Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

Don’t let this Peter Pan steal your fertile years.

But still don't settle..

Unfortunately that’s your answer then

Move on.

Walk away with your head held high. I started dating DH when he was 29 and he asked me to marry him after 3 months.

It depends how important marriage/kids are to you, but at age 33 and together 4.5 years if he isn’t ready, he’s never going to be ready and personally I wouldn’t be waiting around. There are couples who wait longer but those tend to be couples who have no time pressure on what comes next (mainly kids), at 33 if you want children then you ideally would be trying now or preparing to try soon. You could wait another 2 years and he still not be ready and then you’re faced with being single and wanting children at 36, starting over with someone else. Get well out while you can would be my advice

Propose to him. When he says no end it.

I wouldn't give it one more minute.

In my experience men won’t settle down until they feel financially secure/ secure in their career. This is usually signalled by something big like qualifying in their profession, or more likely buying a home, or maybe get paid an amount they would consider good money.
For what it’s worth I’m not sure the friends we know who had children “earlier (27-35) are better off than those who had them “later”(35-43). Earlier seemed to have a tougher time financially for the first few years, and the women had a much tougher time building their careers, but then they seem very happy with their choice now. It’s the same for the ones who had them older, they think they got the better deal in someways.
It’s not something you want to feel like you are coercing someone into but maybe an honest talk about what each of you want in life beyond family would be good.
I think men genuinely really do fear not being good providers. In a similar way to women fearing leaving having babies too late.

I have heard too many stories where women waited around in these circumstances, then there was a break up at a point fertility was an issue for the woman, then the man got all settled down with someone else within the year - wedding and kids all lined up.

Don't waste your life away, you do not have time to waste on him. There will always be 'what if?' but if he is uncertain after 5 years the odds are more likely that he will drift along for a few more years not committing and that could steal your chances of having kids.

Honestly OP I would leave, my brother in law had a girlfriend who he kept stringing along for 15 years, always saying maybe next year maybe next year finally at 37 she left him, within 6 months he had someone else pregnant, 4 years later he's got 2 children & getting married this years. She's 41, childless and heartbroken.

Sorry but he's telling you that he's not entirely happy with you and believes there's probably someone better out there for him.

(He may well be waiting for them to turn up before he leaves you.)

I’m going to be harsh so feel free not to read on if that’s not what you’re after.

These threads always make me think of my lovely mum who was a pain in the arse but absolutely always right about stuff like this. We had the lecture that many times over the years I could pretty much repeat it verbatim, so in (something resembling) my mums words, behold the cold hard truth.

‘I’ve seen it time and again, these blokes don’t want to settle down - they’re too young, they’re not ready - but when the woman finally wises up and leaves them they are married to the next one before you can say shotgun wedding! You see they weren’t afraid to commit, they just didn’t want to commit with that one. Don’t waste your best years on one of those love. If they aren’t desperate to marry you they don’t deserve you’.

I wouldn't give him any further time to come round! He is not going to marry you.

This is the kind of guy who will marry another woman within 6 months of you splitting, with a baby on the way soon after.

If he wanted to marry you, you would be married by now.

Don't waste anymore time with this man

You asked him for an answer a year ago and he's sat around saying nothing until you felt compelled to ask him again and the best he can come up with is that he's scared at the thought of committing to you for life.
That's so complacent, lazy and utterly selfish to waste your precious time like this.
Sorry OP, its really disappointing for you. You deserve better.

I said what if we just get engaged then hold off on the wedding even for a couple of years, but he didn't want that either :(

Sorry, OP, I have to agree with all the other PP's.

This relationship isn't going to go where you want it to go and he's being utterly selfish and cruel to string you along as he is.

It boils down to one question-how long are you prepared to waste on this guy?

I think what you're holding onto right is a dream. A fantasy of who he could be and not who he really is. You're scared to let go because there's always a chance, however slim, that he could change his mind and suddenly want kids and marriage.

This isn't what he's showing you and can you afford to waste more of your life on the off-chance that he changes his mind? What if he doesn't?

And let's say he does propose, you will always remember his hesitancy and wonder if he's just doing it to appease you or if it's a "shut up ring," or because the woman he really wanted didn't come around.

I don't like to analyse people's thoughts like that-everyone is different-and he may have genuine concerns around marriage/kids-however, it's irrelevant. He's not giving you what you want. That's all that matters and now you need to work out what you do with that information.

If it were me, I'd have a final conversation with him about it and if his position hasn't changed-I'd be leaving.

He's telling you loud and clear there, sorry. Your time is very precious, don't waste it 💐

He's not interested in marrying you sadly. Please do not waste anymore of your time. Better to split now and give yourself a chance of finding someone who adores you and cannot wait to marry you.

You're not the one for him unfortunately, but you will be for someone.

Good luck, I hope you find him soon x

He is telling you very clearly how he feels about you OP- believe him. He doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want to start a family with you, and after 4.5 years he is scared at the thought of committing. Only you can decide what you want for you life but if you want a husband and a family you are wasting your time with this one.

Good! Because then you would have waited and wasted two more years! If you leave now you have time to find someone who is excited to marry you and have children before your fertility becomes an issue. Don’t listen to those saying dating is impossible at your age, I know many who met their partner at 35+ and have a family now. Good Luck!

This.

Give yourself a better chance of finding someone who does want what you want.

I think if you stayed on, he'd go along with it as it's comfortable, (and utterly selfish) but you'd be increasingly upset at his lack of care for your future.

He's saying he doesn't want to be with you forever. That's not massively encouraging as a basis for matrimony.
He's not ready for it, maybe won't be for another 20 years if it all, Al Pacino is still insisting on procreation in his 80s!?
You need to leave him now. He's not lying and stringing you along, hes saying he doesn't want it and doesn't know if he will. So it's partly your own fault you've let it go on this long.

Wow, so what does he actually want? His indifference seems savage. Is he making no effort to try and process what you're asking him?