Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

I brought it up a year ago but he said it was too early, so I've given it another year.

It's been nearly 5 years. If he doesn't know now he never will.

See people say that, but then I see couples who marry after like 7+ years together so it just makes me wonder. Though I think maybe that's more common if you got together very young.

If you want children then you need to end it and move on.

If after 4.5 years he is still scared of committing to marriage and kids will he ever be ready to do so?
If marriage and kids is what you want I think you might as well call it a day now.

You are already 33 and you’ve been together 4 years and throughout that he’s said no so I’d leavd

He could string you along for ages. I’d ask him to be more specific - what’s standing in his way about marriage and kids, what does he want to achieve before them, ask him questions about how many he wants etc and if he’s not excited about family life then I would split up. It’s ok to ask explicitly for what you want and the future you’re working towards.

Yes but that's usually on agreement. Sometimes one will be getting out of debt etc before they combine finances. Only a tiny percentage will have changed their mind after being scared of marriage.

He’s with you while he is waiting for the love of his life. If she turns up, he’ll dump you and marry her as quickly as possible. If she doesn’t, he’ll settle for you. I’d walk away if I were you.

No time at all, if you want a child. Like PP said, he's had plenty of time at this stage. Your fertility won't wait.

He’s had long enough. Walk away now. Don’t let him pull and BS about how a proposal should be a surprise either.

in just the same way he didn’t surprise you by moving in and I’m sure there was a conversation where you as adults agreed it’s what you wanted so did it. So is marriage.

tell him he’s had long enough. What is actually so scary about signing a contract and committing to be legally a couple? Doesn’t want a big wedding, fine, have a small one.
doesn’t want to make a speech, fine, don’t make one.

but he’s really saying, he’s just not sure he wants to legally be in a relationship with you so time to move on.

Have another honest conversation and make it clear what you want - and that from your understanding it’s different from what he wants.

Be careful you don’t become the “place marker” OP.

That's fine if you are in your mid twenties but at 33 you need to cut your losses unfortunately

He's younger so he can wait 10 years for someone else to have babies with. You can't. He's not ready, you are. At 33 you can't wait.

It's shit or get off time.

I'd be looking to move out and split up now. I'd sit him down and tell him, 'Thanks for the honesty. It's clear that we want different futures and there is no point continuing this relationship any longer. I'm calling it a day now'.

You asked him a year ago - and nothing has changed. At 33 you've wasted 4.5 years on someone who is 'scared' of marriage and kids? He's immature for a start, but ultimately you want different things in life and I'd be moving on to find someone who wanted the same things as me.

I would give it another week. TBH.

Who wants to lead a reluctant man to the altar and maternity ward by the nose?

Time to move on.

He's apparently scared of both what marriage represents and of financial implications of a child (Which I do understand).

I've made it very clear that I have zero interest in an expensive ring, wedding etc. I'd be more than happy with a registry office.

I got married after 10 years but we’d bought a house and had a child together by then. And key difference is that we both knew that we wanted all three things. Just life (and Covid) got in the way.

He's admitted he's scared at the thought of committing to me for life.

Lots of people in my friend group only married after 10-14 years together.

The difference?
None of the women wanted children, and the marriages were purely as the simplest way to tie up the legal issues, not because anyone was bothered about being or getting married as a thing in itself.

He's happy to be with you day to day, but not on board with something that you've said is important to you and criticism for your long term future.

That's fine, he's allowed to not want to get married and have kids, but if it's not compatible with what you want in your life, then it's better to make an active decision than to just sit and wait and hope indefinitely - how much of your life are you willing to devote to hanging around until he possibly decides it's something he also wants? What if he never does?

If he says he’s not ready you have to listen to him, respect that and move on. The age difference between you is not in your favour unfortunately. A man at 29 is often in a very different place from a woman at 33. The last thing you want is a resentful, unwilling groom and father. You deserve better

You aren't Mrs. Right, you're Mrs. Right Now.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but not as bitter as waiting then he leaves you at 40 for a 25 yo he has children with.

Well after 4.5 years to hear that I'd be tempted to punch his teeth out.

I just keep thinking, well what if he's ready next year, the year after?