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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a relationship with dh's dd

218 replies

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 09:53

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

OP posts:
MarmitePizza · 27/06/2024 09:57

She sounds like an absolute arse, obviously, but aI would just go to the wedding to support your DH. You don’t have to enjoy it.

Maryamlouise · 27/06/2024 09:57

She sounds awful. I think I would go to the wedding though as it is so important to your DH but I would be very concerned about finances and not want my finances linked to his.

Comedycook · 27/06/2024 09:59

You don't have to be particularly friendly with her but I do think you should attend the wedding and be civil.

JurassicClark · 27/06/2024 09:59

Decide what matters most - making your point or supporting your husband.

Yes, she’s awful and yes, in normal circumstances I agree you should avoid her like the plague.

However, if it means so much to your husband, whom you love and value, then personally I’d just be polite and attend the wedding. His child is getting married, which is understandably a big deal to him. It’s a day out of your life; you don’t need to like or forgive her, you just need to be civil.

(of course, she might not even invite you, if she’s as ghastly as she sounds)

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/06/2024 10:00

She sounds horrible and I can totally understand your feelings but I think you have to swallow this and go to the wedding.

You would be creating an intolerable rift for your DH if you don’t.

I think thereafter you can create an appropriate distance and just keep up appearances but not going to a wedding is a big symbolic fuck you which it’s hard to row back from.

Its shit but I think you have to hold your nose and get on with it.

Workawayxx · 27/06/2024 10:01

I’d go to the wedding to support your DH and just be polite but minimise contact with her and let your dh know you need to do this and expect his support in exchange for your support around the wedding. Does he have enough money for all this financial support or is it impacting household finances?

merriadock · 27/06/2024 10:01

I assume all the money he is giving her is HIS money and not joint?

What is the relationship between you and his other daughters? Plus, what is the relationship between the sisters like?

It sounds like she is a bit of a money-grabber and she doesn’t really want a relationship - just a bank.

Go to the wedding to support your DH but limit contact between you and her.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/06/2024 10:02

I would start separating your finances. Before your joint account is empty. Weddings aren't cheap. And no I def wouldn't be going.

Purpleday1 · 27/06/2024 10:07

I would start separating your finances, this situation is NOT going to change.

Heronwatcher · 27/06/2024 10:07

I think you sound like you’re over invested here but it’s difficult to tell. She’s his daughter, it’s their relationship. For him maybe paying her is a price he’s prepared to pay because he can possibly see that your kids with him have had a happier life and he feels guilty? Or maybe he just wants to keep the peace. Unless it’s your money which he’s giving to her or you’re absolutely skint and his other children are suffering that’s his decision to make. I’d be thinking about why you are blaming her so much for this when it sounds like your DH has actively encouraged this behaviour.

Incidentally I see this in a couple of my friends who have had a troubled relationship with their dads- they are still getting handouts in their 40s! They agree it’s ridiculous but to them both on some level money = love. They’re not bad people.

A wedding is a big deal and you don’t KNOW that she wouldn’t have invited him, he is her dad. I think in your position I would avoid making the issue about me and go to the wedding, hold my tongue and then leave them to it unless it directly affects you. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like the bad guy and she’ll have another issue to fleece him about!

candycane222 · 27/06/2024 10:08

Well not sure I have advice. But this is the man you married, the one with these daughters. Who knows why they are like they are, and what part he played in their upbringing to contribute - you can never really know as this was playing out for all the years he's been their dad.

And now you are where you are, you married him. This is who he is and it doesn't seem remotely reasonable to expect him to cut his daughter (s) off. Anyway, presumably he won't.

You can try explaining to him (again) how you feel and what your terms for the marriage are (ie being with him but no contact between you and daughter). But he seems to have set his terms out and they aren't compatible with yours.

