Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

See they're saying that they'll be there to help out but given op's posts I have my doubts. They sound like they're cut from the same cloth as my in laws. Talk the talk but unwilling/unable to follow it through. Of course I could be mistaken.

@SoreAndTired1 's message is great.

Yup. If they keep pushing I'd find it really hard to get over this I think.

Why don't you ask your mother to treat your DD while you comfort your husband. How do you think you'll juggle the two of them together because someone will get neglected. How many children do you have?

I’ve replied

‘I know, it’s that I’m thinking if Dh’s mum does pass away on top of it all’

It’s like they’re not thinking about that part, I don’t get it

@Teddybearpicniccelebration Just one child

What about your DD who will help her and give her quality time while you comfort DH. Sorry but this will take it out of you and create more stress and trauma.

I mean this kindly but you need to stop being passive and expecting them to read between the lines of what you’re saying.

If you don’t want them to come, you can say ‘I don’t think this is the right time for you to come. If you do still come, xyz will need to happen’.

Death of a family member is reason enough to claim on travel insurance, potentially.

You're not reading what we're saying, are you, @Whyisthisallhappening ?
I give up. 🤦 You're failing your husband and daughter.

The thing is you haven’t directly told them not to come so they’re trying to read the situation via text. Can you pick up the phone and have an honest conversation with your DM?

I’m not saying not to come but I have said a week is better under the circumstances and then come for another week later in the year

I think you need to be explicit now, because the clock is ticking. Message back and say something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry, but I thought about it some more, and I don't want you to come now and I need you to postpone your trip. The situation here is just too fraught and even though DH says he's coping I know he's not. I'm sure you can understand.'

If they don't understand and kick off, then that's your cue to tell them that they've just confirmed what a bad idea it would be because they're making it all about them.

You need to say not to come at all. Even the first week will be when the funeral drama and everything will happen.

You're not getting it. You're failing your husband and daughter. Send my text. You need to say not to come. At all. Reschedule two weeks later in the year.

Take it easy will you! OP is not a robot, is feeling lost and wants advice. Not to be berated. And asking for advice here doesn't mean you have to take it.

Are you clear in your own mind whether you want them to come? If I was your DM and you told me to come for a week rather than a fortnight I’d assume I was welcome for the first week, maybe even needed. If you don’t want them to come at all you do need to bite the bullet I’m afraid. And I’d do it by phone, not by text.

Hiding this thread, OP simply won't take advice, so, it's waste of time. I hope things go ok under the circumstances for the OP.

Flounce much?! Just because you have decided something doesn't mean OP has to jump to it.

@SoreAndTired1 Your posts are so angry and making my stress levels so much higher in an already stressful situation, it’s better you hide it so as to calm down, I really don’t need it right now

@SoreAndTired1 Interesting that you are making this about you.
OP, it's not clear what you think is best. If you

Oops - if you can get that clear in your own mind it'll be easier to compose and convey the right message.

How costly are the flights? Could you offer to pay for new ones for later on in the year if money is the issue?

@heldinadream Its so hard to know as it may help Dd for them to be here for a bit, but also have no idea of knowing how mil will be, it’s not looking good sadly, but you just never know. The thought of two weeks, regardless feels too much, I’ve said this and they’ve said about the flights, which I do get as they’re so expensive these days

I think that's a wise decision. For OO's sake.

She's in a very difficult situation, juggling all sorts of emotional priorities for all of the people she loves.

I can't understand why you feel the need to claim she's letting her DH and DD down. She isn't. And it's a cruel thing to say to anyone.

OP, I hope your DPs are the flexible sort who will muck in and hide themselves away when needed. I hope they give your DD some stability and comfort. And I hope your DH can spend some loving time with his mum if that's what he wants.

@Whyisthisallhappening Are you concerned about the fallout if you say no? Are your parents always used to getting their own way?

@Gazelda Thank you 💜