Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

It sounds like it’s you who won’t cope rather than your dh. If you don’t want them to come, then tell them. Noone will blame you op. Take care.

I have no idea but try not to add that worry to your load. You do need to tell them pretty much immediately though which I appreciate will be hard

Honestly having been through a few very close bereavements, the last thing in the world I'd want in your husband's position would be to be hosting people, regardless of how helpful or supportive they might be.

You have to ask him and go with whatever he says.

The comments here show you that people have all different approaches and views so your mum not offering to cancel probably just means she falls into the camp of thinking it's best to be around people.

We live overseas to our adult DC so tend to see them annually at most.

If my DIL had just lost a parent, I’d definitely suggest cancelling the visit or suggesting we move to a hotel instead and only meet up when it suits the family.

I think the fact that your mum hasn't offered to alter their plans and sees it as business as usual sounds a bit worrying, plus you’ve already said they don’t help out when they’re visiting. That’s already showing a lack of consideration to your DH, I think.

Put it this way, will your DH feel comfortable breaking down and crying in front of them or will he feel he has to hold everything in? It sounds like he’s already prioritising their visit above his own feelings, which will change again when his mum passes, so I think you need to step in here.

From all that you’ve said so far, I’d postpone their visit until a much later date.

I love my in-laws, but I honestly couldn’t have thought of anything worse than them coming to stay after the death of each of my parents. Are you sure your husband isn’t just being polite saying it’s ok for them to come as it’s now so last minute? I wouldn’t hesitate to cancel, and any decent parents would be completely understanding.

Can they stay elsewhere? So be on hand if needed but out of the way when necessary

How are we supposed to vote on this? You have the poll enabled, but no indication of what we're voting on.

Of COURSE you need to cancel. For goodness sake, move on it if they are coming tomorrow. Who cares about their money back, if it's that much of a concern, then pay them back. But you need to message your mum and make sure she knows the visit is off. You seem very weak and and like you can't stand up for your husband! Your husband needs peace and privacy and just you as family unit. FFS hurry and cancel it, and make sure that's it, put your foot down! Shortening it to a week will do nothing if they are here when she passes. They can't be here for a week, or 4 days, or even 2 days. Get on and CANCEL IT!!

I'd ask them to not come tomorrow and just come for the second week if they can change their flights. The first few days will be so hard for your DH with so much to think about, but in a week's time he might appreciate them arriving and changing the atmosphere a bit and you might appreciate the support by then.

No need to be so aggressive towards OP. She's clearly having a tough time.

As other people have said, it depends on if they are coming to be a support, or looking for a holiday. They could be useful for example by supporting your DD whilst you and DH are having to rush around making funeral arrangements etc., so that DD is not left alone with her thoughts.

Is there any possibility that they could stay at a local hotel or AirBNB, so that they can come whenever you need their help, but you also get some time with just you and DH. when you can both grieve together?

I am sorry for everything you have going on right now.

Chill out FGS. She's only asking for a bit of advice!

This is what family is for not only for fun but also for support. I am sorry for your loss.

This.

Will they roll up their sleeves and just get on with things, or sit round complaining that you aren't showing them a good time?

I'd book them and pay for a hotel. DH will need some space. I can't imagine him wanting to make small talk with his MIL when he comes home from work.

Maybe you're right, but I just don't understand the dithering here when OP doesn't have much time left before they get here. Common sense would tell you to cancel, especially if the DD is having serious mental health issues. Having her parents as guests is the last thing on earth she and DD needs, even if her DH is being polite. He doesn't know how he will be when she passes. The household will be a whirl of grief and funeral plans, eulogy edits and re-edits, liaising with funeral directors, and that is on top of DD's problems. It's common sense that OP would immediately cancel their visit (not suggest things like one week, that won't help if it's during the funeral planning) and read her parents the riot act if they don't understand. She needs to act not just for her husband, but her DD whose mental health is procarious.

She's asked him. He said he wanted them to come.

Allow them to come. Speak to them in advance and suggest they look after DC and give you some space to care for DH if and when he needs it. Can they take DC out for days out? You don't have to sit and talk. Explain you may need space.

Having your mum there to support you may help.

HER DH HAS SAID THAT HE WANTS THEM TO COME.

I'd say he was being polite. Also it's not just about him. Their daughter is suffering from serious mental health problems right now. So it's not just about him.

Maybe they would take your DD out and give her some distraction?

Is your MIL local or will DH need to travel?

I'd say he was being polite. Also it's not just about him. Their daughter is suffering from serious mental health problems right now. So it's not just about him.

@Zonder @BlueMum16 Read the OP, the daughter is having serious mental health problems at the moment. This visit is the last thing she needs, even putting aside the husband and his mother's passing, as well as funeral arrangements that cause stress even in a tightknit family. Having been through similar to this, I know.

I'm echoing those saying that you just need to have a chat with your parents and say that this is not going to be the holiday you were all looking forward to. That DH might need space and privacy at times (as might DD) and that they might need to plan for doing things on their own for much of the time.

It might be worth mentioning that it might be worth researching hotels in case they or DH find it all too uncomfortable after a few days.

This is your husband's call.

How does he feel about having your parents to stay?
Will he have to go to his Mum's funeral soon while yours are staying with you?

And, if your daughter is ill, is she contagious?
If your parents are elderly could they catch it?

(I don't know how old your child is or what you mean by 'intrusive thoughts.)

How do you know? Do you know DD? When my DC had MH issues he actually felt helped by seeing the grandparents. It wasn't a cure but it would give the odd boost.

You don't know how similar your situation was.