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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws invited his ex over while we are here

215 replies

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 17:54

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

OP posts:
diddl · 17/07/2024 08:00

If I had an arrangement to see my son's ex I can't see me forgetting & not cancelling if my son was to arrive early.

Maybe PIL told him & he was OK with it?

Either way I certainly then wouldn't be making further arrangements with them whilst my son was visiting!

Op I'd decline the dinner & let the others do as they wish.

You'll all be at the wedding-can't your husband wait until then to see her again??

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2024 09:23

Threads like this are always cluttered up with personal, 'what I would do' takes on an OP's particular predicament. Whether this would bother us personally or not is immaterial. OP is bothered.

I'll contribute the perspective that it's the in-laws' behaviour that's most troubling in this situation. No one is telling them who they can and can't be friends with: they're at liberty to see who they wish and do what they want with their time. That's not what's happening here. The 'oooh, what a coincidence'/'whoops! we forgot' responses - the sort of thing Muriel's Wedding mercilessly took the piss out of - are extremely weak. They could have done this any time and happened to choose your visit, complete with an OTT gesture in the form of an expensive present? Cynical me doesn't believe in that kind of coincidence.

There's a strong possibility your in-laws have orchestrated this situation, not least because they've now tacked dinner onto the happy party as well. DH's ex is probably oblivious. But the only reason I can see that parents-in-law would do this is to send a covert message of disapproval to their DiL. It's shoddy behaviour.

Your immediate inclination is to remove yourself from that situation and go home, and I don't blame you. But if the in-laws are looking for a reason to disapprove openly, this would give them one, and you can bet they'd start making noises about your neurotic insecurity. I'd style it out: be gracious to DH's ex, make a point of making conversation with her, and kill them with kindness.

On arrival home I'd do things: be VERY pissed off with DH and extremely leery of my in-laws in future. If necessary, this would mean creating distance in the relationship and putting all the onus on DH to maintain the relationship between the DC and their grandparents.

I'm sure that's not the outcome anyone wanted, but you're entitled to preserve your own dignity and mental health. As the old cliche goes: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Ilovecleaning · 17/07/2024 18:40

Dettolallin · 16/07/2024 17:57

I think this sounds like a massive overreaction on your part to be honest. There was no cross over in your relationships, I don't understand why you are so against spending time with this woman.

Because it’s bloody weird.

Dayoldbag · 17/07/2024 18:46

SerafinasGoose · 17/07/2024 09:23

Threads like this are always cluttered up with personal, 'what I would do' takes on an OP's particular predicament. Whether this would bother us personally or not is immaterial. OP is bothered.

I'll contribute the perspective that it's the in-laws' behaviour that's most troubling in this situation. No one is telling them who they can and can't be friends with: they're at liberty to see who they wish and do what they want with their time. That's not what's happening here. The 'oooh, what a coincidence'/'whoops! we forgot' responses - the sort of thing Muriel's Wedding mercilessly took the piss out of - are extremely weak. They could have done this any time and happened to choose your visit, complete with an OTT gesture in the form of an expensive present? Cynical me doesn't believe in that kind of coincidence.

There's a strong possibility your in-laws have orchestrated this situation, not least because they've now tacked dinner onto the happy party as well. DH's ex is probably oblivious. But the only reason I can see that parents-in-law would do this is to send a covert message of disapproval to their DiL. It's shoddy behaviour.

Your immediate inclination is to remove yourself from that situation and go home, and I don't blame you. But if the in-laws are looking for a reason to disapprove openly, this would give them one, and you can bet they'd start making noises about your neurotic insecurity. I'd style it out: be gracious to DH's ex, make a point of making conversation with her, and kill them with kindness.

On arrival home I'd do things: be VERY pissed off with DH and extremely leery of my in-laws in future. If necessary, this would mean creating distance in the relationship and putting all the onus on DH to maintain the relationship between the DC and their grandparents.

I'm sure that's not the outcome anyone wanted, but you're entitled to preserve your own dignity and mental health. As the old cliche goes: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Edited

Good post. If the OP deigns to attend she could also very audibly commend the Ex for her generosity of spirit in still wanting to socialise with someone who dumped her and slept with her best friend in 48 hours, how generous of her....Also how is her best friend?

