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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want a relationship with dh's dd

218 replies

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 09:53

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 21:53

LaughingCat · 27/06/2024 21:46

Oh god, OP, this is a horrible situation, especially given how happy your DH sounds while you know what’s coming - just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She sounds a nightmare, you sound perfectly sensible and lovely - sip the champers and plaster on that smile during the father of the bride speech, and it will be over reasonably quickly.

Knowing this won’t ever be over must be so wearing, though.

I hadn't even thought about the father of bride speech yet.. thanks for reminding meGrin

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 27/06/2024 22:12

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 21:18

What's this got to do with his daughter's attitude? Or is it just you being nosy.

Show quote history

I'm just saying, sounds like you're happy enough pocketing his cash and reaping the rewards for you & yours. Bet you won't leave him over this, the money is too good to leave 😂

justasking111 · 27/06/2024 22:29

I know two sisters like this. The older one got married first, the younger one demanded to know exactly how much money dad had paid for the wedding and demanded the same. That's just one example. She was jealous of nieces and nephews if money was spent on them. It was all quite twisted.

Be civil but cool for your husband's sake.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 22:37

Mistyster99

So nosy and green-eyed too. Nice combo.

OP posts:
Mistystar99 · 27/06/2024 22:42

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 22:37

Mistyster99

So nosy and green-eyed too. Nice combo.

No answers though. Are you the newish wife with kids in tow, busy using all his cash and occupied with trying to rubbish his daughter?

Pussycat22 · 27/06/2024 23:00

I don't think I'd want to stay in this marriage, the money grabbing isn't over by a long chalk. If you stay, watch and wait. The first time he refuses her anything she will ghost him again. I'm sorry but I would be so resentful. Good luck.

Palsywalsy · 27/06/2024 23:07

When I saw the headline of this thread, I thought you were a bit nasty tbh, but reading your post I feel for you. It’s hard to imagine your dh being taken by such a money obsessed child. He deserves better. I don’t think you can forewarn him unfortunately, you need to keep your finances separate and help him pick up the pieces. He’s being taken advantage off, but it’s his child, so he’s not going to see that unfortunately. Show face, be nice, but be careful.

mistymirror · 27/06/2024 23:17

Personally I think there must have been a reason she cut him off and it sounds like that might have something to do with her feeling that he favoured his other children over her?
It's his money and his daughter and his decision and I think if you love him you will put your feelings about her to one side and accept her.
I have a feeling her version of events might be quite different to yours.

knockyknees · 27/06/2024 23:21

The only reason she's back in contact now is she wants him to pay for her wedding. No doubt she'll cut him off again after the wedding.

If she has kids in the future, they'll be used as weapons in a 'pay per view' scenario.

I wouldn't attend the wedding under any circumstances.

taylorswift1989 · 27/06/2024 23:31

I can't understand pp saying don't attend the wedding. Your DH says it's a dealbreaker for your marriage. You say you want to support your husband. So the choice is clear: go to the wedding or get divorced. I fail to see how the latter choice is supporting your husband in any way.

Livelovebehappy · 27/06/2024 23:35

Are you sure you’re even invited to the wedding? It’s not a given. Lots of posts on MN where the stepparent isn’t invited, especially if she doesn’t have a relationship with you. So the decision might be taken out of your hands.

ChipsCheeseAndGravey · 27/06/2024 23:49

My sister and I have a big age gap. This means we had vastly different experiences growing up, especially of my dad. My dad spent much more time with my older siblings but they got less material things. By the time I was born, this changed and I had way more stuff, but didn’t see him much. My sister sounds a bit like your step daughter, and my dad still gives her hand outs because she will guilt trip him. Your husband probably won’t change so I think you might just have to accept it. Two siblings can have totally different experiences of the same parents. Maybe there was some financial favouritism, we don’t know her side of the story, but your husband will probably keep handing out the cash for the rest of his life because on some level he feels bad.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2024 23:54

I can't imagine my husband telling me to come to the wedding or we're done. It would make me feel rather disposable and and a very clear message, that despite these alleged terrible behaviours by his daughter, I'll be dropped like a hot brick of i didn't comply.

I get that he wants you there and I'd be said something like I know DD has been difficult, but I really want you there to support me I'd be more likely to go along with that and attend.

