Usual story, scared to commit

[Lovehearts33]

I am 33, partner is 29, 30 in Jan. Together 4.5 years, moved in together after 8 months.
No engagement on the horizon, we had an honest conversation and he's scared of the thought of marriage and kids.
How long would you give him to come round?

I really wouldn't recommend this. I know several people that are married and/or have children through ultimatums. They're generally solo parenting (even while married) and with people who clearly aren't really invested.

Don't do this. It won't last and you'll fuck up the kids life.

This with balls on

Read your posts, OP. He doesn't want to get married. He's not for you.

Sorry.

You can't just hang on hoping he'll come round. Give him one last chance and move on if he doesn't want to take it.

Maybe the shock of you leaving will shock him into action, but only stay if he makes definite plans. Otherwise, he'll continue to string you along. There are plenty of nice men who want to be dad's.

He has put you on 'HOLD' - and that's where you'll stay for the rest of your life. He will never change. Now is the time for you to decide what YOU want - and do it. Please do not let him waste your life away.

I suspect that those people have an agreement like to buy a house first etc and that there’s no scared to commit attitude after so long. Being a parent is a scary step but I think that he should know if he sees you as a long term (forever) partner.

He’s keeping you on a string with this. That’s all.

Do not give him any more of your time

he isn’t ready to settle with you sorry but that’s the harsh truth

go and be free to find someone who is

@Lovehearts33 He might be stringing you along, but he’s also pretty young. it’s really not uncommon to be in his position- is he ambitious? Is he usually cautious with money?
When you say you don’t want the expensive ring or the fancy wedding- that’s all well and good but why don’t you? Maybe it would be good to stop holding him to the minimum possible standard. Think about what you honestly want, not just what you think you would put up with just to ensure you have a family. I see how it’s a really pragmatic position, very reasonable, why waste all that money on one day, right? But it might also be sending out a signal of “I will take ANY kind of treatment so long as you marry me”. Maybe he doesn’t want your friends and family to think he can’t afford a “normal wedding” and a “good” ring like everyone else?
People get pretty insecure around weddings

Then he can come and find you. If you're still single.

Most threads I’ve seen like this have the woman doing the whole I don’t need a big wedding or flash ring and the man procrastinating at Olympic level saying if we can’t afford a big do what’s the point.

Its embarrassing we’re willing to forgo nice things for them.

He's just not that into you and you’re running out of time here if you want kids.

I had to give my husband an ultimatum as did another friend, I think men just don’t have the same time pressure on them that women do.

I think the good ones are generally well aware of that though. This guy is messing around and wasting her time.

Oh @Lovehearts33 i really feel for you. It happened to me and I clung to a schoolgirl romantic notion that he would finally propose. It never happened and he dumped me quite unceremoniously. I wish I’d been stronger and left earlier.

Just tell him it’s either commitment or you’re finishing it. And maybe just walk away anyway. Allow him to realise what he’s giving up.

Don’t do what I did. I was worth more but I didn’t think I was. You are definitely worth more.

I asked my h if he wanted marriage and kids at the end of the first date. No point wasting time.

I mean, this thread does raise an interesting question. How do you know when to commit to man? They could promise you the world at the start but then before you know it 5 years have passed and they're not interested in marriage or kids and walking away isn't as easy as it's made out to be. After all, OP loves this guy, that's the whole point.

He's not scared and doesn't want to give you, 'the wedding you deserve' the truth is, he doesn't want to marry you, it's nothing to do with you and nothing you have done, you just aren't the one he wants to marry.

My friend said for years to girls he didn't want kids, didn't want to get married, broke up with girls because they kept going on about kids and he was beyond adamant he didn't want them. One day he met a girl within a year he was engaged and she was pregnant soon after and now they are happily married with a baby and one on the way.

I'm sorry, if he wanted to marry you and have kids with you, he would, it's been 4.5 years, he knows what he wants from you and it's not marriage and kids xx

You have to know what you want, and not lose that in the fun of a new relationship. Especially where fertility is a pressing concern.

If this was true he would have been fine with an engagement. He wasn't. Which means it's bullshit.

I'd actually be concerned (because he doesn't want an engagement) that there's a reason. He wants to seem more single than he is. Not just be more single.

OP - he’s scared to commit to you, because he’s not 100% convinced you are the right woman for him. He’s scared to commit because he thinks he might find someone else he loves more and then he’d be stuck with you/co-parenting with you.

if he was certain you were the right woman for him, he’d not be scared to commit. He might want to have a long engagement to save for a good wedding, he might want to delay starting a family until you’ve bought a house, but he wouldn’t be worried about if you were the right person, just if the timing was right.

Walk away.

OP, this is going to sound harsh but it's true.

He is not scared of commitment. He just doesn't want to commit to YOU.

I've seen men do more for women they've known 6 months than ones they've been with for years.

An ultimatum would be a terrible idea. This type of scared man is higher risk of doing a runner and leaving OP a single mum imo.

What he said about the wedding you deserve is a good excuse to give everybody else. It sounds like you are the reason why you aren’t married (you want a big marriage and he’s saving hard)

I think that he doesn’t want to marry you and would happily remain unmarried to you. It wouldn’t surprise me if he ends up as one of those guys who marries and impregnates the next gf fast.

Sorry, OP, I agree with the posters saying he doesn’t want to marry you. You’re worth more than someone settling for you for the time being.

walking away isn't as easy as it's made out to be. After all, OP loves this guy, that's the whole

I know this from hard personal experience. I couldn’t walk away because I lived the guy, but I should have. It only made it harder when things inevitably fell apart.

That’s why I’m saying to @Lovehearts33 that she should be clear about wanting marriage and children and give him space to decide - walk away from the relationship for a week or so. And if he’s still putting her off she should finish it. Because it’s going to have to finish it at some point from what she says.

Me and my DH didn't get married till ten years after we got together, but then neither of us could be bothered with a big wedding, we both felt we were okay just living as a couple, until we had kids. We did buy a house together early on, which to me at least, was a bigger, scarier commitment than marriage.
I also didn't really have a desire to have kids AT ALL till I got to around thirty four.
I expect a lot of these people getting married later are like me and my husband, happy to drift along together with neither feeling strongly about having kids for the most part.
I don't think you should worry about your fertility per se - unless you have health issues or if early menopause runs in your family - most women are fertile at least till their early 40's - but I think you should cut your losses with your partner and move on. Considering you know what you want, he sounds far too flaky.