In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

Sorry but this is a 'you' problem. Get over yourself. He's with you not her and the in laws are friends with her.

Can one of the people who finds being in the company of their partner's ex, explain why? I get it if there are complicating issues, but if anyone has those, it's the ex herself, and she seems to have completely got over OP's DH's appalling behaviour.

I met my late DH's ex and it didn't bother me at all. She was an ex. And I didn't even have the security of having been with my DH for as long as six years or have children with him. Nor was she married with children so settled into a relationship of her own.

I'm genuinely interested in what thoughts are going through your minds, if you find this kind of contact just too much to bear. Is it that you think him setting eyes on her might mean the relationship might be re-kindled? Or do you have a mental picture of them having sex? What is it that would make you feel you have to leave?

There seems to be a huge polarisations of feeling about this. Clearly I'm like the ex's husband, but many of you relate to OP, and I'm curious as to how our minds work so differently.

No one has any place telling others who they can or can’t see.

Of course not. But my point is about what is advisable and what is not. What is a bad idea or a bad decision.

I think the other problem is the DHs parents pursuing a relationship with the ex and inviting her over. Thoughtless. Why would they even consider doing that?

"he said because she's nice/friendly/interesting and they have loads in common"
I would not be happy with my DH describing another woman like this - especially if she's an Ex. and also wanting to spend time with her over dinner. I guess you'll just have to see how they are with each over dinner to decide whether to say something about it (when you get home). He might be overfriendly or may just treat her like a friend - I think you'll have to wait and see.

The personal input is interesting but the question of who would and wouldn't be happy in the presence of their husband's ex is a digression from what OP is actually asking for.

It's not relevant how others think they'd feel. FWIW, my husband worked quite closely with his ex - who had also moved on with another partner - some years ago and at the time I was quite friendly with her. No reason why he shouldn't still like her - I did after all - and I had no reason to think there was more to it than that. Had I done so, much bigger issues in the relationship would have needed to be addressed.

But circumstances differ. Unless the PPs protesting that they'd in no way have an issue with this, or that OP should 'grow up', were faced with identical circumstances then it's simply impossible to know.

OP is not comfortable with it and is asking for advice as to how to proceed on that basis.

I would've left with the baby and left your DH to his afternoon tea with his ex

And I think you're being extremely simplistic and ignorant

Seems to me that everyone is behaving like an adult , except you

this. Sorry OP, but you are being over the top.

However, YABVVVVVU to marry a womaniser

I understand u feeling the way you do for what it's worth. I suppose it's the fear of losing your family unit that ur so happy with. Ur seeing potential temptation for Ur DH being put right in front of his eyes. So yeah I know what Ur saying.
However! If he's the type to stray he will. If he's not, he won't. Life will provide him with lots of opportunities, so basically u just need to be more reassured that he's not that type. I'm sure he's not. Just be cool and enjoy the meal.

But it isn’t OP’s territory is it. It is her inlaws’. And they are perfectly entitled to be friends with whomever they please. OP is being unreasonable. Yes it might be a little awkward for her but she’s visiting. If’s not like it’s going to be a regular occurrence.

Exactly.

I think I would be a bit taken aback to have this situation thrust on me unexpectedly (which is a bit different from deciding for yourself if you are happy to hang out with an ex)

but given the actual vibe seems friendly and non threatening I would suck it up and be nice.

What happened @Thatsmybunnysir ? Did you go to the dinner?