So you can go on arguing your case and hope he changes his terms while he hopes you change yours, but there may come a point (and sounds like you are almost there) where neither of you is prepared to compromise your idea of your marriage. Both of you are entitled to draw a line in the sand, but both of you have to accept that if you can't agree what and how the marriage is, then its either a lifetime of arguing, or the marriage is over (and these amount to the same thing for most of us)

Vladthecat · 27/06/2024 10:09

She sounds obnoxious.

You could go to the wedding and leave early. You could get a migraine.

Keep your finances separate.

DH is deluding himself. It just isn’t one big,happy family, is it ?

Tagyoureit · 27/06/2024 10:11

She had a spreadsheet of what was spent on her and her sisters? Is this her step sisters as in your kids or her actual sisters?
Either way, it's pretty cunty and screams of selfish, narcissisism!
It's quite shocking how blind your DH seems to be towards her behaviour which would worry me over future plans and finances etc.

I think you're going to have to suck it up and attend the wedding purely for your DH though.

candycane222 · 27/06/2024 10:18

She does sound obnoxious. But she is still the DH daughter and the man with this obnoxious daughter who is willing to buy his way into this young woman's life in return for contact, is the man she is married to. He really seems unlikely to change and it's his prerogative not to, and to choose his daughter over his wife, if those are her terms. He gets to find out the consequences of that, but I can't imagine it would change his mind and result in a happy marriage.

Seashor · 27/06/2024 10:23

I’d love to hear her side of the story.

DaniMontyRae · 27/06/2024 10:23

She sounds obnoxious and grasping. But if your husband is honest with himself, did he spend a lot more on his other children? Because that kind of preferential treatment does build massive resentment. If he has treated them equally then she's just greedy and self-serving. This won't change as long as your husband continues to pander to her.

FuzzyStripes · 27/06/2024 10:25

You don’t need to like her but if you want to keep your marriage, you need to be civil and accept that there will be times you will need to politely interact with you. Ultimately, it’s not about whether you want a relationship with DSD but whether you want a relationship with your DH.

Cyclebabble · 27/06/2024 10:40

This is very difficult. I have come across people like his daughter and they are highly manipulative. You can see this DH cannot. To keep your marriage intact you have to have some but limited relationship with his daughter, so I do not think you can not go to the wedding. However keep the conversations very short and do not engage. It is after all only one day. If she is only interested in money the plus side is she will disappear for long stretches reappearing periodically to ask for cash. Be prepared to pick up the pieces when the next piece of manipulation is underway. Be very careful around what she will insist on wills/inheritance. If she is greedy now she will be more greedy if your DH passes. Make sure there is a will and make sure it does not completely shaft you.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 10:41

The spreadsheet was regarding her sisters not my kids. Thank you all so much for your comments and I will take your advice and go. It's dh's money not mine so that isn't an issue. He has been incredibly generous to my kids too which they are grateful and appreciative, and I suspect that has been part of the problem with his dd. She only wants his money spent on her.

OP posts:
Octaviaaa · 27/06/2024 10:42

Are her sisters the kids you and him have together? It doesn't excuse her behaviour but perhaps she is feeling resentful if she perceives his "new" children with another woman to be receiving more. If you don't go to the wedding you will cause irreparable damage

Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 10:42

Go to the wedding, smile and say nothing. You're doing this for DH not for her

wizzywig · 27/06/2024 10:45

You might aswell go to the wedding. Your husband's likely paying for it

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 10:46

Seashor · 27/06/2024 10:23

I’d love to hear her side of the story.

Yes I'd love to hear her side of the story too. But dh won't ask her as far as he's concerned she's happy now and that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 10:46

DaniMontyRae · 27/06/2024 10:23

She sounds obnoxious and grasping. But if your husband is honest with himself, did he spend a lot more on his other children? Because that kind of preferential treatment does build massive resentment. If he has treated them equally then she's just greedy and self-serving. This won't change as long as your husband continues to pander to her.

He certainly did not spend more on the others.. quite the reverse.

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 27/06/2024 10:50

YANBU to be annoyed at her using your DH and ignoring him when he had cancer.

She sounds awful.

I wouldn't let her ruin your marriage though.