To want to discipline DD in this way?

[Puzzicle]

DD is 12. Yesterday we found a lot of compost all over the floor in the hallway by the back door. Way too much much to have been trodden in.

Asked DD who denied all knowledge. She'd been playing in the garden on her go kart and we could see an open bag of compost so assumed she had run over the bag and tried to bring her kart inside, dropping the compost everywhere.

She went off to her hobby and I decided to check the security camera. It shows DD opening the compost bag, running over it a few times and then grabbing a hand full of compost and flinging it in through the open door whilst laughing.

I was absolutely fuming. I confiscated her phone when she got home and wanted to take he TV from her room but DH didn't agree and stopped me. I also told her she was grounded for the rest of the week. She showed absolutely no remorse for her behaviour and said it was an accident (it most definitely was not).

So today she comes home from school and asks to go to her friend's house. I say no, and explain why. DH then comes in complaining I've told her no. We were going out later in the evening and he wanted to please her so she would behaved for her babysitter (Grandma). Anyway, she's kicking off so he stops work early, takes her out to the shops and buys her a book (and probably other stuff).

AIBU to think she should be getting consequences for her actions, not being treated? Or was my suggested punishment too harsh?

So as not to drip feed - this is a big issue with me and DH. He never wants to tell the DC off or tell them no whereas I think they need boundaries and discipline.

Just make her clean it up? Most direct concequence and removes all the hand wringing.

Does your DD have developmental issues? This is very strange behaviour at 12. 3 or 4 no but at 12 it’s bizarre.

That's quite unusual and impulsive behaviour for a 12yo girl. Is it typical? Is she very angry or upset about anything? It sounds like you and your DH disagree a lot about how to parent her, and seeing that conflict centred on her will be very destabilising. And inconsistent parenting has been shown to be just as damaging for children as outright neglect. Would you consider family therapy? It's a daunting and bruising process, but can really help with family dynamics. Often a disruptive child is the canary in the mine for deeper dysfunction within the family.

Is she ND? That is very, very odd behaviour for a 12 year old. I’d make her clean it up and also take her to the shop to buy a new bag of compost from her own money. Direct and natural consequences.

I agree with you. She sounds quite immature for her age.

You definitely need to have a consistent and unified approach.!

The consequences need to fit. So having her clean up the mess, pay for the wasted compost out of pocket money. Something like that?

The trouble with something like grounding for a week is that it falls at the first hurdle, and if not tonight then tomorrow or the day after.

Sadly your dh is undermining you by buying her ' rewards' or bribes so she behaves for babysitter esp as it is a relative that is babysitting

For me, I tend to stick with one punishment and try to do natural consequences etc you have to clear it up /miss something enjoyable to clean it up

Personally I'd find the removal of tv + grounding+ phone a possible sign that you've lost your rag and are just shouting/ grabbing what you can in an attempt to try and win a power struggle because you feel out of conteol rather than as a considered punishment that fits the crime that you actually believe in

@Nhswoe you are right to some extent, I tend to go harsh because I feel out of control. I've been undermined constantly for 12 years so she has very little reason to listen to me. I wasn't shouting though, I was calm but wanted to make sure she realised this was completely unacceptable.

No she is not ND and has no developmental needs. Some days she can act very grown up, others, well...

She's got very little respect because she never faces any consequences for her actions.

DH started tidying up at the time as we were stumped as to how it got there and were in a hurry to get to the hobby. We never dreamed she'd have done it dileberately. I couldn't believe it when I watched the footage.

I do try to get the DC to tidy up any mess they make but it rarely happens. DD normally point blank ignores me. DH then hurries along saying oh sorry I've not tidied that room yet and proceeds to clean up whatever it is. Why would DD listen me when she knows she doesn't have to and that there will be no consequences for not doing so (because DH will protect her from them)?

I was posting for advice on this one incident but typing this out has made me realise it's a much bigger issue. DH and I have had counselling several times over the years and it has improved very slightly but he still doesn't agree with boundaries or discipline and actively shows the DC that he doesn't agree if I put any in place.

I'm on your side, OP.

Too many unrelated punishments. She will just resent you for them, learn nothing from them and probably not moderate her behavior. It was just a bit of dirt and it sounds like she was playing in it like a younger child might do.

I agree with whomever said get her to clean it up. That's the best punishment.

It's really weird behaviour from a 12yo. More like the kind of thing that a toddler would do.

