Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[Whyisthisallhappening]

We live abroad, my parents are due to come out this weekend to stay as they always do. My Dd has been quite ill for a week or so, signs of inflammation, erratic behaviour and saying some awful things (intrusive thoughts) I’ve told my parents this. Now we’ve just found out that Dh’s mum is due to pass away.
Everything seems to be coming down at once, do I tell my parents to cancel the flight until another time or could it be a help having them
around, what would you do?

If they're coming expecting a jolly holiday and to be entertained by you then absolutely cancel. If they're able to come and be supportive, pitching in with whatever needs to be done to support you, dh and your child then I'd say they can still come. But with the caveat they don't actually stay in your home so you can have space when needed.

(Have some experience of this but in less tragic circumstances - my parents were absolutely wonderful, dh's made everything all about them as usual)

Is dh able to be with his mum?

If DH is ok with it, I'd let them come, but make sure they know what they're walking into (i.e. an unhappy household not a fun holiday).

I would have them delay a few days / weeks to come just before the funeral. Your DH will need a little quiet time, you need to get medical attention for DD, and they would have two lots of flight costs to return in just a couple of weeks. Also book them a hotel or flat so everyone has more space than normal. Sending best wishes for you all.

Your parents, I imagine, are old enough to have lived life on life's terms. This won't be their first rodeo. They've been there, done that, got the t-shirt with their own parents, presumably.
You seem a little bit apprehensive which means you know your parents and how they tick and how they kick more than anyone else in the room. If it's too much for you to host them right now, OP, cancel. It's perfectly reasonable and understandable. On the other hand, they might be the relief you and the kids need. Their support might help you better support your DH during his critical time of need. They might also give you guys room to travel together if you need to. Maybe DD could do with playing Uno with grandma/grandpa for days on end. Sometimes it's all we need! The smallest of things become the greatest healers.
Life is so hard when it's kicking us while we're down.
This is a tough and sad spot. You'll get through it together. And I hope your parents arrive safely and can cocoon you in the ways you all need right now... or not. Maybe cocooning you with their love means staying away. You'll know what to do.
Courage and love, OP. And brighter days ahead.

When my mum died the last thing I would’ve coped with was house guests, no matter how well meaning & helpful.

I think I’d ask if they can stay at a hotel, then you can see them but give your DH some headspace with everything going on.

Sending love to all your family.

I would cancel/postpone, if I was in your DH’s shoes the very last thing I would want is to have to deal with/worry about other people in any capacity. He is about to face one of the worst bereavements imaginable. Your DD also needs your full attention and support. I’m so sorry you are all going through such a difficult time 💐

So many factors @Whyisthisallhappening

Are they understanding of mental health? Are they likely to be good supports emotionally and practically? Do they muck in or will they expect/need you to care for them?

Sorry your family is going through this hard time

He might welcome the distraction. People can act strangely after a loved one dies. I know my H was very business as usual. I didn't know what to do with him at all.

I’ve just messaged my mum and she said that it was really sad and to let Dh know that they’re sending their love, she then asked if I was ok. She didn’t even mention the possibility of them not coming over? You would, wouldn’t you?

It entirely depends on your parents. If they are likely to be helpful and DH likes having them around then I’d call them and give them an out if they want it. Tell them if they want a fun holiday you don’t mind if they want to postpone a bit but they are still welcome to come as long as they understand they’ll be walking into a crisis situation. If you were my DD I would want to come anyway and be there for you. I might also suggest staying nearby rather than with you if that is affordable so that you still have space when needed.

When my mam died I did NOT want DH parents flapping around me.

My MIL meant well I'm sure but crashed the funeral (my mam didn't even like her) and totally put her foot in it offending people.

I'm sorry you are in this position OP.

Being practical, I'd be tempted to book them into a nice hotel just for 48 hours while the initial shock dies down, and then welcome them into your home. I'd be led by your DH on this. 🌷

I'd be led by my DH on this one, but it would also depend on the type of people your parents are, would they be helpful in this situation or would they make things at home worse, does he have a good relationship with them etc? As that is what is important right now for the next few weeks.

Is your DH dealing with all funeral arrangements? As if he is, your parents being there could be helpful as they could entertain your DD, while you support him sorting everything out.

They have to know that it isn't going to be like their usual holiday before they agree to still come though.

This (and a number of people have asked similar).

Will your parents expect 3 meals a day, teas and coffees, laundry service and entertainment / days out?

Having people visit immediately after my mother’s death would have wrecked me. For the first couple of weeks, I needed to be able to break down as freely as possible and just keeping it together in front of my own child was sometimes a burden. What I needed was a spouse who took over running our life to the greatest extent possible and as much privacy as possible, which is exactly what DH gave me.

I think it’s the thought of so long, if it was for a week even it would feel easier. Part of me thinks it’s a good idea for extra support for him, but part of me thinks it’s crazy as he very obviously might not want to sit around etc chatting away

maybe not straight away I wouldn't, I certainly wouldn't do that in a first message.. I'd send my well wishes and ask about everyone else first, then bring up the holiday later.

If you bring up the holiday first it's like that is all you're thinking about.

Try not to start overthinking things OP, just give everything the benefit of the doubt, it's too easy in emotionally heightened times to take things the wrong way.

But my mum doesn’t seem to think not coming over is an option as she hasn’t asked?

If your DH wants them to come, then let them. It might be a good distraction and if he needs to take himself away for time for himself then sure your parents would understand

OP, you know her best. Is she generally thoughtless? Or is she thinking she will come and support you with dd?

@sandyhappypeople Theyre supposed to be arriving tomorrow morning, this all feels too much

@paywalled She’s not thoughtless, but if I was in the same situation, I think I’d ask

Why not text your Mum and tell her that she needs to understand it's not going to be like a usual holiday visit. If they still want to come then that's great but you'll understand if she'd prefer to postpone and visit another time.

Dont overthink it. Call her. You sound overwhelmed right now. Float the idea that they will need to be flexible on leaving date.

Navigating the death of a parent doesn't come with a guide book- so I think flexibility is key. You folks may be brilliant and best thing or not.

I just feel so sad for him