Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

They’re due to stay for two weeks and Dh’s mum will likely pass away today.

I would let them come as planned, you and your dh are going to need the support x sorry for your loss x

If this was our families they'd still come, and it would be welcome. Depends what the relationship is like between the 2 families.

Also assuming DH mum is local

I'm sorry you all seem to be having a rubbish time at present but no I honestly don't think you can cancel at such short notice.

Well you know them and we don’t.

Will they be useful?

Will they be kind to DD?

Is MIL in your country or will DH have to leave to see her/family?

I would postpone them. Your DH is going to need you, and your DD needs support also.
Would they come at a later time when YOU will need their support after everything has settled?

Depends on all involved. Will they be happy having their holiday overshadowed or will they insist on having a good time regardless?

It depends - will they be useful and helpful? Or will you need to spend the next 2 weeks entertaining and running round after them?

They should come for help and support, it’s going to be a stressful time the more support you have the better. You’ve warned them your partner is poorly so they know what to expect !

I would cancel, assuming your DH will be at home. When my dad died I didn't have it in me to make small talk with the in-laws, he'll want to just come home and switch off. And I love my in-laws but I did find it a bit tough playing happy families with them the first few times too.

I'm sure your parents will understand when you explain about your MIL.

Ask your DH if he'd prefer for them to not come but it also depends on your relationship with them, will they be a help or a hindrance. Speak to them as well, they might want to go to your MIL's funeral or they might prefer to come to you for a nice relaxing holiday and so would prefer to delay.

Can you ask them to get a hotel? So it's not so full on.

As others have said a lot depends on the people involved and the circumstances.

How does you dh get on with your parents?
Are your parents the kind of people who are happy to help out and also do there own thing? Or they the kind that sit back and expect to be waited on.
How old is your dd?
Does your dh's mother nearby or will you need to travel to her?

Are they helpful self sufficient people, or will they just add to work and burden?

Massively depends on the relationship you have with them. If they are going to be sensitive towards your DD and offer practical help then it could be an absolute god send at such a time. If they are the type to sit on the sofa and expect to be entertained and catered for, then postpone them to another time. Speak to your DH and to your DPs, make sure you are all on the same page before committing either way.

You need support now, you may not want to leave tour DD alone if her MH is fragile and they will be on hand to help you cope. You are going to be in a difficult position with your DH and DD both going through traumatic times. Let them come if they will help, if they are just going to be extra people for you to worry about and look after cancel.

That's an impossible question for strangers to answer.

It would depend on the relationships between you all. If your dps have a loving supportive relationship with you all and would offer practical support then it would be beneficial. But if they expect to be catered for during their stay and are not close to your dd that would be different.
My focus would be on the needs of your dh and dd given the severity of your mil's health. Would your dp's visit help them? Or be distressing to them?
Will your dps support them and you? Or add to the stress? Only you will know the dynamics.

Totally depends on the type of relationship you have with them.
If they are supportive and helpful - let them come
If they treat it as a holiday and expected to be waited on hand and foot- let them know if is a really bad time and ask them to postpone.

It very much depends on whether you think they'll be a help or a hindrance.

I would have had my parents come over as I think they would have been a help, certainly in terms of practical stuff keeping everything going.

It’s all about dh. Ask him.

I would prioritise your husband’s wishes above anything else. What would he prefer? If I was grieving then the last thing I would want would be to have my in laws, or any other visitors, around. But he may feel differently.

I wouldn’t worry about it being too short notice to cancel- the impending death of a parent means that normal rules don’t apply.

Depends on your DH and the relationship between him and your parents.

My MIL came to stay after my Dad died and it was awful and I've never forgiven her. But she was expecting me to take her out to the pub and for dinner etc which I just wasn't up to.

I don't think you should cancel their visit. Unless your husband wants you to.

Intrusive thoughts are quite normal unless your daughter has a diagnosed condition?

It sounds like there so much happening right now for you, OP. Does your DD have a known medical condition (with episodes/flares) or are these new symptoms? Please bring her to medical attention if new/deteriorating symptoms.

I think it all hinges on how your husband feels about it.