, who your husband was awful too, and he has nothing to do with, has been invited to his parents and has turned up with wedding anniversary gifts. Christ he was only with her, in his youth for a couple of years, and this is 7 odd years ago. He's been with you for 6 years, got married, had a baby, and his parents are calling her round to their house to coincide with your visit? Then want a second meeting, a full dinner on Thursday? What the hell?

No you are not over reacting. This is really weird. And hey, maybe she is pretty. But at the end of the day he didn't want her. He married you.

Just because there's three of them and one of you, do not let them make out that you're the problem. You're not.

What a charmer you are.

When you marry, you are meant to respect your spouse’s feelings and take care of each other. If the op is uncomfortable (for any reason) she has a right to those feelings and her husband, if he loves and cherishes her, would keep his distance from the other female who I assume has been intimate with.

If that sounds foreign to you, then what’s the point of marriage? My husband and I took vows to love, honour and obey. Those words have kept us in good stead.

I think you’re overreacting. It’s not as if she was the one who done the dirty on your husband and left him with a broken heart. He didn’t want her anymore so there no reason to be jealous. You’re feeling a bit inferior but you shouldn’t. It was a long time ago and everyone has moved on to an amicable relationship.

But it also could be read that he settled for OP, while he was with that 'it girl' bfore and messed it up. Just saying, marrying someone is not always the win.

My sister still in close contact with an ex MiL -she was only married for 18 months, and the divorce was over 50 years ago,

Sounds like an overreaction.

I I can see why your DH and his ex are comfortable meeting up as they’ve put the past behind them and are happy with their current partners.

But, I can also see your perspective as I wouldn’t be thrilled either, especially all having dinner together! I’d go along with it this time, but I’d say to my DH that I don’t want to meet up with them again. You don’t have to be friends with them if you’re not comfortable.

YANBU. I think the main person in the wrong here is your husband. He should prioritise your feelings over everyone else's. Jealousy or insecurity is a normal feeling, and it shows that you care about someone. If you are feeling a little insecure, or in any way uncomfortable, your husband should address that immediately by stepping back from this ex and prioritizing you. The fact that he wants her as a friend is not important, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You are number one and therefore if it makes you feel weird then he needs to find a new friend. That's the price you pay if you want a strong and enduring relationship.

Think you are being a tad immature here.

I am in the “this is a bit wierd” camp. I can understand that if your dh’s parents got on very well with his ex they could still see her & invite her to things where they had other friends coming as well. But a dinner with only them, their son plus wife and their son’s ex-girlfriend plus husband? No that is just a bit too awkward & strange that they can’t see that.

I also think its a bit wierd of the ex and her husband to be hanging round the parents of someone that she used to know, but who dumped her and then slept with her best friend! Are they also hanging round with the parents of the husband’s exs as well?