In laws invited his ex over while we are here

[Thatsmybunnysir]

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

Obviously if you jealousy etc becomes unreasonable and controlling it's different, but I think in the situation here, OP you are being completely reasonable. Exes have a history, they're not friends, they are ex-lovers. It's different. You husband should step back from the friendship and only rekindle it if you are okay with it, and also he should advise his parents that it's weird for them to be super close to his ex. If they want to do that it's of course up to them, but it will inevitably affect their relationship with you. There's the ideal world where everyone is 100% secure etc and there's the real world, where sometimes you just have to choose one person over another. Your in-laws should reduce contact with her and fade her out. The ex also needs to invest her time with HER in-laws, not yours.

This. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings, but not going to dinner is very childish (although I can understand your instinct to do that, but we’re adults). Going home and not attending the wedding would be ridiculously immature.

Because she loves her spouse and would like to keep a woman he’s formerly been intimate with at a distance? Hmmm…

It's horses for courses I suppose.

It wouldn't bother me. I'm good friends with DHs ex gf. She's absolutely amazing and we have a lot in common. She's married to a lovely guy and we used to all go out before they moved abroad. It wasn't weird for any of us.

However, it all depends on the people involved and if you feel uncomfortable, your feeling are valid.

Maybe just look at her as a friend of the family, because that's all she is now, and see if you can tolerate it for the time you are there.

Childish? No, the childish actors here are the in-laws and the husband. They have no right to make the op uncomfortable and she has every right to refrain from attending.

I should add - in my view an in-laws role is to support their child, DIL/SIL and grandchildren etc. It's not their role to complicate things and create a personal friendship with their child's ex-partner. The link between that person and them is their child, who has decided to stick with someone else. So why maintain contact? If the in-laws want friends, they should look elsewhere.

I'm probably a bit in his exes camp TBH.

My exH and I have been divorced for years, I'm invariably in the same space as him and his wife a few times a year due to our daughter. I have no problem whats so ever greeting his wife warmly, were all friends on facebook etc... His wife is fine with me, she always hugs and kisses me on the cheek although we don't socialise outside of this. I'm so past my exH none of this bothers me at all.
My exH is the one who reverts back ten years plus and starts saying things about how weird it is, making bad jokes and just being rude to my family (not saying you are rude). I find it stupid given he's completely different when he drops our daughter off and is chatty and polite.

Your in-laws aren't doing anything wrong in remaining g close to a person they are fond of and who was the innocent party in how her relationship with their son ended. They are people in their own right, not just your in-laws and as such, can form friendships as they please. Given it was all so long ago, they probably don't think of her as their son's ex.
She is clearly more their friend now than your DH's.

That said, I do know why you feel weird about it and a bit jealous. But you are going to look batshit crazy if you leave or kick off about it. Best approach is to style it out and behave as if you are totally fine.

I'd

Pressed post too soon

Meant to add I'd only worry about this if your dh started being in more regular contact when you all go home.

His parents should have ditched their friend because he was horrible to her (the ex)? She didn’t do anything wrong… I really think there’s more to friendships than who has previously had sex with who.

Totally agree with @StopInhalingRevels It’s weird that a relatively short relationship led to a super close relationship with his parents, to the extent they regularly visit each other and she buys them F&M hampers!

I don’t believe the ILs ‘forgot’ their visit. The suggestion to put the babies to sleep together is weird. The dinner is even more weird. It’s just totally unnecessary.

But I agree with those saying it would be good to shake off the ‘she’s prettier’ thing.

Be polite and friendly at the wedding but I don’t think you and DH need to go to the dinner, Unless you see ILs all the time then I don’t get why they wouldn’t want dinner with just you guys.

I’m friends with the mother of a lad I liked when I was 11. We were children. Year 7. The crush wore off in about 1993 but obviously we finished school together, everyone was friends.

I used to visit his mum till she moved away, we still chat online, she always asks how my kids are, I always like the pictures she posts, I think my own mum and her are friends on Facebook too. I am Facebook friends with his wife as well, and she is often very strange in her interactions with me. I always think “calm down love, Im not trying to steal him, I don’t even want him!”

so yabu, don’t make her feel that way about you.

@SeismicSalad I don't think parents should be really close friends with any of their children's friends/partners. A parent's role is to be there for their child, and accept the people that their child likes, not add to their friendship circle from people they meet via their children. I see this happen so often and it creates so many problems. People need their own social groups for really close friends.

Surely you can see that your situation is completely different Polominty, as grandchildren are involved. OP, I can understand your feelings, but you'll look ridiculous if you upsticks and leave. Surely you can be nice for a dinner, and if crossing paths at a wedding. I'm sure your DH will appreciate the effort.

My In Laws used to live in Cornwall and their ex Daughter in Law would go down and stay with them for a week every summer (no children). They were very close but it had to be kept a secret from my Sister in Law! And was kept for about 20 years until they passed away!

Maybe they’re legit friends?

Agree.
I’m with you.

The ex is a weirdo to be bringing hampers to her ex’s parents and visiting their house.
The PILs are out of line for being so disrespectful of OP and her DH relationship and their family unit.

Let’s see how the in laws like it when OP starts having her exBF at gatherings and dinners. Or digs up her FILs exGF, befriends her, and has her over together with MIL.

I don't think the cot thing is weird at all, if they both needed a nap, and there was only 1 cot.

My sister still in close contact with an ex MiL -she was only married for 18 months, and the divorce was over 50 years ago,

That's up to the two of them though.

Or does MIL also arrange meet ups with your sister, ex & new spouses?

It would upset me too. It’s weird. I’d have to go home.

I think you're over reacting. I have a number of exes - one exH and a few ex boyfriends before him.

I still see one of the ex BFs and his wife (we were all part of the same crowd at Uni and a couple of times a year we get together) and went to his parent's funeral. I see the exH and his wife at family events (we have adult DC together) and the wife and I enjoy catching up, I like her (and I'm very happy she's married to him and I'm not)

It's perfectly possible to LIKE your ex, wish the best for them, but not want to be with them. I don't regret marrying the exH, but I'm eternally grateful that young and stupid me didn't marry the boyfriend!

You have no reason to feel insecure. He rejected her, he chose you.

Honestly, you’re allowed to feel jealous and a bit upset BUT this is one of those things where you’re going to have to get your big girl pants on and play along. She’s done nothing wrong, it’s a bit weird on PIL’s part but it is what it is now, and if her DH can be OK with it you’re going to have to as well.

Also, remember your DH picked you and did the dirty on her - there’s a reason for it so you might think she’s more attractive but I’m sure your DH doesn’t.

I would hate this @Thatsmybunnysir and don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling deeply uncomfortable. But that said, I wouldn't take DC and go home. I'd stick it out and have a fab time at the wedding.

Easy to see where dh got his logic from.... It would be me packed and gone..

Because she’s throwing a childish strop about something most people can take in their stride.

I’m sorry OP, but really you are being childish here and behaving jealously is bad for everyone in the long term.

Your husband either knows how to behave or he doesn’t, and you flouncing won’t change that.

If PIL were trying to say “this is the quality our son really should be with”, I would just go down the route of bemused pity, rather than letting your low self worth get in the way. Go to the dinner, have a lovely time. If you don’t there will be an unnecessary atmosphere, and you will torture yourself about it.

OP you've got to put your best Gywneth Paltow face on and suck it up. You've got to appear serene, secure and comfortable and laugh merrily. It will all be fine.

Fake it till you make it. Don't be that bunny boiler.

Good luck!