Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

I agree that 4,5yrs is enough to know.

He might not want to marry until he's 30 & then be married for a couple of years before kids.

He can take that time.

Op, not so much.

good luck @Lovehearts33 and the stuff about “the wedding you deserve” is an excuse. You deserve more.

But I know it’s really really hard to break up with someone you love.

Haven’t RTWT - but to echo some PPs. ‘Scared of commitment’ generally means one of two things. Either they’re a perpetual Peter Pan who resents the idea of the trappings of family life OR after 4.5 years - they’re just not excited enough about the idea of life with you to pull the trigger.

the stuff about ‘wanting to be in a position to give you the wedding you deserve’ is bullsh**.

If he’s a remotely competent human who cares about you and sees you and hears you - then he’ll know what you want. He’s not ‘scared of commitment’ he just doesn’t want to rock the boat while life is comfortable - and doesn’t care enough about you enough to let you go to find someone else.

get out get out get out get out. 33 is plenty young enough to find someone brilliant and have a lovely family life. But it’s not young enough to waste another 5 years hoping that someone who doesn’t care quite enough now might start caring enough soon

I mean you got your answer OP, it's not happening. Period.

You're 33, want to be 39 and single? End it. Of he wants you and wants a future with you, he won't let it end. A YEAR for him to think about it!!!! Good luck, I'd be long gone.

@Lovehearts33
Find someone who will love you and will marry you.
This guy, if you leave him, will get married just not to you
Don't waste your time pretending, you're not the exception you're the rule

You deserve more.

It all sounds like bullshit, leaving you hanging on. Could you do a trial separation telling him you need some time to think about what you want and so should he?

I had to say to DH “right, it’s time, I’m 30. We’re getting married this year so we can start TTC next year”.

But he was on board with that decision, no arguments about not being ready or being scared to commit, and we’d already had multiple conversations over the previous 10 years about wanting to get married and have kids together so I knew he was on the same page (we got together very young). The discussion was about choosing the right time, not about whether to get married in the first place.

Thanks everyone, I have a difficult decision to make ..

Do you really, @Lovehearts33? I mean, it sounds to me as if the decision is made. He’s told you he’s reluctant to commit to you for life, that he doesn’t now want to marry you or have children with you, and giving patently false excuses about saving for a wedding you’ve explicitly said you don’t want. His behaviour is telling you that you’re ’good enough’ for sex and sharing household expenses, but he doesn’t want more. Something in your life appears to have taught you that it’s ‘usual’ to have to cajole a man into contemplating marriage, but I don’t think it is.

It seems to me that your ‘choice’ is either choosing him, in the recognition that this may mean you never have a child, or leaving and finding someone who wants what you want.

I would stop arguing with him about it. Tell him that he's made his position clear, and you're now going to review yours.

Are you in a position to book a weekend break/holiday away on your own or with a friend? Go away. Make it clear that if your plans aren't compatible you are quite prepared to walk away, then give both of you some space to think about that.

Don't marry someone who's scared by the thought of committing to you for life. You want different things. He's wasting your time. He won't go the distance with you.

@Lovehearts33 Honestly, you don't

He's made the decision for you

He probably does enjoy spending time with you, but he's told you loud and clear that he doesn't want to marry you

Ignore this at your peril

And, like PP, I also know of men who dragged their heels, didn't want to settle down and then boom, met the right person and married within months

I just think, what if he's a bit too young for it still, and I'm rushing it?

The thing is, you aren’t too young. You have a body clock and can’t wait until he’s 45 if you want to have kids yourself. So either way, you need to move on.

He's not being honest with you though, he's completely stringing you along. And he probably won't be any more mature at 32 than he is at 29. Even thinking about him in those terms is a bit infantilising tbh. Is it a partnership, where you're both on the same page with similar goals, or are you just providing a convenient shag and playing mummy the rest of the time? It all sounds quite off putting if I'm honest. Again, remember that it's your time he's wasting. Keep that to the forefront of your mind.

YOU are not too young though. He can technically have kids right up into his twilight years - you can't.

I suspect the wedding you deserve is with someone other than him.

I don’t think he’s stringing OP along. He’s told her he’s not ready to commit to her, is scared of the financial implications and doesn’t want an engagement. She’s just not listening.

After nearly 5 years? Nope.

@Lovehearts33 Listen to us - we're all saying the same thing.

He doesn't want to marry you but he doesn't want to rock his nice comfy lifestyle so he's just stringing you along - until he finds the One he does want to marry.

Find your self respect and dump him.

He's not scared. He just doesn't want to. It's easier to say he is afraid.

Throw him back. You deserve someone who puts in as much as they take out.

If you want children, you have no time to waste.

Please wake up, for your own sake. This man is showing you who he is. He doesn't want to get married or have children with you. He is now trying to twist that round and make it your fault by saying he wants to wait to give you the "wedding you deserve"

The "wedding you deserve" is marriage to someone who adores you and would do anything to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you. That is not him. Don't waste any more of your life on him. It's too short and precious.

He should be scared of losing you, not scared of committing to you. I know it's hard but you need to let go now so you have a chance of the family life you want with someone else who wants you. I would only risk staying with your current partner if you are happy with the possibility of not having kids.

Go and find someone who shares your dream for a family.

Lovehearts33 · Yesterday 16:53
I just keep thinking, well what if he's ready next year, the year after?

That sounds like 'sunk cost fallacy'. Think about how resentful you will feel if you stay with him another ten years and he still doesn't want to marry you or have a family with you.