In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

I’d find it irritating and weird but I’d put my big girl pants on. I’d make an effort to be friendly with her so I don’t look like a fruitcake. You might also like her more if she’s less ‘mysterious ex’ and more ‘normal human being’ once you get talking to her.

My DH went to a family funeral without me; ILs invited ex who was, by then, a friend of the family (long distance and I couldn’t leave kids). He was chatting to her and someone said ‘Ah this must be your wife’. Much hilarity all round - and he had dumped her and she was still single!

Honestly I couldn’t care less. I’m the winner here - he chose me. I understand he was part of her life, as were his family, and I have no insecurities about that.

You’re making yourself crazy - he loves you and chose you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Talk to her. You will look like the bigger person and you may ever like her!

I would feel exactly the same as you OP. Everyone saying you are overreacting and shouldn’t care… well yes they are right, ideally you shouldn’t care. But you do. And you are perfectly entitled to put yourself first, not go to dinner with her, tell your husband you’re not happy with the situation and seek his support.

I have the utmost respect for exes who move on but still get along and respect each other as people. Why anyone who never overlapped with a partner's previous relationship would be so freaked out, I really don't know.

You're all married with kids. I honestly don't know what you're so wound up about. Wanting to go home so you don't have to see them again, is just odd (in my opinion).

Honestly I get you feeling a bit awkward but I'd be too proud to kick up a fuss and refuse to go to dinner. I think it would reflect badly on you ie bunny boiler wife couldn't be in same room as ex even though everyone is amicable etc. shallow of me maybe but I'd go to show how completely secure I am in my relationship.

I don’t think any of this is weird or that anyone has acted unreasonably or improperly.

She doesn’t have any difficulty with the fact that you are the woman who got her man … her DH obvious no qualms about socialising with her ex / your DH.

The thing about you thinking she is better than you in done way is in your head. Find your confidence.

But in the end, your feelings are your feelings.

Don’t go home, that would be a scene, and will permanently change the relationship with your ILs.

Have a quiet word with your DH, and develop ‘other commitments’ , if you must.

Why? That's a genuine question. What offends you about this?

Clearly there are people in this thread who are at the polar opposite of how I feel about this, so I'd like to understand what it is that I'm missing. I'm far from cool, but no-one in my late husband's past has ever made me feel threatened.

Why did you decide to come to IL's a day early? Who's idea was that? Any chance DH knew they were expecting visitors?

I actually wouldn't go to the dinner and I'd make DH stay away too. If you go it is establishing a precedent that you are friends and socialise and the ILs will want a repeat

So you really can't see that the in-laws surprising an ex-girlfriend on their daughter-in-law, completely without warning, is completely insensitive? Then coercing their dil to do it again or look foolish for refusing. I'm struggling to see why you can't see what crap behaviour that is. Of course it's likely to be awkward for their dil. They cannot be that clueless, surely? Or you?

And I don't believe for a second that they are all 'just' friends - he shagged her best friend two days after dumping her. The woman hates his guts and the relationship with his parents is meant to punish him/show him what he missed out on. Her husband knows this and is acting cool. The parents are sending you a passive aggressive message about your suitability for their son and how they would like you to perform in the role of DIL. The whole thing is obviously a massive ego stroke for your DH so unsurprisingly he loves it. That ego stroke is coming at your expense and they are all behaving disrespectfully to you. Textbook middle class passive aggressive dishonest bullshit and your best bet is to not play along for a second and nip it in the bud right now. Go to the wedding but just decline the dinner and don't give an excuse. Let them hold the discomfort they're happy to put on you so they can play their little games

That essentially sums it up

This!!!

This is what’s actually going on.
Out of all the people they could choose to spend their free time with, does it need to be their ExBF parents?

OP, you should be gracious and not give them a single thing to pull you up on. Enjoy the wedding. Then “oh PIL, don’t worry about your mix up with the dinner invites, we don’t need to go, so you can keep your invitation to ex. Smiling breezily.
Then grey rock.”

What is MN if it's not a resource for us to share our concerns and worries and ask for feed back?

Why the constant race to be as cunty to the OP as possible, thread after thread.

Btw OP, I'd suck it up but not dinner.

You sound insecure and a bit dramatic, that is on you to sort out

Nail on head. Middle class passive aggressive dishonest bullshit at its finest.

Or 'how can one suck every bit of drama out of any situation and make myself sound about 12' that seems very popular on here

You will receive various opinions for & against your feelings OP. Personally I would never subject a daughter-in-law to witnessing how much I cared for an ex of my son. It's extremely insensitive as would be the actions of his ex if she continued to try & cement the relationship with expensive gifts. Some friendships are best left to fond memories especially if they are inappropriate to new situations. You have every right to tell DH you would feel happier if you weren't confronted with this embarrassing situation again in the future. FWIW I would attend the wedding. I would politely decline the dinner as would DH. A stance has to be made if you want to avoid an occurrence of this unpleasant scenario.

Completely insensitive, shitty behaviour from them. YANBU OP. Definitely the cool wives out in force on this thread! Most people would not be cool with this.

The whole thing is weird. Why is she still friendly with your in laws?! Why is your DH still in touch with her anyway? What was the ex’s DH thinking throughout all of this?! I’m sorry, it’s so weird.

She may have started out as your partner’s ex, but she’s now just a family friend. You’re going to have to let this one go.

@rainbow126 The parents may view her as a family friend, but it doesn’t mean that the OP needs to socialize with her again after this visit. They can still see her when the OP and their GC aren’t there.

I definitely agree this is her motive. Why else would someone remain friends with the parents of the guy who shagged her best mate.

His parents just probably think she's lovely.

And your dh is probably pleased everyone is happy and hasn't questioned why this woman is still in his families life

Even if some posters think they'd be comfortable with this situation, the OP is clearly rattled by it - I'd also find it strange if my ILs were friends with my DH's ex from 10 years ago and if she was so involved she dropped off a Fortnum's hamper and hung around for 2.5 hours.

If I was the OP and felt this uncomfortable I'd ask my DH if we might go out together alone the night of the dinner instead. Find a babysitter or ask ILs to babysit. Reassert your partnership/relationship and keep the ex and ILs out of it.
All the comments re the OP 'won' or has a better personality etc - that's hardly the point. She and the ex are happy together and that's the main thing.

I think he's being a bit of an insensitive dick to the OP and should put her feelings more central. I'd be pretty unhappy if my DH wanted to go out to dinner w ILs/his ex and I said I didn't and he didn't check in with me more about why not and whether we might do something else.

Completely agree.
Every word of it.
The Ex was treated badly and then he slept with her best friend...oh she definitely wants to be friends.🙄

Her likely wish to make him squirm is her business, the OP's husband is a twit, .....but his parents facilitating such disrespect, is awful.

OP, you are not the least bit wrong to feel distaste for them all.
I certainly would be looking at my husband and his family with fresh eyes.
They wouldn't be seeing me anytime soon.