Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

Op I had one of these. I had all the same conversations you are having. I badgered and badgered and eventually practically forced him up the aisle ( Vegas just the two of us). Did we live happily ever after? Did we hell.

He just made a big deal about how he’d given me what I wanted. ‘You’ll be nagging me for kids next”. We split up and within no time at all he was re-married.

I regret everyone of those wasted years but now Im happily married to a DH who told me from the outset he wanted to marry me and was the one who made all the plans. His happiness shone through - as did mine - and I finally understood what marriage and commitment meant.

Oh OP - at least you now know. You are lots of fun and he’s happy enough with you, but no, you aren’t his long term plan. He would waste your fertile years using you to be his “plus one” to stop him —going without sex— being lonely until Miss Right comes along.

But now there’s no doubt or “what might have been”, you at least can walk away and know that if you’d stayed he would have probably left you anyway.

It doesn't matter if you can convince him too marry you. It's not going to work out with someone who feels that way. I know a woman who waited patiently for her younger boyfriend to commit. When he finally did (reluctantly) she broke up with him after two years. I guess she realised it wasn't that great being married to someone who doesn't really want to be married.

Oh dear. Are you the poster who has started dozens of threads already about this guy? I thought the last update was that you'd finally, finally dumped him? If it's you, for the love of God MOVE ON. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

The right man will not be scared to commit to you. The right man will be scared to lose you. Age is irrelevant.

My DH is 30, I’m 34 so similar situation to you. We’ve been married for 2 yrs, expecting 3rd DC (we were engaged and trying when we conceived our 1st, so not forced into marriage by accidental pregnancy). We’ve been together a bit longer than you 6.5 yrs. Incidentally, I dated his best mate (same age) for 4 yrs before that and he was too scared to commit to me.

= 2 guys, same age, 1 just wasn’t that into me, the other knew he didn’t want to lose me. Find the guy that doesn’t want to lose you. You deserve better.

Have you posted about this guy before, OP?

Anyway, if a man wants to marry you, it's bloody obvious.

You should never have to beg or cajole someone.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Don't you want someone who is excited about a future with you? Excited about making plans about a life together?

If someone was so anxious and scared about the possibility of a lifetime with me, I'd be giving them the gift of freedom, off you pop then. So deeply unattractive.

Given that you've already initiated several conversations with him and his response has ranged from "I'm scared to commit" to "I don't want to get engaged yet," to "I've spoken to all my family and friends about this but I want to wait until I can give you to have the wedding you deserve." "OK perhaps we could get engaged, hang on I need to think about this."

When you write that you looked him in the eye and asked can he see himself with you in 5 years time and he just looks at you hesitantly, it leads to a conclusion that after all this discussion he's either

1. a coward, not wanting to upset a status quo that's currently in his favour which is entirely selfish and therefore, given your obvious distress, cruel,
2. or he's being manipulative - giving you the grounds to call it all off so that he can maintain the impression that he's the good guy.

It doesn't give the impression, which you've mentioned previously that perhaps he feels he's too young/not ready to decide. He has def decided not now and the evidence leans towards not ever, but only you know how much weight to give that.

So to reiterate, you know each other and I can only go on the summary you've given, but I just feel that if you know someone needs an answer, they look you in the eye and ask for that answer and you withold that answer for whatever reason, that is lacking in care for the person who is asking. Sorry OP, this must be so difficult for you.

I’m really worried you’re too afraid to leave and start again and you’ll waste years waiting for this dope to be ‘ready’ (he never will be with you, I’m really sorry, he’d know by now) and your fertile years will be dead and gone.

Picture that.

You know what you have to do.

OP,

I am very sorry you are going through this. Like so many on this thread I had one of these guys in my life and he really groind me down. Again like so many, I met DH (the absolute love of my life) not that long after finally gaining the courage to dump him.

But that ‘s not the best part. The first few weeks after the break were rough. But then I began to realise the ways I had contorted myself to gain that jerk’s approval - you know, so he would marry me. The best part was getting myself back. As I did, I had plenty of good guys to choose from, but they honestly felt like a bonus.

We’re all afraid of the unknown. But you deserve better than you will get with this guy.

You deserve someone who loves you. Not someone lukewarm like that.

For transparency - my partner has major commitment issues. It took 12 years to move in together, 20 years to have a child, we've been together 34 years. He has never proposed. HOWEVER, I very much know my worth, decided to have DC very late, and the idea of being a bride has always filled me with horror. I live in fear of him having a sudden change of heart, and me having to turn him down. I think I'm safe though 🤣You obviously feel differently OP - don't hang around hoping and risking your chances of becoming a mum. Get out there and find someone who truly appreciates you. Good luck.