In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

There's really not a lot wrong with this Op but you own insecurity is getting to you. Just because a woman is very attractive doesn't mean that your DH hasn't got over her, quite frankly I'd be more concerned about his behaviour after they broke up when he behaved very badly. He's going to meet a lot of women in his life and if you don't trust him it's going to be a long, difficult life.

Why? Why would most of us go to dinner with our in laws and dhs ex? To make the inlaws happy? Why else?

Nor me. Sod that for a game of soldiers. I'd make some excuse about not feeling well and go home, and I wouldn't be back in a hurry. My ex FIL used to go on about how gorgeous my DH's previous girlfriend was. He was absolutely aware of how uncomfortable it made me - that was exactly why he was doing it. I would be very wary of your in-laws from now on. This strikes me as distinctly passive aggressive behaviour on their part - of course people can understand why you wouldn't want your husband's gorgeous ex thrust into your face. Fuckers.

Blimey your DH really is insensitive isn't he?
Calling her the " it" girl?
Sounds as though he is almost trying to put you in your place. Make you grateful he chose you and didn't stay with her.

Are your in-laws closer to her than they are to you? I think THAT would bother me. Perhaps that’s why you are feeling funny about this?

I get why you are uncomfortable. I'm in a similar situation. I just feel like my feelings don't count and I don't want to be around someone who's slept with my dp before me. It is weird.

If he and he's ex was going to be together they wouid be now it's all platonic and a friendships been established shes happy with a partner. Had she of been alone I'd agree that it was weird she might be a lovely person put your jealousy aside as that will make you seem less attractive.

Yes, she's coming over as an entirely normal person who is a bit insecure about her looks. Many women are. Jesus, people like you are horrible.

Inwas going to suggest this. My in laws call dhs ex the daughter they never had and treat her like a princess. They don't like me very much. We don't spend much time with them as a result.

Totally agree with this and I don't understand why a lot of pp can't understand what an uncomfortable situation it is for OP. Especially given how her DH has " bigged up" how attractive and what a catch this ex was.

I find it really bloody weird that she is buying a Fortnums hamper for her ex's parents' wedding anniversary. That's the sort of thing I would do for my own parents but not my ex's. It does feel like a power move or act of manipulation rather than an appropriate friendly gesture.

I was the ex and was invited to their wedding. I went with my now DH. I even ended up unexpectedly emergency babysitting one afternoon.

It's really not an issue unless the OP turns it into one.

This is entirely your issue because you’re feeling unattractive in yourself. Your insecurity is your issue and your DH and PIL aren’t doing anything they shouldn’t by meeting with her. To them she is just an old friend. Storming home and refusing to attend the wedding would make you look quite silly in my view.

I’m still friends with an ex (long relationship - people thought we’d be getting married). I’m friends with his wife. He is friends with my husband. His DD and my DD (now both adults) are friends. I see his parents if they are in the area (mine are dead).

To me you’re over reacting but that’s me 🤷‍♀️

Well I’m with you OP. I think it’s bloody weird. I like my Ex to remain safely in the past. Why are they bringing your in laws fortnum and mason hampers?. That costs a huge amount. It’s hardly a bunch of flowers. Sounds to me like his ex can’t let go. Most people would just move on. It’s not like they were married for years. They dated practically as teens. Your in laws are very insensitive to still be fawning after her and your husband must be pretty thick skinned to not realise it could upset you. Think I would bugger off home too.

Not unreasonable at all. It would really upset me and you need to talk to your DH about it

You're comfortable with it. She isn't. She is allowed to choose who she socialises with believe it or not?

Great for you but everyone is different and if she feels unhappy and jealous about it her feelings are valid.

All the rest of it aside, I cannot understand why on earth she would even want to be in the same room as him after how awfully he treated her.
I’d have zero respect for him.

Wow I’m being honest here, I would be fuming! I would absolutely not want to go to the dinner, life is too short to spend with people that should be left in the past! If that makes me uncool and insecure so be it.

I have spent lots of time with my dh’s ex, but that’s because our dc are half siblings so obviously I’ve made the effort as I don’t have a choice. You have no connection whatsoever to this ex so I wouldn’t bother going.

Brilliant advice.

It wouldn't bother me. They split up and both met other partners. She obviously became close with his parents - perhaps at that young age they supported her in a way her own parents didn't? Maybe they just all grew close and saw no need to end the friendship when their son wasn't bothered about it and both of them moved on?

It sounds like you're insecure in your relationship, OP, and that's a worry. I don't think anyone has done anything wrong here and I expect everyone just thinks it would be lovely if you all got along. Obviously you don't have to do that if you don't want to. I would maybe think about why you feel insecure. Is it all you, does your H make you feel less than, have you been having problems? Forget about his ex and focus on your own relationship.

What I don’t understand is why your husband is not asking you how you feel about it all and if he finds out you’re uncomfortable he should respect your feelings and the sanctity of your vows. I just don’t see respect for you or for your marriage.

I wouldn't be impressed either op. Firstly why is she still friends with the parents of a guy she had a short relationship with who treated her badly?

Secondly who forgets they have guests coming? I'm guessing they didn't forget but felt uncomfortable so just played forgetful.

I'd also be annoyed at the forced going out together, they suggested it in front of you giving no option other than to say yes.

I wouldn't want to go either.

Yeah, I'm really wondering how many men would be just cool with having to hang out with their wife's really handsome, eligible ex at the behest of her parents.