Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

If they're the type of parents who will not ask too much of you and be willing to go out for a few hours alone if you need space and help out around the house, cook meals etc then that could be helpful. It depends on what your DH thinks really; he's about to go through one of the toughest days of his life and he may prefer to just have you and his daughter around him.

Factors include:
What's actually wrong with your DD - you say inflammation, what does this mean? Does she need medical attention?

Is your DH a private person who wouldn't want to grieve with your IL around? Would other members of his family want to come round and potentially use guest bed your parents would use?

How far is the journey and would your parents lose a lot of money if they change at short notice?

What's their relationship like with your DD, could they take care of her so you can support DH?

Was DD close to dh's mother? Is she close to GP? By intrusive thoughts do you mean mental health crisis?

So many things to think about. Maybe advising parents of situation would be wise - compromise would be finding them Airbnb or similar so they can stay separately but give you space. That way they get to see and support you but could also allow for privacy and they could enjoy their break a bit/have outings without feeling bad about it. Dd could also visit them there.

I would cancel them, because your husband will need your full attention. Plus you may be involved in some of the practical & admin matters following the death. This is really not a time for guests, IMO, but I suppose it depends on your family dynamic.

Sorry to say this, his mum has not died yet, but your title says she has .. it feels a bit disrespectful.

As for your family visiting - it could be good for all of you with this awful news of your mil, your mum and dad could help with dd while your dh tends to things as he needs to. But ultimately, I’d go with what your dh wants - he may feel it’s now intrusive, or he may feel it will help makes things easier for him.

If the rest of the household get on with them and you know they’ll offer support - let them come. If not, then don’t.

Sounds like a tough time OP, sorry.

Ask your husband what he'd prefer.

But don't underestimate how much support you'll need and how much time your DH may end up spending with his family without you.

We lost MIL in April and DH spent the majority of his time with his dad and siblings - while of course I supported from home, I was on my own a lot - you may find your parents being around much more helpful than you think.

@Whattodo1610 Yes I wrote that by accident then it was too late to change, so much going on at the moment

💐💐

I’d make them aware of the situation first, but would welcome their support and help if they could do that for you all.

Wishing you the best OP.

Firstly, how old is your DD? There was an article in The Times about young children suddenly becoming suicidal from catching I think a virus and their despair clearing up after antibiotics.

Secondly, could you arrange for your parents to stay at a hotel for some of the trip? They could then take DD out for special days whilst your husband grieves.

Do they know the situation? Depending on how their visits usually go they need to understand that that you cant focus pn them all fortnight?

Sorry about what is going on. Are your parents usually helpful or not? If so, get them to come. If they expect to be entertained, waited on, etc etc, then cancel.

I would go with whatever your DH feels most comfortable with.

I think I'd cancel imo.

Just imagining if it were us - both dh and I would much prefer to have as few people around as possible.

But it depends how close they are to your dd - if they could give dd lots of attention/support, that would free you up to focus on helping dh.

But if they live a flight away then it's unlikely they're that close to dd? I'm speculating

If they will be useful invite them but explain the situation and tell them they’ll be responsible for dd during this time and you’ll be busy with dh’s family. If they’re not useful tell them to cancel.

I would go with your DH’s feelings about whether they should come.

If they come will they be helpful? Cook, shop, have a good relationship with Dd?

Ir need hosting?

I'd cancel the visit. I lost a parent and my OH a few weeks apart earlier this year and I found it really hard to cope with having people around me all the time.

It's a time when you feel very vulnerable and having people around who want hosting means you are constantly having to think of others and can't process your own feelings.

Seeing people interact with their own dads and OHs was also torture as every little thing just brought back a wave of memories and a realisation that I'd never get to do that again.

It got easier to cope with it after about 8 weeks, would they be able to come later this year instead?

@DoAWheelie I’m so sorry for your losses, that’s so hard 😔

He is saying it’s fine and he wants them to come, I’m not so sure. It’s not going to be much of a fun holiday type atmosphere for them also

Sorry to hear this.

Personally I wouldn’t want in laws staying straight after a bereavement even if they were helpful and nice. I’d want to be free to do and be however I wanted without having to keep up a reasonable shop front. I’d put them off unless your DH has actively said he’d prefer they were there.

If that’s not possible, could they stay in an airbnb?

Personally op I'd be up front with them about what's going on and then let them decide if they want to wait or if they're happy to come ahead. I'd set expectations ahead and maybe tell them that you might be very busy with dhs mum passing and dd and they'll either need to be happy to pitch in and help, or to go out and about and keep themselves busy so they're not relying on you to entertain them?

Are they the type to be helpful and non intrusive?

@Lavender14 Excellent advice.

Be very clear about boundaries (if they are type of people who might need them...) and expectations. Make sure you are clear you are going to need to prioritise DD and DH. If you don't think you will manage that (and will feel guilty about not taking care of them etc.) then consider whether you should ask them to postpone. Only have them if they are going to be supportive and not drain you. Hoping things get better.

I think your husband is a priority and you should ask him what he wants to do.
I would not want house guests when grieving but everyone is different

My parents would be a great support in this situation but my in laws wouldn't........it depends on the type of people they are.

I think the only question is 'will they be kind to DD'?

If you've got any sense that they will minimise or dismiss or over-focus on or be shocked by her unwellness, you should cancel.

I think probably the fact that you're asking means you know it will make things harder not easier.

Are your parents aware?

When my DF died I could not have coped with anyone staying in the house (no matter how lovely). But everyone is different.

Would your parents be able to amuse themselves, be supportive where necessary? What would the funeral arrangements be, would they be expected to be part of that?