Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

I don't think the OP said her daughter had a mental health issue.
She said 'intrusive thoughts' which could mean anything. There's no context to this.

Fair point. @SoreAndTired1 used the phrase "serious mental health problems". None of us know exactly.

Yes, we can all read but it still doesn't warrant you attacking her like you did. If you've been through similar, show some empathy for OP who is clearly very stressed herself right now.

Obviously depends on relationship but I'd be very onest with your parents and make it clear that your priority will b e your DH and your DD at this point.

I'd also be inclined to suggest that perhaps they come, but rather than stay with you they find a local hotel or B&B? Or perhaps suggest that they come for a few days then perhaps take themselves off for a few days on a tourist trip somewhere or similar. So they're around (assuming they're broadly supportive people who you and your dh and dd get on with) but not in your face.

Because she's human and she's struggling with a very difficult situation. People struggle to see to the woods from the trees at times, it's perfectly normal. Snide responses are unnecessary.

If your DH is ok with it, let them come. They can distract your DD or take her out. They’ll be another pair of hands, leaving you free to look after your DH if needed. They’ll also give a tiny bit of normality to your DD.

Perhaps they could break up their stay with 2 or 3 nights in a hotel?

Understandably, you'd rather not have another variable in the mix. It sounds overwhelming when you want to be strong for your DH.

I'd prewarn my parents they may need to relocate to a hotel.

Your DH is the absolute priority, not their feelings.

I get the impression from some of op's posts that mum may not be as supportive as some hope.

Op, I really think you need to cancel.

The fact that they haven't suggested it themselves really proves that they don't have the emotional tools for this situation.

They could make it so much worse - and that could have longterm impacts on all five of you.

Make it clear that they're to occupy themselves with DD and you'll handle husband and funeral arrangements.

@Whyisthisallhappening Is your DD asthmatic? If she is I hope she isn't taking montelukast / Singulair as this can cause mental health problems including depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, sleep disturbances, agression and tremors.

I just texted my mum that I wasn’t sure how things are going to go:how things would it be-it’s obviously very touch & go at the moment. I said it may be better to come for a week and for another week later on.
She replied saying that they wouldn’t get their money back and they’d have to pay for more flights and that she thinks I’m worrying too much

Ok, you're really not helping your husband and daughter here. You really need to step up. Don't tell them to come for a week. Tell them not to come at all. Tell them it's not about 'worrying', it's about wanting to put your husband and daughter first, and that you hope she will understand and put your feelings and needs above losing money.

You are letting your husband and daughter down. Just say 'you can't come, you have to cancel, I'm sorry but I need to put my husband daughter first'.

It really is that simple, OP. Your husband and daughter deserve better than you not acting and cancelling it. Are you afraid of your mother? If not (or even if) just say outright, you can't come. Just do it.

Ugh. Not making it easy for you.

They have no intention of not coming then?

Tell them they can use the flights but stay elsewhere. Keep your doors locked!

This! They're not listening to you or respecting your boundaries at all. That would fuck me right off. I'd be more than happy to let them stay in a hotel big they're going to behave like that. Parents can be tough going at times.

I would put DH and DD first (apart from the intrusive thoughts she is about to lose her grandmother).

Living abroad / away from family does have its challenges but for me personally I would not want in laws staying if I were in that position. Or anyone really, the pressure to make small talk and for life going on as usual for them at such a time would be too much (for me).

Who wants house guests when they've just been bereaved?!

Who wants to be a house guest of someone's who's just been bereaved?!

You're going to be supporting your husband through probably one of the hardest few days and weeks he's ever had. You'll also be supporting your daughter (who's already struggling) through (I assume) her first direct experience of death and grief. There's also a lot of practical stuff: death admin/funeral planning etc

If my partner let his parents come to stay in this situation, however much I love them, I would be incredibly angry.

You can't stop your parents flying over, but you can tell them they'll need to stay in a hotel/apartment and you can't guarantee how much time you'll be able to spend with them, if any

She sounds like a bit of a prick.

She’s just texted again saying they’ll pay for everything we need and get food in etc and go out alone if I need to be with Dd and will help
with whatever we need as that’s what they’re here for

That's kind but is it what you want?

It depends whether they are coming to support you or in the expectation of having a holiday. If the latter, I would ring and say for obvious reasons you won’t be able to entertain them so they will either have be prepared to look after themselves completely or think about cancelling and rescheduling. In those circumstances if I was your DM I would just write off the lost flights and hope to find some cheap tickets later in the year, maybe out of peak season.

Is it possible though that they might be a helpful distraction for your DD? If they could take her out and give you and your DH space that might be good for everybody.

Edited to say I cross posted with you, it sounds like they mean to help out. If your parents will take care of food and other practicalities and keep your DD busy I’d let them.

OP, you need to be firm! Tell her it's not about the money, you need time alone as a family unit, and they can't come and that's it.

You are hurting your husband and daughter the more you let this go on.

Just text her:
"mum it's not about the money. Our family unit need to be alone. This is the worst time possible to visit. I am sure you understand. I am sorry you will lose the airfares but that happens sometimes and this is one of them. I ask you to please respect my decision. My husband is grieving, my daughter has a few health issues and is not up for visitors. My husband and daughter need me at this time, they are my priority right now. I am sorry but you cannot come. Please respect this and put my, my husband and daughters needs first."

You are allowed to say no

That's a good message. There's no room for manoeuvre. It's OPs time to be selfish now, they can suck it up.