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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Usual story, scared to commit

212 replies

Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:41

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

OP posts:
Overbythewaterfountain · 03/07/2024 10:55

OP, I don't wish to sound cruel but he is telling you very clearly that he does not feel the same way about you as you do about him. He has literally told you that he doesn't want to commit to you, that in fact he is frightened to do that.

He is, however, happy to live with you for companionship, sharing of bills, sex etc. You say yourself you do a lot for him. When pressed on marriage he has obfuscated and said he wants to give you the wedding you "deserve", but this is bullshit because the wedding you deserve is one where you are marrying a man who cannot believe his luck that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. As you say, you'd be happy to get married next week at the registry office. This is just him playing for time.

For your own self esteem you need to leave him (and for a shot at having the future you want). You don't actually want to marry this dweeb. You want to marry a man who wants to marry you, not one who is scared of the thought of doing that. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you are not paying attention to either his words or his (lack of) actions.

Glengarrybell · 03/07/2024 11:13

It’s such a tough decision @Lovehearts33 , it’s easy to speculate from the sidelines but hard to break up a relationship when you don’t really want to. Maybe the compromise is to step back from this issue in your own mind, take the time to quietly come to terms with the possibility he’s not the one for you but don’t do anything sudden. Take care of yourself, let him take the lead and let his “steer” for a while, give yourself a break.

I’m not suggesting you become sullen and withdrawn instead maybe try enjoying the relationship for what it is now, be fun, have fun, be light and think about what your ideal relationship would look like, with him or with someone else. It’s so easy to become so fixated on wanting a family and wanting someone to propose that we sometimes forget to think about what we really want. Whatever happens, whatever you decide, it will be best to leave the relationship amicably or to choose it and accept the uncertainty.
He is young, he will mature, BUT, that’s not your concern-you are not his mother. Getting married and having children is something he should feel excited by, but he needs space to feel that. Crucially, he ideally needs to wonder if he’s good enough for YOU, if YOU will agree to it. So try getting into the headspace of what life looks like with having children later, or with someone else or even not having children at all (some of the happiest people I know ended up on this route).

I know this feels so unfair, but the truth is no one owes anyone else children or marriage, no matter how good and kind they’ve been. Just try being gloriously, unashamedly, happily selfish and self serving and stop trying to control him. Easier said than done but I promise it will pay off.

Hivernal · 03/07/2024 11:23

Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:50

He's admitted he's scared at the thought of committing to me for life.

After 4.5 years I'd leave a man who said that. This stalling and waiting for the perfect wedding/proposal is all crap, and frankly it's cruel.

If you want kids biologically you can't wait around forever for him and he'll be well aware of that. A decent man would let you go if he wasn't able to commit after this long, but this guy has no issues with keeping you around while he makes up his mind/waits for a better option. It's been 4.5 fucking years.

This isn't on you OP, you deserve better.

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 11:42

He did say at one point he'd like to get engaged, then said 'err, actually, I need to think about it a bit more.'

OP posts:
DanielGault · 03/07/2024 11:50

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 11:42

He did say at one point he'd like to get engaged, then said 'err, actually, I need to think about it a bit more.'

He's screaming at you that he won't commit to you. You really should listen to him.

YellowAsteroid · 03/07/2024 12:03

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 09:46

I just think, what if he's a bit too young for it still, and I'm rushing it?

No. He's at a very good age to be thinking of creating a stable family.

This is the really tough thing, @Lovehearts33 - I have the same experience as several other PPs - you'll break up, and he'll very quickly move on & settle down.

It's horrible, but you will get through it, and you'll have a far far better life!

Think about it: do you really want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you in a heartbeat? Who isn't over the moon that you are prepared to commit to him for life, and take the huge step of having DC - a step which often makes women vulnerable and dependent on their partner.

You are the one taking the risk. If he isn't jumping at the chance to commit to an awesome woman, then you need to walk away.

The suggestion of going away is a good one. Also, maybe move into the spare room. Stop having sex with him; stop doing housework or cooking for him. Make him realise what he is giving up.

But really, you need to walk away. Take it from me. At your age, I wish I had walked away from the man I thought I would marry.

YellowAsteroid · 03/07/2024 12:04

Hivernal · 03/07/2024 11:23

After 4.5 years I'd leave a man who said that. This stalling and waiting for the perfect wedding/proposal is all crap, and frankly it's cruel.

If you want kids biologically you can't wait around forever for him and he'll be well aware of that. A decent man would let you go if he wasn't able to commit after this long, but this guy has no issues with keeping you around while he makes up his mind/waits for a better option. It's been 4.5 fucking years.

This isn't on you OP, you deserve better.

This.

I realise that 30 years on, I am still angry with the man who strung me along! Don't be me, @Lovehearts33

MimiSunshine · 03/07/2024 12:37

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 11:42

He did say at one point he'd like to get engaged, then said 'err, actually, I need to think about it a bit more.'

No he doesn’t. His gut is screaming at him that he doesn’t want to marry you but he can’t bring himself to tell you.

yes he’s happy with you right now, he doesn’t want to hurt someone he cares about so he can’t bring himself to tell you the full truth because he doesn’t want you to break up with him BUT he doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you either.

look at everything you’ve written here. You know it’s the truth it’s just horrible, a break up will be sad and you’ll both be upset but deep down he’ll be relieved because he doesn’t want to marry you.

MsRinky · 03/07/2024 12:43

They say scared instead of unwilling because it lets them play victim. Poor ickle frightened men, don't be scaring them!

