To want to discipline DD in this way?

[Puzzicle]

DD is 12. Yesterday we found a lot of compost all over the floor in the hallway by the back door. Way too much much to have been trodden in.

Asked DD who denied all knowledge. She'd been playing in the garden on her go kart and we could see an open bag of compost so assumed she had run over the bag and tried to bring her kart inside, dropping the compost everywhere.

She went off to her hobby and I decided to check the security camera. It shows DD opening the compost bag, running over it a few times and then grabbing a hand full of compost and flinging it in through the open door whilst laughing.

I was absolutely fuming. I confiscated her phone when she got home and wanted to take he TV from her room but DH didn't agree and stopped me. I also told her she was grounded for the rest of the week. She showed absolutely no remorse for her behaviour and said it was an accident (it most definitely was not).

So today she comes home from school and asks to go to her friend's house. I say no, and explain why. DH then comes in complaining I've told her no. We were going out later in the evening and he wanted to please her so she would behaved for her babysitter (Grandma). Anyway, she's kicking off so he stops work early, takes her out to the shops and buys her a book (and probably other stuff).

AIBU to think she should be getting consequences for her actions, not being treated? Or was my suggested punishment too harsh?

So as not to drip feed - this is a big issue with me and DH. He never wants to tell the DC off or tell them no whereas I think they need boundaries and discipline.

I would have made her clean it up, and done some other chores as well. Your husband is undermining you by no agreeing to punish her

She’s going to run rings round him in a couple of years and he (and you) will have such battles on your hands. I truly feel for you.

I can only suggest you buy a parenting book and show him the parts about discipline.

He is not preparing her for adult life. What’s he going to do every time she has an issue? Run to her rescue? He is going to make her selfish, entitled and not very likeable.

@Puzzicle well it is the usual story! mum is always the disciplinarian so will always be the bad cop! dad lets her away with murder and, in fact, rewards her bad behaviour so he is forever known as good cop!! he is making a rod for his own back! can see her being a wild child as she gets older!!

I wonder OP if you and DH have got into the habit of playing out your marital issues through your daughter. The shrinks call this marital triangulation. It would go something like this:

1. Daughter is aware marriage is stressed and so acts out, often in a juvenile way for her age
2. Mother responds with punishment but maybe overreacts or feels unreasonably angry - the feelings are really towards her husband who she feels is not dealing with the situation appropriately (and she'd be right, in this instance)
3. Father gets back at the mother by going completely the other way and 'defending' the daughter, to keep the daughter on 'his side' and to get at the mother

Neither you or your DH are necessarily doing all this deliberately, it's kind of a subconscious pattern people can flal into. But it could end up very damaging for your daughter psychologically.

I would personally suggest some good counselling just for you to sort out and validate your feelings and work out what you can do to break the pattern.

I’m afraid with a husband like yours, you’re on a hiding to nothing! He sounds like a gutless wonder. His aim is to be ‘the good cop’ so what role does that leave for you. He’s working against you. Your daughter has seen this forever, why should she obey or cooperate with you when her weak father toadies around her, possibly disagreeing with you in her hearing. I’m sure during yr previous counselling sessions, the importance of presenting a united front as far as discipline and yr daughter is concerned is vital.
Unless or until you and yr husband work together, any discipline from you alone is I fear destined to be ignored. Hard going, as now you’ve got 2 against you.

You're both opposite extremes, your punishment is overly harsh for a handful of compost but he is rewarding her. You need something in the middle that you can both agree on.

What is it with posters having the horrors at any form of consequences for shitty behaviour? 'You can't give consequences that'll upset them' ?!

I just won't do it any more. I'll ask one of the DC to clean up a mess they've made and DH appears immediately and starts doing it whilst DC stands by or wanders off. DH then starts complaining at me (in front of DC) that all the work gets left to him and I never do anything. He runs himself ragged and that's his choice, I just cannot join him in that for the sake of my mental health. I also think it's a very unhealthy way to bring up DC and it is really starting to show now in their behaviour.

nope, stay strong on this. He must learn. As must they.
Get a cup of tea and just say "oh i KNOW! so much work. Caused by the DCs and your inability to parent" over and over and over.

And continue to set boundaries and so on. And if he undermines you - cup of tea (or GnT) and agree with him that he gets to do it all and it's so unfair - because they should be doing it. The rod is for his back not yours.

OP you have a husband problem he needs to start realising that his kids need discipline for their disrespectful behaviour rather than being constantly rewarded. It seems like he wants to make parenting a contest and he wants to be seen as the better parent. Whilst you're trying to teach them boundaries he undermines it all by not sticking to any consequences you're giving them. Its easy to see where your kids get their disrespectful behaviour from when they're constantly watching their dad do it to their mum

I might be missing the point, but who checks CTTV footage on their daughter in their own home? I can't imagine living like that, knowing you're being watched. Gives me the creeps.

Your H would drive me batshit crazy!!! He needs to understand that loving your children means also making them feel secure with boundaries and consequences. He isn't doing them any favours at all.

