Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

I think if you have them you are just going to have to use the phrase it is what it is. Everyone is going to be how they are. It might be nice to try and give things a bit of normality but I wouldn't expect a lot of cheer. Give everyone whatever space they want or need.

Why not give her a ring, and have a chat, be honest about how you're all feeling, too much can be misconstrued on texts, and it's already a sensitive topic.

She may assume it would be helpful if they came or she may be stuck not really knowing what to do and doesn't want to seem rude by asking outright, or she may just not want to lose the money they've spent on tickets, in which case is there somewhere else they can go, or book into a hotel, B&B just for a few days? another relative etc? Have a think about options first before you talk to them.

Also it may be exhausting for you and your DH may need some extra support for a while. Only you know how that will affect you and what you need.

She is not a mind reader - if you don’t want her to come then say!!

Calling them sounds a good idea. Families often like to be let in to what is going on and how everyone is.

My mum died last year and I really struggled with visitor's Even my own grown children coming to stay was too much. I loved them dearly but I just wanted space to grieve.
As for DH's parents, as much as I love them there was no way I wanted to see them especially DH's mum. She was a reminder of what I had lost. I know that sounds awful but that's how I felt at the time.

Does your DH have another parent/sibling that he'll have to support? Will your parents give practical help, shopping/cleaning while you are supporting your DH/DD? We would, so our DD would want us with her. Are they understanding of MH conditions? so they would sit with your DD if your DH wanted a late night walk and chat etc.

I think another pair of hand would be welcomed if the relationship is all OK between you all

If it were me I’d want my parents or DPs parents to come. They would offer to do some nice things with grandkids, they would help do the garden or jobs around the house, they would cook some nice meals and also provide practice support as they have dealt with parents dying and the admin etc involved.

Ask your husband rather than strangers

She did and then posted his reply on this thread.

Op, pretend in your head that she did ask and then phone her and tell her what the answer would be.

I just don’t know how Dh will be, how can you ever know how you’ll be. He’s been crying today but was going to go to work, but listened to me and has gone for a drive for space
My parents generally don’t help much when they come tbh, not in an awful way, don’t understand why this is all
happening at once, it’s like some nightmare

Let them come. You will be supporting both your DD and DH through difficult times.....who will be supporting you?

My parents generally don’t help much when they come tbh, not in an awful way, don’t understand why this is all

As pp have said, call them now and tell them this holiday won't be a holiday as such as they will need to fend for themselves. So they'll need to feed themselves and entertain themselves.

And that it might be for their sakes to stay in a hotel.

But call them now, there is still time for them to book a hotel room.

What a horrible situation for you all. I feel so sorry for your husband and your daughter.

Everything depends on what your parents are like, though. Are they going to be helpful? Discreet? Kind? Or are they the sort who want a holiday no matter what? If you were living here then presumably they would support you, wouldn't they?

I think I may suggest cutting it short to a week and seeing how it goes this week, it all
feels too much pressure

There's the thing: "This all feels too much."
OP, those are your true feelings. Cancel. It's totally ok. And if there's fallout well, that's your mum being difficult. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever. She'll get over it! Maybe you need to just go into what I call Monk Mode and just be a nuclear family. Huddle, stay close, keep warm, lights out, keep the world at more than arm's distance, including mum. My hunch tells me you're struggling with their pending visit.
You don't need another struggle.
Cancel.

If they're reasonable people, you could probably just explain to them that he's understandably all over the shop so they need to stay elsewhere. For their own comfort even, it'd be awful sitting with someone going through bereavement for that length of time.

It's natural, and I think it is sometimes worse for the partner of someone who has had a bereavement, you're grieving yourself, but can somehow feel selfish expressing it as it almost doesn't feel like you're entitled to it. I'm quite an independent person and I hadn't been with my DH that long when my mum died but he was brilliant in that he was just there, he took over any household tasks that I was leaving, or would normally do (without saying anything), he made sure I was fed and watered and listened when I wanted to talk, he never expected anything of me, just let me get on with everything I needed to do, and tried to be as normal as possible when we were together.. it was exactly what I needed.

I felt so sorry for him at the time because I thought how awful it is to be just on the outside of it, but he was the normal that I needed and I will always be grateful, if he was fussing around me or trying to get too involved I would have hated it, but even back then he knew me better than anyone, and was just there.

You know your DH and you'll know what he needs right now.

OP - it sounds like it's too much for you. More so than your DD or DH.

And that's ok. If you break it down, it's probably because you just don't have capacity for someone else's needs (holiday logistics/food etc) because your DH and DD will be taking up everything you've got at the moment. In your shoes, i would try and explain that to my mum and see what she says.

In other words - come for a week - but it won't be how it usually is. I'm stretched and I just don't have the capacity to worry about what we're having for dinner or chat to you about the neigbours.

Having said that, it might be good for your DD to have someone different in the house - help break some of the cycles - and if your DH has said they should come (and if he means it), then I would take his lead.

If this was my parents i'd call them and say that we're looking forward to seeing them but as it won't be much of a holiday shall we look at finding them a hotel for the second week so they can have some holiday time and dh can have some private time. My mum & dad would be sure to agree to this and I'd be happy to pay for the accommodation (though they'd likely not accept)

Are your parents close family to you all and likely to support and help you all through this - or are they visitors who need to be entertained and have a performance from you?

If the first -they could be just what you need.
If the second - you should feel free to cancel.

Remember that they have (probably) lost their own parents and have experience of dealing with death and grief. Perhaps this means that they will be able to cope with the sadness in your house and all the other messy emotions that will be about.

I think it unlikely that they are expecting a happy holiday experience in the visit ahead; they will know what they are coming to and it might be a good sign that they have not hesitated or suggested they would like to go somewhere more fun.

It isn't always easy to know how it will be. I remember a nurse in ICU telling me that they see many families come together but also many break apart under the strains of this part of life.

When you meet them ( on your own hopefully) explain again it’s a really difficult time so not a holiday atmosphere. You appreciate their help ( thereby dropping in they are there to help) and you won’t be offended if they only want to stay a few days or a week or transfer to a local B&B, Airbnb, whatever is available. Emphasise how upset your DH is.
Are your DD’s intrusive thoughts related to her grandmother being ill or something else? I hope it’s possible to find support for her locally.
And look after yourself 💐.

If it all feels too much now and they're not even there I'd definitely cancel. Can they push their flights back a couple of weeks? I'm rather assuming they're retired so not having to worry about changing annual leave etc.

@MassiveOvaryaction Would they get their money back from flights though?