Ilovecleaning · 17/07/2024 18:47

The whole situation is bloody weird. Emotional intelligence of her DH is as low as it can get. I think it’s crap when people are expected to be ‘mature’ about these situations when really it is very hurtful. Chi’s showing disrespect to his partner and her feelings.
There is a similar situation in my extended family which is causing a lot of hurt to,the new wife. I want to tell the ex to fuck off and leave the couple alone. If the couple were close relatives I would have stuck my oar years ago and told the ex to fuck right off.

Donsyb · 17/07/2024 19:36

I’m still friends with one of my exes (we’re part of a large group of friends from uni) and went to his wedding. Regularly see him, his DW and children. They have been to stay here numerous times. It’s not weird if you’re all adults and there are no residual feelings.

its only weird if one still wants to be with the other one.

Mummamap · 17/07/2024 19:53

I think you are over reacting. I am still friends with my ex’s mother and see her a lot. I had one of my ex’s as an usher at my wedding.
Husband still keeps in touch with his ex.
we are together and that is that - ex’s are ex for a reason and you need to get on with it or risk looking insecure and petty

Jumpers4goalposts · 17/07/2024 20:15

YABU in the way you’re reacting to it.

saraclara · 17/07/2024 20:19

Mummamap · 17/07/2024 19:53

I think you are over reacting. I am still friends with my ex’s mother and see her a lot. I had one of my ex’s as an usher at my wedding.
Husband still keeps in touch with his ex.
we are together and that is that - ex’s are ex for a reason and you need to get on with it or risk looking insecure and petty

You're way too grown up for this thread.

I feel as though I've been reading a whole lot of posts written by 15 year olds with very active imaginations.

Santina · 17/07/2024 20:19

I think the only reason I would be uncomfortable with it is because, you are being confronted with his previous bed partner. I know we all have a history, we just don't need to be throwing it at the new partner.

Cityandmakeup · 17/07/2024 20:22

What’s weird is they still invite her over? Why?

saraclara · 17/07/2024 21:23

Cityandmakeup · 17/07/2024 20:22

What’s weird is they still invite her over? Why?

Because they'd become friends? And she didn't hold it against them when their son treated her badly? And when she and their son became friendly again six months afterwards there was really no reason not to continue being friends? And she and her husband are visiting the area for this wedding?

Sounds to me that the in-laws, the ex, her husband, and OP's husband are mature and decent people. Good for them.

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNameChange · 17/07/2024 21:37

Your inlaws are wankers. I'm not insecure at all and I'd be livid at the principle of this.

phoenixrosehere · 17/07/2024 21:41

saraclara · 17/07/2024 21:23

Because they'd become friends? And she didn't hold it against them when their son treated her badly? And when she and their son became friendly again six months afterwards there was really no reason not to continue being friends? And she and her husband are visiting the area for this wedding?

Sounds to me that the in-laws, the ex, her husband, and OP's husband are mature and decent people. Good for them.

Show quote history

That’s how I see it.

The amount of people who are trying to find and say there are ulterior motives sound like they are looking for drama.

We were originally not coming until Wednesday, we changed our mind and came yesterday instead. Apparently they had messages his ex on Friday and planned her coming round and totally blanked when we came early. I do find it hard to believe she wouldn't message when she was on the way or the morning of to check it's ok?

I would either guess they are the type that have an open door policy on visitors (there have been countless threads on this). They planned her coming around not the other way around, so why would she need to check again?

Everyone sounds content but you because of your own insecurities about yourself. Your DH loves you or is this more about what your DH did in the past, actually meeting the person he did this to and possibly wondering if he would do the same to you?

Thalia31 · 17/07/2024 23:01

Thatsmybunnysir · 16/07/2024 17:54

So I'll start with the context, my DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2 and we have a 15 month old baby boy. We are very happy and I feel secure in our relationship.
Before me, he was in a 2.5 year long relationship, he was young as was she and they broke up 2 years before we got together. He was honest about the nature of the break up, he didn't cheat but he did treat her terribly, break up with her and sleep with her best friend in the same 48 hours!
They became friends after about 6 months but they don't talk or meet up, no wedding invites (she has also since married and had a baby). He follows her on instagram, comments occasionally etc.
I've known all along his parents still talk to her. I thought it was odd but I think she became a bit of daughter to them. They see her when they are in London and when she is in there area she pops in.

Well we are currently visiting in-laws for the week, and going to a wedding in the area at the weekend. Today I was in the garden playing with DS when I hear "OMG I didn't know you were here!", what do I realise his ex, her DH and DD are in the front room, with flowers and a Fortnum's hamper for in-laws (was their anniversary recently).