The way it was said, shows who holds the power in this relationship. This is where £££ talks.

I read a number of posts like this from SMs and I struggle to understand how the dads seem unable to assert themselves, with these adult children and their financial demands, if they're really as bad as this.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/06/2024 00:13

Although it's difficult I think you have to simply support your DH. Don't point out that she's only around for what he gives her - he must know this and wish things were different. She sounds vile but she is his daughter.

justasking111 · 28/06/2024 00:18

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/06/2024 00:13

Although it's difficult I think you have to simply support your DH. Don't point out that she's only around for what he gives her - he must know this and wish things were different. She sounds vile but she is his daughter.

I feel sorry for the siblings of this greedy young woman, she's going to milk him until the well runs dry.

CrispieCake · 28/06/2024 00:33

YANBU, OP, and in your situation I'd struggle to go with a good grace, but I'd try to do it for my husband.

I do have some (scant) sympathy for his DD as it does strike me that a frequent, unintended consequence of family breakdown is that the NRP's (and I'm assuming your DH was the NRP) relationship with the kids becomes somewhat scheduled and transactional. CM provided at this level, EOW scheduled at these times, holidays split in this way. It's hard to maintain what should be a balanced, loving, reciprocal, constant, accepting relationship with good boundaries if actually you have quite limited time with your DC. The temptation is always not to rock the boat, to make it positive, to treat them and give them what they want - since there is so little time, it all has to be 'quality'. Whereas an 'outstanding' parent is one who isn't afraid to rock the boat when necessary and tell a few home truths when required. It sounds like the DD was used to her father over-compensating when she was growing up and that she hasn't moved on in adulthood from associating him giving her stuff with his love for her. Which if true is not a happy situation for either of them.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 28/06/2024 00:36

Seashor · 27/06/2024 10:23

I’d love to hear her side of the story.

Which if course will be the unvarnished truth. Typical MN . Sometimes younger people are c*nts, sometimes the older person is not actually at fault. Shocking, I know.

SheerLucks · 28/06/2024 00:55

JurassicClark · 27/06/2024 09:59

Decide what matters most - making your point or supporting your husband.

Yes, she’s awful and yes, in normal circumstances I agree you should avoid her like the plague.

However, if it means so much to your husband, whom you love and value, then personally I’d just be polite and attend the wedding. His child is getting married, which is understandably a big deal to him. It’s a day out of your life; you don’t need to like or forgive her, you just need to be civil.

(of course, she might not even invite you, if she’s as ghastly as she sounds)

I agree with this. She sounds ghastly, but it's just one day. Show up (if you have to) and just be charming.

Then just get on with your lives.

Japanesejazz · 28/06/2024 01:22

Never date a man with children

EnglishBluebell · 28/06/2024 01:56

@ohthejoys21 It's none of your business what he spends on/gives his DD

Tiswa · 28/06/2024 02:09

Your husband is asking you to respect his choice and it’s a dealbreaker for him so you work out if not going is worth your marriage

sre her sisters your DH or yours

Italiangreyhound · 28/06/2024 02:43

The daughter sounds awful and totally get why you hate to see your dh being treated like this. Go to the wedding and have a good time. Your dh will have to deal with this until the day he decides to stop.

Italiangreyhound · 28/06/2024 02:44

PS a few nasty comments on here, so sad. Good luck OP.

DarkDarkNight · 28/06/2024 02:48

It sounds like she’s came back to get money for the wedding to me. I would grit my teeth and go to the wedding but I wouldn’t let my guard down. She’s just after money it will only be a matter of time before she cuts him off again. It’s sad for your husband but she knows what she can get away with.

BruFord · 28/06/2024 02:54

DarkDarkNight · 28/06/2024 02:48

It sounds like she’s came back to get money for the wedding to me. I would grit my teeth and go to the wedding but I wouldn’t let my guard down. She’s just after money it will only be a matter of time before she cuts him off again. It’s sad for your husband but she knows what she can get away with.

@DarkDarkNight Sadly I agree with you. She wants her wedding paid for but she’ll lose interest in Dad again until the next set of bills need paying.

Grit your teeth and go to support your DH. You know she’s going to hurt him again in the future so just be there for him.