I don't agree with your approach to discipline and punishments personally. I don't think that approach works!, really. I would have had dc clear it up and then spent time talking to them about why they did it, why it wasn't OK etc. But that's just my approach and we all parent differently.

It sounds like you and DH really aren't on the same page and you probably undermine each other. You think he's too soft, he probably doesn't like the way you approach this stuff either. I think you need to spend a lot of time talking stuff through, maybe with a counsellor or similar, so that you can negotiate a united front.

A word of warning though... from what I've seen, the kids with parents that impose harsh punishments are typically the ones who rebel most and go off the rails in the teenage years. Might be something to think about.

To clarify, her TV wasn't taken away. I'd wanted to do that but DH said no hence landing on grounding her instead.

I couldn't be with someone so wet and incapable of parenting as your DH. I'd rather parent alone.

What does he believe should be consequences for behaviours? Or does he think there shouldn't be any? If he was left to it, what would happen?

Your DH undermining you is going to just get to be a bigger and bigger issue the older DD gets. But I agree consiquences need to be logical. She should have cleaned the mess, and lose go kart time (a few days maybe) since she was using that to run over the compost. Biggest thing you need to do though is work out these issues with DH, you both need to be on the same page. He is too lenient and you are too harsh. There is a happy median.

"It shows DD opening the compost bag, running over it a few times and then grabbing a hand full of compost and flinging it in through the open door whilst laughing."

Wtf? I'd be incensed.

The thing I have learnt think about the consequences . There will be an appropriate punishment . Give yourself time to think about it but also use it as time to agree.

The better consequence in this circumstance would have been cleaning. Even if Dh had done that .

if you actually sit down and agree maybe Dh will undermine you less

You need to return to counseling to set up some parenting boundaries. Is he going to clean up her messes forever?

"The better consequence in this circumstance would have been cleaning. Even if Dh had done that ."

Really? Rip open a new bag of dirt you haven't paid for. Lob it into the house whilst laughing. And your dad cleans it up.

Yeah, great consequences 🙄

DH's ideal would be to do nothing. We've struggled with this ever since she was born (she's the eldest). I can't live like that. I've tried it, and I just can't. We were forever cleaning up after the kids and literally had no time whilst they just trashed one room and then moved onto another. It was never ending.

I just won't do it any more. I'll ask one of the DC to clean up a mess they've made and DH appears immediately and starts doing it whilst DC stands by or wanders off. DH then starts complaining at me (in front of DC) that all the work gets left to him and I never do anything. He runs himself ragged and that's his choice, I just cannot join him in that for the sake of my mental health. I also think it's a very unhealthy way to bring up DC and it is really starting to show now in their behaviour.

When DH isn't around (rarely) DC and I get on better because he's not there to run in and save DC from the horror or having to tidy their own mess.

Some other examples are he'll be in another room and will hear me telling DC off and immediately he shouts "it was an accident". That's his default, there's never ever ever accountability. It's so ridiculous that one day I was in a room with DD and stubbed my toe. Nothing to do with DC, she was sat opposite side of the room. DH (in another room so no idea what happened) immediately shoouts out "She didn't mean to, it was an accident".

I really do think he would clean up their mess forever. His mum is the same. Elderly, disabled woman - I asked DC to put away their toys when they were younger and we were about to leave her house. She's immediately down on the floor doing it for them. She's disabled! But what she decides to do in her house is up to her. If she wants to scramble around on the floor then so be it. It's very different when it's at home and and they are never ever expected to have to tidy up at all.

That's the problem. He thinks that they'll respect him because he let's them do whatever they want. When we've had counselling before and he's been asked why he's like that his only answer is "because I love them". What he's starting to find out now is that it's completely the opposite, they have no respect because they know they are no boundaries.

Sounds like she’s being deliberately disruptive ( ie throwing compost into the house ) because
she feels she can get away with it because your dh doesn’t support you in dealing with her behaviour.
Taking her out and buying her a book is a reward for bad behaviour in her eyes.
If you’ve been dealing with her behaviour in this way for a while and dh never does punishment you’re basically creating a very difficult child.

I would be beyond angry with what she’s done.
Lets not forget she lied to you about it as well.

In this situation she’d have to clean it all up immediately. Not just sweeping but washing the floor too.
Id expect an apology for wasting the compost, throwing it on the floor and lieing.
I also wouldn’t have allowed her to go to the hobby she should be cleaning anyway
Treating her to a book on the same day is also an absolute no.

Meanwhile you and dh need to agree on how you deal with setting boundaries. By that I mean you must insist he agrees to set some and that he takes control of punishments too.