Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

Leave him. He doesnt love you. Hes wasted 4.5yrs of your life already.

You sound a wonderful potential Wife..If you are happy with an affordable wedding, he has no excuses at all.

Bin him! You can do so much better, 33 is really young! {But not in terms of fertility}- so you don't want to be wasting time.

I hope you don't have a mortgaged house together, as it will make splitting much easier. {Financially if not emotionally}

He said he's spoken to his friends and family about it since our discussion.
He was saying he wants to give me the wedding 'I deserve ' and do it the proper way, even though I was adamant I didn't care at all about that. I just don't know ..

Gently, it doesn't sound like you value yourself very much. Your happy for this guy to set life changing parameters for you. Maybe a few sessions of counselling around relationships would do you good? Did your parents have a good relationship?

@Lovehearts33 you have said so much, yet given very little information.

who is earning what and who is contributing what to current set up? It all reads like he likes Sharing costs with you which is the sole reason you two moved in together. Why move in within 8 months of dating? People move in after 2/3 years in prep for marriage. You two seemed to have jumped to living together as arrangement and costs suited you both.

can you shed light on thi? Where will he live if you broke up today? Where will you live?

This is constantly trotted out. It's bullshit. How about he lets you decide what you want? He sounds like a dick tbh.

That makes no sense at all.

He's stalling for time.

My Dad after Mum died remarried in a Registry Office with just a few family and friends...with me as child bridesmaid!- the reception was done at their house.
They were very happy...in fact, the people who had the simplest cheapest quietest of weddings seem to be still together!

The big weddings at beautiful Country Houses, or elsewhere seem to founder.

Love and compatibility is the key.

Are all men given a script at school that they recite to women they’re not interested in marrying? They all say the same things.
Cut your losses, stop moping after this one.

He can use that excuse forever. When you're 40 he can still be saying "Let's just save a bit more so I can give you the wedding you deserve"

That would be funny if it wasn't so accurate!

You've brought up the subject, you're sitting there in tears and his response is that marriage "wasn't something he'd thought about." He says that to get out of a difficult situation, because it makes him sound so innocent... Oh its never crossed my mind. After four years how can it not have crossed his mind one way or another?

You are selling yourself short and basically begging for him to say he loves you enough. Why?

I know why I wanted security and marriage but why do you? Btw I was engaged three times. To three men who didn't really want to get married, I left all of them and when my husband proposed, with in hours we had a date, the church booked and every one told. When they want you they make it happen.

I'd say you want to move out and date other people as you are looking for someone who wants to marry and have kids before your fertility starts declining.

I bet this is the truth, honestly though maybe stop doing so much for him? There’s nothing wrong with you, and what you are going through is pretty normal but maybe focus on yourself more. Take care of your self, do the things you want to do and be the person you want to be. You can’t push him into this. It might be about his level of interest but put bluntly, no one responds well to this sort of pressure.

And yet he wants to give her the wedding she deserves. So allegedly has thought about it. He's really trotting out all the lines isn't he. Arsehole.

He wants to give you the wedding you deserve sounds like a proposal, but there's no date. He's previously said he wasn't willing to get engaged.

If it wasn't for the fertility issue and the "piece of paper" issue - do both of you see a life where you would be happy to grow old together?

Scared my foot! I wouldn't want to be with someone who found being with me and committing to me scary.

Like others have said it's a concern he will find someone else and marry them within months of you splitting up. After you've waited.

I'd tell him straight. This ends things.

OP, he is playing a well established game of giving you crumbs, just enough to keep you hanging in there. He doesn't care about you, or your fertility, or ultimately your happiness. You are convenient to him right now and he won't look back when he gets what he perceives as a better offer. All the while, your fertility is declining. You need to think about yourself now. He certainly is

Its is bullshit OP. Open your eyes and close up your heart.

The quicker you get over this guy, the faster you can heal and find someone who actually loves you and wants to build a life with you.

I swear, if you stay another year you will regret it more than anything you've ever regretted in your life.

You're handing your happiness to him on a platter and watching as he turns his nose up and says "don't really fancy that".

Stop fucking giving him any control over your life and happiness and take control of the situation...

He's dangling a carrot. He doesn't mean it. If he meant it he'd propose. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know his own mind but, more likely, is so cruel? If he loved you he'd want you to have what you wanted. He'd be honest with you. He's said he doesn't want to commit. Now he is saying he wants to give you 🙄 the wedding you deserve.

Really, I think you need to stop pandering to him. The reality is that he doesn't want to marry you, in a registry office or anywhere else. He will feel the same next year and the year after too. That's his right of course, but if you want children, then you need to cut him loose. You only have a limited time in which to have children, and at your age every year counts.

Op, come on now, you really need to take the blinders off because this is getting ridiculous. He is lying to you. He is strategically stringing you along. He is saying just enough to keep you hooked because he likes his easy life just the way it is. This is honestly one of the oldest stories in the book.

The time to talk about giving you the wedding you deserve was several years ago. Tell him no, it’s marriage and ttc by the end of the year or you’re leaving.

There's nothing wrong with you.

There are two reasons why you are not yet married:

1. you are with a man who has made it clear he will not marry you
2. you are not currently 'on the market' - you can't find a husband if you are not single and looking.

Do you want children some day? If so you have two options:

1. Trick him into fatherhood he doesn't want with you by 'accidentally' getting pregnant
2. Leave him ASAP and look for someone who wants to have children with you.

I don't recommend option 1 - it will end very badly.

He will not break up with you at the moment because he has all the following things:

1. sex available
2. help with household costs
3. help with housework
4. all the other things you do for him that you referred to.

He will however drop you like a hot rock when he finds the one he wants to marry and have children with.

Please, do your future self a big favour and end this relationship now.

This post pretty much says it all.

He has a sweet deal right now. Sex, companionship, help with the bills, but no commitment. There's really no downside for him to this arrangement, is there? Which would be fine if you wanted the same things from life, but clearly you don't. Dump him and give yourself a chance to find a partner who wants what you want.