We got married after 10 years because we were teenagers when we got together and did want to get Uni/jobs/house sorted out first. But there was never a question we would be together forever.

Please leave him and free yourself to find someone who nothing would prevent them from committing to you. I'm in my 50s now and have seen this scenario play out dozens of times, and it always ends the same way.

YankTank · 03/07/2024 12:46

Lovehearts33 · 02/07/2024 16:50

He's admitted he's scared at the thought of committing to me for life.

There’s your answer. Two options:

  1. accept it and spend your child-bearing years with him
  2. move on to find someone else
Londonrach1 · 03/07/2024 12:54

Listen to him op ...he is scared of being committed to you....he doesn't love you enough. You not the love of his life. He waiting for the love of his life to appear. He settle if not. Op ask yourself what you want. Do you want children, do you want to be married. Are you happy to be as you are in 10, 20, 30 etc years.....

Ahlovetoloveyoubaby · 03/07/2024 12:58

Triggerning · 02/07/2024 16:47

He’s with you while he is waiting for the love of his life. If she turns up, he’ll dump you and marry her as quickly as possible. If she doesn’t, he’ll settle for you. I’d walk away if I were you.

Sorry, but I think this is the case. Looking for greener grass and when he finds it, he’ll be off in a blink of an eye and a daddy within the year.

VaddaABeetch · 03/07/2024 13:26

I wouldn’t discount that he will come home one day & tell you that he’s met someone wonderful. When you protest he will say ‘But I told you’’.

He is not a good bet on so many levels.

you’re at the bargaining stage of the Grief cycle. All the What Ifs. I think you know that you’re not going to get what you want with him but frozen or afraid to end it.

I’d move on. Get yourself some counselling. Go off on a long holiday. Give yourself a set period to wallow & heal, max 6 months.

pasturesgreen · 03/07/2024 13:30

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 11:42

He did say at one point he'd like to get engaged, then said 'err, actually, I need to think about it a bit more.'

He's shamelessly stringing you along. He knows it, we know it, deep down you too know it.

Time to draw your conclusions.

BirthdayRainbow · 03/07/2024 15:11

Why aren't you hearing us @Lovehearts33 ?

When I was about 21 I pretty much forced my boyfriend to buy me a ring. It was 100% a shut me up ring. I told myself and others I'd rather just live with him that not have him at all. I wish I was the woman I am now as I would realise I was trying to convince myself I was happy with this. At the end of the first date with my next man I asked if he wanted to get married and have kids. I didn't want to waste another two years with someone who didn't want the same as me..

No idea if the previous ex married or had kids but he tried to come crawling back for quite a while.

No man. No man at all is worth giving up the chance of having a child. Just ask my friend who is over 60 and will never forgive her h for telling her after they were married he didn't want kids. He regrets it now too.

This is over. This should be over. Honestly he's not that special. When you finally leave, marry and have kids you will wonder what on earth you were agonising over and why you wasted so much of your precious life with him.

Cookiecrumblepie · 03/07/2024 15:21

Yeah leave. This happened to my friend. She’s never had children. She spent 10 years with a guy who thought she was “okay”, and enjoyed the free sex and found it handy to have someone do the cooking and cleaning for him. Men are quite happy softly exploiting women. They don’t feel it’s wrong.

Ejvd · 03/07/2024 16:07

Him being sceptical about lifelong commitment is fine, and pretty realistic. (Although he will need to marry you if youre having kids together even if he thinks lifelong commitment is unrealistic). Him being unsure about having children is not fine if you want them and are in your early 30s. You are running out of time to find your children's father. So, if you sincerely want kids, you will need to leave this time waster and find someone who definitely wants children.

user1471538283 · 03/07/2024 16:43

Oh love time goes by so fast. Do you really want to continue to sleep walk and wake up in 5 years time still with a man scared to commit to you? Scared to have DC? Continually making excuses about his age or you having a big wedding you don't want?

If you do stay you will have to settle for a life you don't want.

Sunnydiary · 03/07/2024 16:47

Nope.

I would only marry someone who was desperate to be my DH, and thought himself the luckiest man alive.

He seems pretty disinterested tbh. You don’t have the luxury of waiting around if you want DC. Bin him and move on.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/07/2024 18:56

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 09:46

I just think, what if he's a bit too young for it still, and I'm rushing it?

He’s 29 not 19.

if he’s immature then he’s not a suitable man to start a family with anyway.

go find your equal.

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 19:49

Well the final nail in the coffin.
"could you see yourself with me in 5-10 years from now?"
Looks at me hesitantly.
I just got really upset and asked him what the point was...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 19:52

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 19:49

Well the final nail in the coffin.
"could you see yourself with me in 5-10 years from now?"
Looks at me hesitantly.
I just got really upset and asked him what the point was...

Why are you doing this? You're just kicking a dead dog asking questions you know are going to result in hurt feelings. I really don't know what it will take for you to accept the reality of your situation. Just end it and move on already. Why you're still talking to him is a mystery.

Loopytiles · 03/07/2024 19:53

wouldn’t waste any more time on this one. At any age and definitely not at age 33 when you want DC.

Lovehearts33 · 03/07/2024 19:55

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2024 19:52

Why are you doing this? You're just kicking a dead dog asking questions you know are going to result in hurt feelings. I really don't know what it will take for you to accept the reality of your situation. Just end it and move on already. Why you're still talking to him is a mystery.

I don't know, I just wanted to see what he said. I wanted some proof of it.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 03/07/2024 19:56

You've had plenty of proof love.