Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

Don’t stay with someone who after this amount of time isn’t sure you are ‘the one’.

You’re still so young - you’ll find someone. And then you won’t have to plead with them!

No matter how slim the online pickings are in your 30s you still have a much better chance of meeting somebody to marry and have children with if you leave this man. After all you only have to find one decent one and focus on what your bottom line is. There are very few men of 6'3" who are immensely good looking, financially secure and perfect out there. I ended up marrying somebody completely different to the men I had been dating - he wasn't keen on looking "cool" or "hip", he was keen, he followed through on dates, he was honest, well educated, employed and he wanted a life together. A friend tried to dissuade me from marrying him because she said "he wasn't good at parties". No, he didn't make drunken scenes - he was just a bit shy. She on the other hand never married although she did get to hang around a lot of guys who were good at parties.

Well then. Bin him now. It’s been four years for fuck’s sake.

Goodness op he couldn’t be clearer about his intentions! You’ve lowered the bar as low as it will go and he’s still not interested. Just walk away. That’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Jesus Christ OP, I don’t know how much clearer he could be here, but you just aren’t hearing him.

He is scared by the idea that in ten years time, he won’t have found anyone else, and will still be stuck dating you. If that isn’t a wake up call, I really don’t know what would be.

Well he said once 'Yeah, I'd like to marry you' but it was like he felt pressured to say it, that's all. I didn't feel it was genuine, he said it when I was upset. He's never brought up marriage of his own accord, he said it wasn't something he'd thought about.

Im sorry op but the only way he could make his feelings clearer about what he thinks of you and him having a future together , is by him actually breaking up with you. Walk away, he's told you that he does not see a future with you.

Please don’t waste your time on him. Please. He’ll happily waste away your fertility, he won’t care. I know it’s hard but it’ll be worse getting to 45 and still being with a man child.

OP, this is brutal, but you need to watch it:

He's making it very clear you're Ms good enough for now. And he'll be off and probably having babies once someone 'better' comes along. It's your choice whether or not you accept that treatment.

My DH couldn't wait to propose and marry me; that's the kind of love you want OP.

Someone who says; "I want you to be mine forever, I want to commit to you, have you as the mother to my children and spend as much of my life with you as possible."

It took a year for my DH to propose and he said his only regret is not meeting me sooner in his life so we could have spent more time together; I feel the same way.

15 years and two DC later we were even more in love; he was my best friend.

Sadly he's now my late husband, but I still feel blessed to have had 15 years of that bottomless love and devotion and I'd rather that than 40yr of lacklustre "love" and family/child/commitment avoidance.

So he's saying , you're not the one. You need to leave.

@Lovehearts33 If a man needs bossing or pestering into marriage, it's really not good.

I know several men, all who were nagged into marriage in their early thirties, they did 'give in' for the sake of peace, but sadly these marriages foundered.

Each time, the man said the women kept on and on, hinting, asking, sulking, crying...Some of them had lovely weddings, but they ended after a few years.

If you have to ask or pester, he's not really wanting to commit.

The men said being married made them feel trapped...despite in all cases the couples had a house together.

If he won't marry you willingly , find someone else.

Sorry OP, but a marriage where one party isn’t 100% sure it’s the right thing isn’t going to work. You need to cut your losses and move on while there’s still time for children if that’s your dream.

Exactly this.

You were very lucky to have met your lovely Husband. He was lucky to have you.

My Birth mum and Dad were really in love, and then Mum died after a few years together. {Illness}

Dad remarried, and Mum number 2 and he were very happy - til he too died.

There ARE committed men around, but they are rare creatures.

It's hard when the majority of people around you have married their partners or are engaged. It makes you think, what's so bad about me? I do so much for this guy.

But think about it OP, you say yourself you do so much for him, so why would he marry you if he is already getting everything he could want anyway?

He has told you he doesn’t want to marry you, and isn’t ready for children. If you stay with him, you are accepting those facts. If that isn’t the life you want for yourself then you have the power to change it, there will be someone out there who will!

I hear ya! Many friends met their partners in their 20s, had a few years together and married in their early 30s, then pregnant within a few months. Like me, you probably attended their weddings. But if you pick the wrong partner at this age then there's a good chance you're screwed and the window closes. There aren't infinite chances. On the plus side you arent single, you're with a man you love, its more a long term commitment issue.

I said what if we just get engaged then hold off on the wedding even for a couple of years, but he didn't want that either :(

If you were the love of his life he wouldn't want to risk losing you.

Sorry but he's just not that in to you. He isn't going to come round so don't waste any more time on this loser.

It's time to move on. End it this week. You deserve better.

Please dump his sorry ass and find a man who will cherish you.
You REALLY don't want to be coercing him into marriage- it just won't work.

If a man really loves you, he will want to be with you ''for ever'' -

I do know a woman very happily married to a much older man after a painful divorce- He is in poor physical health {arthritis} but they really love each other.
That is how it should be.

If you want children, you haven't much time.

If you were the one, you'd know it by now, op. I'm sorry you're not getting the positive comments you were hoping for, but the writing is on the wall. This man will never fully commit to you.

Having been in your shoes at a similar age, I would look at what he’s doing to find out what being ready to commit means. If he just says it but isn’t doing any self investigation or reflection, or reading, or talking to his family or friends, or a therapist, about his fears of commitment, then it’s just an excuse to stall, he’s not acknowledging your fears, and he may never feel “ready”. Readiness to commit and build a life together doesn’t just swoop down from above and hit you; it’s a decision. You’ve both got to want it. It sounds like he’s not convinced. From my experience people tend to know fairly quickly if a person is a possibility, they also know when that’s not true, but are often cowards and cannot tell the truth. Be careful of ultimatums; there is a cascade of divorces happening in my friendship group because some men (and one woman) married under duress. I recommend you set a private deadline for yourself (end of year?). Keep communication open and lighthearted. Say what you want but don’t pressure. If there is no movement by your deadline, thank him for good times and move on. I was in your shoes once and I wish I’d moved on earlier. I have no absolutely no regrets and I hope the same for you x

Don't let him lead you on children wise OP that's one thing you don't want to risk wasting time on if you want children

I just keep thinking, well what if he's ready next year, the year after?

If you keep thinking like this and stay with him you’ll find yourself in 5 years time realising he’s not going to and you’ve wasted most of your fertile years. You’ve already spent 4.5 years waiting for him, he’s not going to suddenly change his mind now. If he suddenly does when you break up with him I wouldn’t trust him not to string you along further claiming you need to save for a wedding/baby.

there's absolutely nothing bad about you, he's just not the right one for you.

"Not wanting to commit" only means "not wanting to commit TO YOU". It hurts, but it's true. No one is every scared of committing when the right person comes along.

You are better off moving on. You could stay, but it's pretty depressing to know that he's not committed, and you are wasting your chances on finding the right one.