They stayed for about 2.5 hours, I thought maybe it was random and they were just in the area. DS and their DD played then DH suggested they both nap in DS' cot - I don't know why but this made me uncomfortable. I don't want my DS napping with DHs exes child!
They were all just chatting away and it seemed her DH was more comfortable and ok with it all than I was. Turns out they are in the area for the same wedding and in laws have now planned dinner for us all on Thursday night. She was lovely and seems happy with her partner but I'm sort of jealous of her, she's a lot more attractive than I am, I knew this but seeing her made it real (she had no make up on wasn't dressed up and was still gorgeous!).

After they left In laws apologised saying they forget they had invited her over today and we don't have to go to dinner if we don't want to. DH said no it's fine he wants to go! I don't!! She's his ex it's uncomfortable.

AIBU to be really pissed off with in laws and DH? It's fucking weird right? I won't be going to dinner on Thursday, nor will DS. DH has said it's fine but he wants to go!
I'm tempted to say DS and I will just go home, I don't know the couple getting married and would rather not spend my annual leave with his ex!

You sound absolutely pathetic. This is a really strange over reaction and I think you need to self reflect and get a grip.

tempname1234 · 17/07/2024 23:01

Not unreasonable. You need to speak up and say you’re uncomfortable.

RoseUnder · 17/07/2024 23:06

You never know, give her a chance, you might really get on with her.

Teenagehorrorbag · 17/07/2024 23:15

I frequently see my first BF's parents and his sister is godmother to our DD. DH gets on with them all well including my ex - they have bumped into each other in pubs etc and had a drink together. OK it was a long time ago that ex and I dated, but ex is ex, surely? Also - unless the ex was awful for some reason, then why should it be a problem?

DH's ex fiancee was with a friend of his when we got married, so not only came to the wedding but we had her DD as bridesmaid.

I've always thought we ought to have stuff in common if we liked the same person in the past - makes sense? Try to be friends with her and see how things go - she sounds sociable and friendly?

Lyraloo · 18/07/2024 05:20

Eadfrith · 16/07/2024 18:03

I would find it uncomfortable, but I find it weirder that she and his parents are friends. I don’t think it’s a situation where everyone will all get along fine, there is still residual shit going on there.

Wow maybe in your head! To most people it’s people behaving like adults!

Ilovecleaning · 18/07/2024 08:29

Lyraloo · 18/07/2024 05:20

Wow maybe in your head! To most people it’s people behaving like adults!

Show quote history

I think Eadfrith is right

Ilovecleaning · 18/07/2024 08:37

Lyraloo · 18/07/2024 05:20

Wow maybe in your head! To most people it’s people behaving like adults!

Show quote history

Clicked ‘post’ too soon…
I think Eadfrith is right. Ex in-laws being friendly and pleasant when they meet or bump into ex is grown up and wise; a friendly chat when collecting grandchildren or similar is advisable.
But to actively pursue and maintain a relationship is wrong. Even if you want to do it, you shouldn’t, for the sake of the new wife and new relationship. If you want to, tough.

ThirtyAll · 18/07/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t be going. It all sounds weird to me.

SerafinasGoose · 18/07/2024 09:37

Ilovecleaning · 18/07/2024 08:37

Clicked ‘post’ too soon…
I think Eadfrith is right. Ex in-laws being friendly and pleasant when they meet or bump into ex is grown up and wise; a friendly chat when collecting grandchildren or similar is advisable.
But to actively pursue and maintain a relationship is wrong. Even if you want to do it, you shouldn’t, for the sake of the new wife and new relationship. If you want to, tough.

Show quote history

I think it's fine. No one has any place telling others who they can and can't see.

It's the in-laws' apparently concerted effort to foist a clearly rather awkward relationship on their DiL that I'd be leery of, were I in OP's position.

TrishM80 · 18/07/2024 09:59

So everyone else is able to get along like mature adults except you?

You've admitted if she wasn't as attractive you wouldn't be as bothered. So the "problem" is 100% down to your own insecurities.

redalex261 · 18/07/2024 10:01

I agree with @leopardski - think it is more about your perception of her “more attractive” status than the actual contact. Also, you did arrive earlier than planned so I don’t think there is any nefarious action by in-laws. You both have similar aged children, it’s a one-off meal. Just go along and act normal. Your head will imagine all kinds of crap if you don’t go and DH does. She probably thinks you look better than her, everyone sees their own flaws and no-one else’s.