Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

You're already lowering your standards here. You want different things and the longer it's dragged out the more you're decreasing your options.

He might. But I suspect it will be with someone else.

Don't you want to try to be with someone who is desperate to marry you? If might not happen but it definitely won't with this bloke.

And he probably will be. But with someone he loves with all his heart - and that isn't you and won't ever be you.

I mean he's told you really hasn't he - he's been honest enough to say it's you that he's frightened of committing to. You're just not hearing it.

This is fairly brutal. But I suspect entirely correct.

I've had a guy say this before. He wasn't ready. He had problems at work (he did) had mh issues (he did) had alcohol problems (also true). Couldn't commit to me.

He's within someone else within 3 months of breaking up and they've got married barely 18 months later.

He'd do it for the right person. Just not you. Move on.

Ah op that's hurtful to hear. At 33 yes I'd cut my losses and move on. You deserve to be with someone who can't wait to marry and start a family with you especially after so long. If you want to have children then you unfortunately don't really have the luxury of waiting around on him and you don't want to waste time since none of us know how smoothly these things go. I think he's old enough and you've been together long enough that he should know by now. So really you just need to have a think of what goals you have for your life and be very direct with him about it. If he's not 100% on board then walk away and find someone who is. It's unfair for him to string you along like this.

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.

Stop performing wife work.

There is your answer then. He’s not fully sold on you as a wife, girlfriend is fine both you’re just not it for him.

sorry to be brutal but you have to hear what he’s saying and he’s just not sure.

now you may ask, how can anyone be 100% but you are as close as 100% sure on him aren’t you because you want those things with him.

he’s not. There is no fear of marriage. Trust me, nothing really changes afterwards but that’s not a reason to not do it.

And also this. I spent 4 years with a guy who told me the same. He was engaged to a friend of his within a year of me walking away and I knew it was the right thing because he wasn't indecisive, he knew i wasn't the one, he just didn't know how to end it with me. Now I wish I hadn't wasted so many years on him

I’m sorry but I think you should move on. My DH had a girlfriend for 9 or 10 years (met at final year at uni). They broke up. A few months later (both of us aged 33) he met me and we were married within 6 months.

He has said he doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t waste your time.

If you want kids move on asap. Make that your priority.

Sorry, same story. Took my impending 30th birthday for me to walk away after 5 years . Used his parents divorce as his reason for not wanting marriage. Guess what? Married the next person after a year of dating (I did too)

It’s sad but you need to start making plans to leave. He’s told you he doesn’t want marriage and kids. He knows that you are 33 and don’t have time to waste but he doesn’t care.

How can he live with you for nearly 4 years and feel like this? What does he want out of life if not you? I'd be fuming at him coming out with what he said. Does he not see that his words sound like he may as well have said "sorry for wasting 4 years of your life".

I'd say either we get engaged within 6 months and married within 12 months, or I'm off. I know colleagues who've given their partners ultimatums. Not romantic but you know where you stand.

You've given him long enough. Please don't waste any more years on this guy.

Thanks all.. I guess it's clear.

If that’s not a total turn off I don’t know what would be! Do you actually want to marry and have children with someone you had to cajole or bully into it? Why do you think any of this is ‘usual’?

And why did you move in together after eight months?

Quite often when people marry after a long time and it then goes wrong quite quick it was when they think it will fix things.

Five years is plenty. Give him one chance then I'd call it quits. Or just end it and when he says why tell him you want marriage and kids and he clearly doesn't with you.

All feelings would vanish for me if my partner said that.

What if he isn't?

Is he worth not having kids for?

I asked my h if he wanted marriage and kids at the end of the first date. No point wasting time. I'd spent two years with a man who proposed but had no intention of marrying.

He's not going to change. If you persuade him it'll end badly.
Time to throw him back.

4.5yrs in late 20s? No, OP. If he doesn’t know now, he never will, or the other likely scenario of him reluctantly agreeing to engagement but dragging his feet on the marriage, and/or reluctantly agreeing to marriage to then drag his feet on children.

I get it, it’s sunk cost fallacy – you’re 33 and you’ve invested years into this. Don’t buy into this. Don’t wake up 3yrs down the line and be in this same position. And don’t let fear of your biological clock determine the quality of life partner you accept for yourself.

I would just ask him what he does want out of life. Give him a little time to consider it. Dont give him ultimatums, you dont want him agreeing to marry you under duress! If he doesnt want to commit then what next.

Ask the OLDers on here what the marketplace looks like at early 30s and you may hear how slim pickings it is.