To not want a relationship with dh's dd

[ohthejoys21]

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

You said your DH has just gotten over cancer? Mine also. An "event" in ones life like surviving cancer can really make someone re-evaluate their lives. Perhaps that is what made him decide to wipe the slate clean and move on.

She sounds insufferable but I think you have to support your DH.

She will shit all over him again. Just bide your time and be there for him when she does.

As for inheritance they're all being treated the same

That may be part of her issue.

This doesn't always happen with blended families. It's quite rare, that stepkids get equal, especially when their parent is not a financial contributor, nor raising joint children.

She's probably trying to get as much as she can from him while she can because the future can be uncertain in these situations.

Why? Why should the DD feel resentful? Did her DF cheat on her DM? Nope. Did DD ever cook for her DF? No chance. Did DD clean and do her DF's wash, ever? Not a chance in hell. Did DD come and take care of her DF or assist in ANY way when her DF went through cancer? sigh Yet another "NO".
Did DD, ever, in any way, shape or form make it possible for her DF to go to work, knowing things at home were taken care of, so he could focus on his career? Oh, hell no! Seems like his DD should be grateful that someone has been there for her father; since it seems beyond her capabilities to even behave decently.

But some MNers, in their small, bigoted minds, think the DD has a RIGHT to be resentful because her DF, after being cheated upon, found someone who loves him, cares for him and his home and has been there in sickness and health. A person who has made his life BETTER; something the SEBDD has yet to do.

I just don't understand the nasty, jealous, greedy MN posters who belittle a 2nd wife for having rights with the love of a man who loves and wishes to take care of his wife and her children, as they have loved and cared for him for YEARS. All the while his twit daughter ran her calculator, schemed, pouted and resented that it wasn't all hers. I will have to assume they are the birth mothers of the entitled, selfish, sociopathic little twit princesses who think they deserve everything for nothing.

Children are not entitled to inherit from their parents, nor treat their parents as walking, talking ATMS.. I wonder what some of the MNers think when children have to share inheritances with charities, friends and extended family of the deceased parent? Must suck for them.

So, she's greedy, selfish, self-centered, uncaring, unloving and a total brat. Got it.

Sounds like his step-children have been better children (in every way) to the OPs DH than this "DD".

Thank you Nanaof1, if I had to guess, his dd is of the mindset that she's his biological child so she can behave as she likes as she's entitled to. She knows any threat to cut him off will be taken seriously as she's done it before. So for example, she can be as rude as she likes to me.. where should dh's loyalty lie? I can now see why so many second marriages fail.

What job does he do to earn so much money for everyone?

The fuck is wrong with you? 😬

I've already given enough info to be outed. He's worked hard for it and gives a large chunk of it to charity. He's just an exceptionally kind person.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

DD sounds awful, and source of real pain and guilt for him. Why make it worse by being forceful about your views on her and desire for her to know what you think of her. Imagine the stress and anxiety that must cause your poor DH. Rightly or wrongly, he is trying to hold DD close, and is fearful if losing her; and your behaviour/actions undermine that and place stress on him and distance in your own relationship.

You've got to let it go. You might be right that DD is manipulative and cruel, but you're just exacerbating the pain that causes your DH.

If he can afford it, while it might not sit well, you should just tolerate her and be there for him when it goes wrong again.

Should have said, it's difficult because you may feel that it's right to be honest about your feelings, and that DD should be held to account. But that's your version of justice. It sounds like it isn't what your DH wants.

And yes I am suggesting that you subordinate your feelings on the issue to those of your DH on this occasion, because contrary to the modern view that we must always self actualise our personal feelings, I think that love and commitment in a marriage sometimes means stepping back for the needs of the other person. But this doesn't mean you can't say to him privately that you worry DD is using him for money. But avoid public and contentious lines in the sand like refusing to go to events to display your displeasure to all.

I'm listening to you and you're probably right.. I'm going to do my best. I can't change my view/feelings for her after how she made him suffer for so long, and I have a sense of fairness that doesn't always serve me well, but I'm going to bite my tongue. Thanks for your advice.

I’d be worried what happens when he retires? Or if there’s further serious illness? If she keeps bleeding him dry, will he have enough to cover 20-30 years of retirement? What about if he needs to pay for care? Are your retirement funds reliant on his?

I wonder if there is much more to this than you really understand or maybe are willing to see. It’s just that the ‘greedy children demanding money’ narrative is such a popular one in families where there has been a lot of dysfunction and maybe a reluctance to accept responsibility for not always being a great parent.

I’m speaking here purely from my own experience, but my mum’s partner has no relationship with his children because they supposedly cut him off when they weren’t happy about the amount of money he was (not) giving them around the same age.

Actually, as it turned out, the real reason was that he sexually abused one if not both of them. I have all the court records now to know this is what happened, but they still maintain the story about the money.

I’m actually NC with my mum. She tells everyone it’s because I demanded money from her (she also quotes exact amounts to people). The reason we have no relationship is, as you can imagine from the above, nothing to do with money and everything to do with safeguarding my children.

Now I don’t mean to say your Dh has abused anyone or that he is lying, but sometimes people can make accusations about money when they can’t talk about the thing that’s really going on that caused them all so much pain. Families fighting about money is such a well worn narrative that most people will ‘get’ without asking too many questions. I suspect actually this is much deeper and your Dh realises that and he’s doing his best to make amends and be the parent now that maybe he wasn’t in the past. And that’s good for him. I’d support him. He sounds like he loves his children and he’s trying to craft the sort of relationship he wants for the future. Nothing would keep me from my children, not even a partner who claimed to have my best interests in mind.

Mindutopia

I think there are so often sadly valid reasons for cutting off a family member. I too know someone who married a man whose daughters wouldn't speak to him and he was eventually arrested for child trafficking. I completely take your point. However I lived with his dd on and off from when she was very young as dh had joint custody, and I was witness to the immense effort he put into her parenting, taking swathes of time off work to spend with her in her holidays, making her feel valued and loved and generally being an exceptional parent.

Unfortunately I feel this is a case of pure jealousy. If my children were thrown a 'crumb' from dh, she'd resent the crumb. It isn't that she never had his love,attention and money, it's that she resented him giving anything to anyone else.

If we were all planning a fun day out but she had a better offer from a friend, she'd tell dh she didn't want us to enjoy ours.

And I disagree with you. I love my children ferociously, but if one of them knowingly inflicted pain on me for such a long time purely for financial gain and knew I had cancer and wasn't arsed- you know what? I'd have no interest in a relationship with them either.

OP his DD sounds like a right mate but I would go for your husband's sake. Especially as he's had cancer.

She sounds like an absolute cow! Go to the wedding and tell the other guests at the reception what she's done, see what their opinion is ....

Even I wouldn't do that!

It was caught and dealt with immediately so not relevant but yes I'll go.. she's not worth losing my dh for.

Make sure you have separste bank accounts so it is his money and not yours being spent.

It's all his he can spend what he wants.. it's more her cruelty that's my problem.

I am so glad it was caught quickly and dealt with immediately.
I am hoping that we get the same result with my DH, and so far, it does look like we will. Just have to wait for more tests and time.....

Edited to add: I am glad that you will go to the wedding. Being there for your DH, and picking up the pieces when his DD inevitably breaks his heart again, is more important than making this point by not attending. Bravo to you!