To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

[SiberFox]

Two of my best friends are childless not by choice and finding it hard, and I’m learning to navigate that as a friend with a baby. Blogs, podcasts and forums for the childless have been really helpful for me to better understand how they might be feeling/what not to say etc, as well as my personal experience of recurrent miscarriage. I am on board with most advice I’ve seen so far.

However, something that I’ve seen frequently on there is the condemnation of the “do you have children?” question - it keeps bugging me. I understand where it comes from - when you’re grieving, it must be triggering, uncomfortable, painful to be reminded of that/to try and find an adequate answer. But the conclusion that it should therefore be banned as a “lazy”, “insensitive”, “triggering” question just seems like an overreaction? It’s not like asking a stranger how many kids they’ve got which would be stupid and insensitive as an assumption, it’s just establishing a basic fact about the person. I’ve seen many people say that it’s completely not interesting/irrelevant as you get to know the person, but how is it irrelevant? It’s literally one of the major things to know about someone.

I’m finding the “Where do you come from” question uncomfortable at the moment because my country is screwing up politically on the global arena but it doesn’t make me think that we should ban the question. Anything can be triggering - asking about someone’s line of work (what if they’re unemployed), etc etc, where do we draw the line?

AIBU that there is nothing wrong with the question per se? Or am I lacking empathy here?

I find it's acceptable to ask of women, but not many people would immediately ask it if a man.
I wouldn't leap to asking that of someone, I'd assume it would come out organically.
But it's not offensive when they ask to just say 'no' and then the person moves on the convo. What's offensive is if they follow it with 'oh, why?/ Oh, that's a shame' etc.
I have answered with 'because I have no interest in ruining my body for someone who'll turn round and hate me most probably' lol

I think if it's 'literally one of the major things to know about someone' and they want you to know then they'll volunteer that information. There's no need to ask.

That said, I don't think it's a terrible, awful question to ask in the context of getting to know someone as a friend. Outside of that, e.g at work or with someone you've just met it's a no go.

I agree, it's like asking are you married or what do you do for a living.

Someone could be going through a messy divorce, widowed or desperate to find the right partner and there can be a multitude of reasons why someone doesn't work.

I understand those types questions might be painful for anyone experiencing difficulties but people don't ask with ill intent, it's just small talk.

I couldn't have children and have never been offended by being asked the question.

As a first question when you meet someone it's a bit intrusive, but when you've known someone a little while it seems a strange thing not to know. Work colleagues for example, it's fairly usual for someone to ask at some point if it isn't made clear. If people don't want to be asked, they could preempt it by a comment making it clear e.g. "the 2 of us are going to X".

I don't mind if someone asks if we have children. Why don't we have children is different though.

In my opinion a far worse question is one that I've had a few times, which is 'how old are your children?' And then the embarrassed silence when I answer that I don't have any.

At least the 'do you have children?' question acknowledges the fact that some of us don't!

Agree.

I think asking as part of getting to know someone is usually ok and not many people would be offended.
What is a problem is when people seem unable to take the answer and move on but continually question why they don't have kids or ask when they are going to start a family. That's when it can be upsetting as you need to defend / explain your choices (which of course might not always be your choice)

Absolutely this, I have no issue with someone asking, but once they’re told no - leave it at that, do not ask why, I do not want to discuss that with someone over idle chit chat thank you.

I think the problem with the question is how you handle the answer. If someone says yes, you can ask about their child/ren. If someone says no, what's the reaction? Asking why is definitely an intrusive and potentially rude question. But I'd imagine that's the next thing most people would say.

I'm childfree and have no issue with being asked. But I know too many people for who it would be an upsetting question.

Where do you come from where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe

Sorry..

Anyway. I think "Where do you come from" is an utterly ridiculous question to ask someone. Its irrelevant. "Where did you grow up?" Fine.

Yeah this is the thing. If they say no then you need to quickly have a follow up that isn't about kids.

I hate "And what do you do?" because the answer is pretty much nothing, but I don't get my knickers in a knot about it. It's smalltalk.

The same with "Where are you from?" and "Have you got children?" Conversational gambits.

Definitely agree that if the question is asked in an aggressive manner (“Why don’t you have kids?”) or followed up with further questioning or dumb advice, it’s very insensitive

I think 'Do you have children?' is different to the 'When are you going to have children?' question that I got a lot after we got married and were TTC for 3 years.

The first I didn't mind, because 'No' was the simple answer. The second I hated being asked.

My friend who sadly isn't able to have children despite trying for years and several rounds of IVF understandably hates it more.

I'm childfree by choice and I'm not offended or annoyed by being asked if I have children - because, let's face it, we're still outliers in a majority natalist society - as long as the conversation then moves on to, I dunno, the weather or the news or the price of cheese or something.

'Do you have children?' is fine.

'Why not?' is not fine.

It’s a hard one. I can see both sides. I can see how someone would see it as a completely innocent question, trying to get the I know someone. However, having struggled to get pregnant and currently miscarrying my first pregnancy being asked a question like that is absolutely soul crushing. Im a teacher and a parent made a completely innocent joke along the lines of ‘you next’ the other day (I got married last summer so I can see the logic) and she had no idea I was currently waiting for my body to realise my baby had died. However she didn’t need to say that at all and I had to rush away because I could barely contain the tears.

I'm childfree and I don't find it offensive to be asked. The issue is that I find it's usually asked by parents, I assume because they want to talk about their own kids, and when you say 'no' they often seem genuinely stumped on what to say next to move the conversation on.

It's very rare that I've been asked why, which is rude and opens another whole can of worms.

Exactly this

i dont mind being asked if I have children, I do mind if my response “no I can’t have them” leads to tongue tied embarrassment ending in my reassuring them it’s ok

if you genuinely can’t deal with anything beyond “oh yes I have 2” or similar then don’t ask

It's just small talk. I ask it of men and women.

I never ask it. Ever.If people have any, it usually comes up later in conversation.

I also don't like talking about my children. It's dull conversation.

I never ask. It's inappropriate especially if that woman is struggling to concieve.

I think if you are talking about your children then it’s kind of the next natural step in the conversation. The big thing is what to do when they say they don’t.

Do: move the conversation on to something else.
Don’t: ask why not.

I don't ask it. It's so easy not to. If I'm chatting with people and want to find out about them I ask an open question. Then they can fill in any details they wish.
I don't think any of my adult kids want kids themselves and I know my daughters get annoyed when they are asked. One said that whilst she finds it a bit annoying to be asked it's the fact that people don't seem to accept her answer when she tells them she doesn't want any.

I never ask them.