Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

@Bookmark1111 I don’t want them to lose out on all that money and they were looking forward to it which I understand (they’re coming for DD’s birthday) it’s just all a mess

In that case, ring them and tell them how fraught things are. They're probably not getting the nuance of your texts. Tell them over the phone how you'd like them to postpone.

As for the money, their insurance might cover cancellation because of bereavement.

@Bookmark1111 But would it if they’re not related by blood?

@Whyisthisallhappening could they book and stay somewhere else nearby on the understanding that you guys need to be in control of how much space you need so they have to be sensitive to following your lead? Would that work?

I don't know but it's worth checking. It's also worth checking with the airline to see if they'll let them move the flights to later in the year, for a fee.

I think they should come.

When my partner's mum died I struggled to juggle with my partner's grieve and the DC. It was hard I had to do it on my own that's why I am for your DM coming because it will lessen the pressure on you.

I wonder how old your MIL is? To be honest both my DH and I were sad when our parents died ( all were late 70's or early 80's when they died), but we weren't overwhelmed by terrible grief. We were capable of meeting people and chatting etc, your DH has said it's ok for them to come, so I would follow his lead. Everybody reacts differently to their parent's deaths.

Let them come. They can be a distraction for your DD. The death of a parent is sad, but part of life.

@Mistymountain She’s 70
I don’t even want to think about how I’ll feel when mine are gone, not sure I’d cope easily

Everybody is saying “ask your husband” “how does your husband feel” and “what does your husband think” — but I’m wondering about your daughter.
Would it help your daughter if your parents were there? How is their relationship? Their being there and concentrating on your daughter would free up your time so you could concentrate on your husband.
And I know from my own experience that my grandparents were a very calming influence on my life.
I’m so sorry this storm has blown into your life, @Whyisthisallhappening — sending love from California. ❤️

Except she's making stuff up because she's projecting her own situation onto OPs and imagining details from her own life which OP hasn't stated.

OP I hope your parents will do just as they said and be really positive help.

@Whyisthisallhappening are your parents the type who would really help and take the pressure off you. Or are they the type who say don't worry about us, so you can do what you need to do, but actually would need you to entertain and feed them, so create even more work and metal load for you?
If they are the former I might let them come, and maybe even ask them stay elsewhere. But if they are the latter then I'd be firm and say no now is not the right time.
What are your dhs views on them coming? What about your dd?
Its awful to feel so pulled in so many directions, but ultimately you need to do what is right for you and your dh & dd💐

Sorry but is highly unlikely insurance would cover for cancellation in these circumstances. (Retired Senior travel exec. here). It generally has to be a direct family member or the death of a travelling companion, business associate upon whom you would be totally reliant upon for the trip to take place or, in some circumstances, someone who you were planning to stay with who had passed away unexpectantly.

I can certainly empathise with your situation, OP, but unless your parents are very wealthy or live on a Wizz Air/Ryanair type route with very cheap flights involved then you have to consider their situation too. They can’t just amend to a week unless the fare allows such amendments at a reasonable price and I did read on an earlier post how you said the flights were expensive.

TBH with everything you are going through at present, I honestly think if you force your parents to cancel and lose a lot of money that will just add to your stress levels and especially if you are normally close.

I would go ahead with the visit. Your mum sounds as if she may prove useful in the worst case scenario.

Really wish you all the very best.💐

Sorry I haven't read all the thread.

If your parents might be able to help, then perhaps let them stay. They could help keep an eye on your daughter during this difficult time.

It sounds like a lot to deal with, I'm so sorry.

I'd really advise telling your parents to cancel OP.

My Mum died a few years ago. Beforehand I thought I'd deal with it Ok, standard emotionless man etc etc etc.

I did not deal with it OK. I was not myself for a good month. I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt happy, I felt relief, I felt all kinds of weird inappropriate emotions that I was ill equipped to deal with. I managed to hold it together for the most part in public, and in front of DD, but DP saw sides of me she didn't know existed. I've always been a calm stable presence in other people's lives, a rock that stands firm and holds everything together. I didn't realise how much being that rock mattered to me until I couldn't be that person any more.

I can't imagine how I'd have felt if there had been other people in my space during that time. Home was the one place I could stop pretending for a bit, stop hiding this new, untethered version of me. I needed that space, without other people's eyes on me, well meaning as they might be.

At the very least, put your parents up in a hotel, go out to see them out of the house. If your husband wants to come with you, great! And if he's happy for them to pop to yours for a few hours, then also great. But let him have his home be a sanctuary for a while, even if he's telling you right now it'll be OK.

I'd stick my parents in a hotel Airbnb might be nice for your daughter to get away a bit

OP if you aren't going to stop them coming and you aren't going to push for what you think is best for your DH and DD, then I suggest a final text.

Mum. It's not about the money/buying food it etc. It's about our need to hunker down as a unit and not have to worry about anything or anyone else. DH's mum is going to die any moment now. And none of us - including DH - know how he will respond to that. I want him to have the space and dignity to be able to react and grieve however he sees fit, and he will not be able to do that with guests here. DD is unwell and needs any attention i have left.

I love you both - you are always welcome - but this really is a terrible time. If you still want to travel, can you please get a hotel? I will contribute of course, and that way we can play it by ear and I can be where i need to be without pressure. We will get to spend some time with you but equally have the privacy that we need. It may even be that you do end up staying here at some point, but right now, I can't make any commitments. hope you understand.

My dd has an eating disorder and by definition she has intrusive thoughts. It takes a lot of energy to support a child going through disordered thought processes. I would not cancel your parents if they can be there to support her. Your dh will be grieving. You won’t have the head space to help both and bottom line your dd needs to come first as she is a child. If she has a good relationship with your parents, I would absolutely let them come.

Been through all parents dying here.
I wouldn’t focus on telling them not to come. I’d focus on telling them they can’t stay in your house.

they might be helpful. They might not. But you need flexibility about where they are staying, as headspace is very important when you’re going through the shock of bereavement of a parent.

why cant they get a hotel or airbnb? Cost is not an excuse if they can afford expensive flights.

Could they stay some time with you and some nights in a hotel or air bnb? You still haven't said whether MIL lives near you - would DH have to travel to be with her or make arrangements?

Wishing you all the best and hope your DD is soon better.

What?!? I'm sure you said she had died and now you're saying she hasn't. Did I imagine that??

OP’s original title said she had died - but no, she hadn’t .. she later said she was likely to die that day. I queried it as it seemed disrespectful to say that, but OP apparently posted too quickly and couldn’t change it. Mnhq have now edited the title.

Would they be able to just take care of themselves but be available if you or DD need them?

@Whattodo1610

Ah ok I thought the title change was to do with her daughter. I didn't notice her daughter was mentioned in the first title.

How can you get that wrong? She is likely to die / has died?