To think that asking people if they have kids is an innocent question

[SiberFox]

Two of my best friends are childless not by choice and finding it hard, and I’m learning to navigate that as a friend with a baby. Blogs, podcasts and forums for the childless have been really helpful for me to better understand how they might be feeling/what not to say etc, as well as my personal experience of recurrent miscarriage. I am on board with most advice I’ve seen so far.

However, something that I’ve seen frequently on there is the condemnation of the “do you have children?” question - it keeps bugging me. I understand where it comes from - when you’re grieving, it must be triggering, uncomfortable, painful to be reminded of that/to try and find an adequate answer. But the conclusion that it should therefore be banned as a “lazy”, “insensitive”, “triggering” question just seems like an overreaction? It’s not like asking a stranger how many kids they’ve got which would be stupid and insensitive as an assumption, it’s just establishing a basic fact about the person. I’ve seen many people say that it’s completely not interesting/irrelevant as you get to know the person, but how is it irrelevant? It’s literally one of the major things to know about someone.

I’m finding the “Where do you come from” question uncomfortable at the moment because my country is screwing up politically on the global arena but it doesn’t make me think that we should ban the question. Anything can be triggering - asking about someone’s line of work (what if they’re unemployed), etc etc, where do we draw the line?

AIBU that there is nothing wrong with the question per se? Or am I lacking empathy here?

I am child free by choice and whilst I’m not offended by the question I do roll my eyes at people thinking it’s ’one of the major things to know’ - women are so much more than mothers. My ‘absolutely not, I couldn’t think of much worse’ tends to surprise people and I think that’s more of a problem, the assumption that we should all want to be mothers.

A left-field answer is usually handy for the pushy types. "The child I have will be the next King of France or I'm not having it" worked well for this.

I never ask do you have children or would you like children. None of my business. If someone wants me to know they’ll say something.

I never ask people.

I operate under the assumption that if people want me to have their personal information, they will tell me their personal information so I don't ask any personal questions.

I assume that if I answered that question with "I have a son who isn't alive" it would make the person asking the question feel embarrassed and awkward so I save them the embarrassment and say "no, I don't have children" and then feel immediately guilty. So I say unless you're prepared for that sort of answer you shouldn't really ask the question.

Far better to ask "how has your week been?" or "what keeps you busy outside of work?" which gives someone with children the opportunity to talk about them if that's what they want.

I’m finding the “Where do you come from” question uncomfortable at the moment because my country is screwing up politically on the global arena

There's your answer. Certain questions can make people uncomfortable.

I never ask strangers if they have children - it's not my business.

I avoid asking this question simply because if they say "No" it's an awkward moment. A "Yes" invites further questions and a nice conversation about that. A "no".... well, it's hard to know what to say after that. "That's great!" "Oh!" "Do you have pets?" It's just...awkward.

I think people go overboard in asking personal questions. The cost of living is a great topic.

It never occurs to me to ask anyone - acquaintances or strangers - if they have children. It's not even the possible distress, it's simply not on my radar. I'd much, much rather talk about pets or other interests.

I don't mind being asked the question because I understand it's a perfectly common form of polite conversation, and I think it's decent to show an interest in other people, but actually talking about children is something I have no interest in doing, so I usually answer with "No, because I can't stand children and dread the thought of being a parent, so I was always extremely careful not to let it happen", and that tends to end that topic of conversation right there and then.

I have no issue whatsoever with being asked honest questions, provided the people asking them can accept an honest answer.

I don't mind being asked as part of general chit chat when first meeting someone at something like a party or event. Part of the at process is trying to find common ground but I do mind the most frequent response I get to saying 'no'.

The asker looks totally baffled as to what to say next and looks around desperately trying to get away from me as they clearly have no other conversation topics or find child free people as some kind of freakish outlier.

I've even had someone say 'oh well each to their own' and then start talking about how they couldn't be without their children and another person say 'oh....errr right' and then just turn and start talking to someone else!

No I don’t ask.
I tend to let the person tell me what they want me to know.
I don’t want to upset anyone and quite frankly, the conversation will evolve over time for them to tell me.
Why ask a stranger? I don’t get it.
I think there are safer topics. Once you know someone you will find out organically. For example I know out of my work colleagues who has children because they talk about them. I also know who has grandchildren because they talk about them too.
I also know who is married/partnered up because they talk about their oh.

I think the difference is when we ask if someone is married, where they live, their job we aren’t referencing their body and health in such a direct way if at all.

Asking about children should probably be left until you are on friendly terms with someone. Chances are by then the information will have been volunteered

Also, if you ask if someone is married and they want to talk about children they will often add “and we have x kids”

This is just misunderstanding that others have different sensitivities. It's odd to see how many are so clueless as to believe that their childlessness is the only possible source of discomfort, while blithely unaware of all the minor upsets they equally cause.

• when someone isn't working, asking about their job can be upsetting
• when someone is struggling for money, asking about holidays and new cars can trigger insecurities
• when someone is getting divorced, asking about marriage is insensitive
• when someone's dad died recently, asking about father's day plans can cause distress
• when someone has just been diagnosed with an illness, asking if they are well because they look tired is hugely intrusive
• asking how children are getting on at school when they are struggling can be disturbing
• asking where someone is from can feel like a suggestion they don't belong
• asking about work when someone just got sacked will cause upset Etc etc etc, including "do you have kids?"