@Puzzicle That's bizarre and desperately pointless immature behaviour for such an 'old' child.
As others have said, if she was 2 yrs old, throwing compost and giggling about it might be considered ok, but at Twelve? - I would be wondering about her mental health.

Discipline is crucial for children- your husband constantly letting her off the hook is going to come back and nite him hard on the arse as she gets into teen years.

There definitely should be consequences for such inane behaviour...and her dad needs to stop being so utterly wet.

Yeah...you've a problem there. You and DH need to agree consequences between yourselves and deliver them together. Back to counselling I'd say before the hell of the teenage years hit you both like a hammer.

She behaved badly, and it appears your DH then (unintentionally) rewarded it with a shopping trip. Madness.

Ok, YANBU to punish the DD for the compost incident, unless she has ADHD and suffers from poor impulse control. If she is ADHD, I would only have required her to clean up her mess as a natural consequence without it being a punishment.

Presuming she is NT, you have levied a punishment of confiscating her phone for an undefined period. To be fair, you should have said for how many hours/days. Undefined punishments are cruel. This is the punishment you chose and you shouldn’t be piling on fresh punishments when you have already punished her. It is holding an angry grudge.

You seem to have embarked on a vendetta of subsequent additional suprise punishment(s) that are seemingly being put on her randomly and for no reason other than you are still fuming (as you have already punished her):

1. The addition of grounding for a week
2. Taking TV out of her room
3. Refusing her to go to a friends house the day after

Your DH is rightly trying to reign you in because your anger is causing you to punish one wrong action not just once and reasonably, but over and over with increasingly harsh punishments that seem designed not to be natural consequences but to hurt your DD. In the grand scheme of things a bit of compost on the floor is not so naughty as to justify the punishments you have been capriciously piling on.

I think in future, you should agree with your DH on the one suitable punishment for a misbehaviour and then you need to agree it is done, no more extra punishment for that event.

Your husband should not be undermining your authority in front of your daughter. That's a big no no. Also why is he rewarding her bad behaviour? He sounds like the issue here, like he lets her get away with murder so she doesn't feel remorse.

I'd have a talk with him seriously about it and maybe together look at all the information on disciplining and the importance of having a united front.

Also the compost incident even if it was an accident I would have made her clean it up and then would add a consequence like if anymore damage or mess happens on that scale again screen blackout for 2 days

You both need to back each other up. But I agree that you're over the top and he's too soft. I find natural consequences work best. So make her clean it up and use her money to replace the compost plus petrol money if needed to drive there. The main thing is working out why she did it? Impulsively? For attention? Because she was angry with you?

Imho, the requirement to back up a partner on a punishment only applies if the punishment is reasonable and proportionate to the bad behaviour. If my DH were coming down like a ton of bricks like the OP is in this case, I would be objecting to it as well.

Ah OP, my DH is the same although we don't share children so it hasn't been as big an issue as our parenting is our own business...although our kids have all lived together so there was a huge lack of consistency in expectations of our children's behaviour which wasn't very fair on my kids. However, as a social experiment, I would say that my children have thrived with clearer boundaries whereas my DHs kids seem to find life more mentally challenging as they weren't as motivated or independent which impacts on their self-esteem.

A common theme I think is an abusive parent in childhood. My DH had this so it's a bit of a complex with controlling any situation which might be negative so it doesn't end in someone being physically hurt. It's pretty deep. Have you tried gently coaching him through it? And come up with some ideas and plans for when something like this might happen next? Almost practice your roles in what needs to happen? My DHs Mum is the same too and it is curious to watch them both exhausting themselves with it. I do sometimes wonder if my DHs kids will suddenly become like this when they are parents as well...I'm not convinced as they haven't ever experienced the abuse that their father and grandmother did.

I would call a family meeting and ask her once again what happened. When she says that it wasn't her/ it was an accident, write down the key words as a record (so she or DH can't claim latrr that she didn't say it), then show her the footage and call her out on her lies. Keep asking again and again why she lied. Make it really uncomfortable so she remembers the experience.

I'd be ending my marriage on that alone. I'm sure some people would think that is an overreaction. Not at all.

No I don’t think the punishment was too harsh for what was essentially wilful vandalism.

Exactly.
And people on this thread have cleared up the questions I've been having on how the younger generation are such terrorists.

Start listening to educators. Your kids are under disciplined

JFC Op over punishing? For vandalism, lying and complete disrespect?

Who on earth has voted YABU , and why?!?

i'm intrigued by the "cleaning up is enough punishment"

The way i see it is: the cleaning up is the direct consequence of making the mess. And therefore it is done to the standard i want it done.
And then there will be a punishment for not only making the mess, but for lying to me. and that would be something like being grounded for however long.

I might be missing the point, but who checks CTTV footage on their daughter in their own home? I can't imagine living like that, knowing you're being watched. Gives me the creeps.

eh? it was a complete mystery and CCTV was available. I'd have checked it too.