All small talk can aggravate if someone is inclined to be sensitive. And yet we talk, to make connections and enhance our lives. The issue is those who can't immediately sense that asking about kids caused an issue and jump to the next topic with ease and those judge that their own sensitivity is other people's problem.

I think it's a fairly normal question tbh, a bit like where do you work, where do you live, are you married? I'd find it intrusive if someone asked me WHY I didn't have children.

But those questions weren’t what the thread title asked.

when someone isn't working, asking about their job can be upsetting...

Sure, but not exactly in the same league as asking someone whose child died about their parental status.

I wouldn’t be asking people if they are married either. That kind of information will come up organically if you become friends.

People who are reading and saying I wouldn’t be bothered are missing the point that others might be bothered and why cause unnecessary pain?

No, but if you can't ask any of these, then you basically can't talk to anyone new.

I think we're all becoming too un-resilient when a simple chit-chat question makes us so upset. Much better to learn how to deal with these questions than expect the entire population to tiptoe around you, given they have no way of knowing which of the many triggering issues might apply to you at any given moment.

I was very unhappily single for a number of years in my mid-late twenties and literally always got asked if I had a boyfriend. Pretty much every person I met asked me! For a while it was horrible as I had just been dumped by the person I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with, and it had made me temporarily homeless as I'd also been living at his house. But as an adult, I understood it was the situation I was in that was upsetting, not the question (which never had any ill intent).

Also it wasn't exactly difficult to move the conversation on to something I would rather talk about. If you just say "no" and nothing further, or "No, I've actually just been dumped and spend every night crying myself to sleep" then it's you that is making the conversation awkward, not the person asking the questions! Instead it's not hard to say: "not at the moment. I'm actually crazy busy marathon training, can't believe how much time it's taking up!" Which would then lead to lots of questions about running, which I was happy to talk about.

Same if someone asks the kids question. "Do you have any kids?" "No, but I've got 3 nieces. It was actually the little one's birthday on Saturday, she just turned 3. So sweet to see how excited she was! Do you have kids?" Then the whole conversation just moves on, unless you're speaking to someone who is intentionally spiteful, in which case they'll make you feel bad no matter what the topic!

It was similar to when people asked "what are your plans after university?" I had no bloody clue, was stressing about it, and then felt so much pressure to give a proper answer. It always left me feeling panicky and stressed afterwards. But again, saying "None" and nothing else would have been weird and rude! I realised it was the situation I was in that made me feel that way, not a completely normal question I was being asked. It wasn't hard to say "Actually I'm not sure yet, still exploring my options. What was your first job after uni?" even though I was panicking inside!

Over a (hopefully) long life there will unfortunately be many topics that trigger you at different points. Better to have an easy ready answer up your sleeve to move things on than to avoid small talk with strangers forever...

It’s down to pure selfishness and lack of empathy & imagination that they’re insisting on asking something which has significant potential to be so hurtful.

re. The other small talk questions, asking someone who is for example unemployed about a job or someone about their kids who are struggling at school or about holidays if they’re tight for money that year ( usually all very temporary situations) is highly unlikely to create the same level of distress as someone
Who is infertile (potentially permanent) /past the age of reproducing.

Let’s be serious here, “ I can't have a holiday this year” is not the same as “can’t have kids ever when all I’ve wanted to be is a mum/dad and I’ve lost 3 pregnancies over the last decade ”. Not comparable at all.

And generally the best way is to ask more open questions anyway. I tend not to ask people what they do for a living until they ask me tbh or if they mention about example - their office. Or if they have kids I’ll keep it simple and say “how are they doing” and leave it for them to be more specific.

We know from discussion time and time again that this question in particular is often the most likely to be seriously triggering for women anyway.

So yes other questions may be uncomfortable for a variety of reasons but not to the same extent, so why not at least steer clear of this one question when we know the impact it has on so many women?

Let’s be serious here, “ I can't have a holiday this year” is not the same as “can’t have kids ever when all I’ve wanted to be is a mum/dad and I’ve lost 3 pregnancies over the last decade ”. Not comparable at all.
This is so clearly demonstrating your lack of understanding. Asking about holidays when someone is defaulting on the rent and terrified they can't buy their kid some new shoes when the current ones have a flappy sole... you have really just no idea the pain it cam cause. Thankfully not my situation, but an old neighbour sobbed on me once about this, so it isn't something I've forgotten.

Stop thinking your problem is the only one in the world, start realising anyone might have a range of challenges at any time and treat them with compassion accordingly.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that questions. People get too offended over anything now though.

I think it is an innocent question, as is "is this your first?" At a baby group.
"Any plans for Father's Day?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"Any plans for the weekend?"
"Are you going on holiday this year"
"All set for Christmas?"

All innocent questions which can be devastating to the recipient.

I think with fertility there is an expectation that everyone avoids the topic as it's so hurtful when actually there are so many other topics which could be so hurtful for others and actually we just all need to take a breath and try to apprehend the intention and not the impact.

Infertility can be devastating but so can bereavement, long term unemployment due to circumstances out of your control, divorce / separation, poverty and loneliness.

It's easy to get offended when you are looking for it