To not want a relationship with dh's dd

[ohthejoys21]

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

He has been incredibly generous to my kids too which they are grateful and appreciative, and I suspect that has been part of the problem with his dd. She only wants his money spent on her

There's a lot missing here, I think. How long have you been together and is your ex still in the picture? I can see how being 'incredibly generous' with children who are not his responsibility may grate on a biological child, particularly one who has struggled with the break up, or who perhaps hasn't had as much of her dad's time as she would have liked. I think as adults with children and the limits of incomes you learn that treating everyone fairly doesn't necessarily mean spending the exact same amount on everyone but if you're the one getting less than everyone else, again it's not hard to see where the resentment might come from.

Of course, she's old enough to know better and it's crass demanding money all the time and no, you don't have to have a relationship with her any more than she has to have one with you. Will you even be invited to the wedding?

I don't think not going to the wedding will achieve anything.

Notbelieved

I have wanted to give more detail but would probably be outed if I did. My children's dad has been less than useless and not supported them in any way whilst growing up, hardly even seeing them. Dh and I got together when they were all fairly young. Hiss dd has always struggled with jealousy, complaining once when my dd got a drink of water on a day out. Dh's other two girls never felt like this. Nothing dh or I could do made any difference, she was certainly given the same as the others in both money and dh's time.

My dh's cancer diagnosis was years ago, luckily was caught early and isn't an issue now.

Some really good advice here. It doesn't end with the wedding, she'll have children who will be dh's grandchildren and there's a lot of potential for her there in leverage with dh. Sounds awful writing that but judging from her behaviour it's accurate.

There’s no win/ win situation here .

You need to decide what’s more important- your marriage and family life with your husband, or a 1 day rejection of someone who couldn’t give a shit about you followed by the total implosion of your family.

I don’t take kindly to people throwing ultimatums around. But this is his daughter, and it seems like the ultimatum is not you vs his daughter, it’s whether you trust your husband to make his own parenting decisions regarding his children.

If your marriage is happy, support your husband. If you’re invited to the wedding, be there for him. If you’re not invited, then you’ve got what you wanted.

It sounds like this woman has behaved horribly to her father. It’s not going to get any better if she destroys the family for the sake of a day.

Whilst he was cut off he continued paying her bills and giving her money. She complained after that there were a couple of things dh bought her sisters that she didn't get, but that would have involved speaking to dh. Dh bought her the items as soon as they reconciled. I'm 100% sure there's nothing dh isn't telling me.

It's none of your business, though. It's up to them how they negotiate their relationship. Maybe things will change over the years - that's normal. Maybe when she's a mum, she'll look back at her previous behaviour and see it in a different light. Maybe the fact that he's stuck by her when she's been less than great will bring them massively closer in the future. Or maybe she'll become so awful that your DH will cut her out.

It's nothing to do with you. Just be supportive to your husband, support him having a relationship with his daughter, and try to find something to like about her, since she's probably going to be in your life for a while.

And if you really can't do that, end the marriage.

I think you have to support your DH. Whatever she has done, she is still DH's DD and he wants her as part of his life and if you want to be with him, part of your life too.

Mistystar99

"No answers though. Are you the newish wife with kids in tow, busy using all his cash and occupied with trying to rubbish his daughter?"

Mistystar does trolling posts give you pleasure? Thank you for adding entertainment value to the thread

I would ltb and get some of the joint money while there is still some left.. Dh is only interested in preserving 1 relationship here and it isn't with you.

A bit extreme.. he wants to preserve his relationship with everyone in his family, including me.

Given that you're his second family and his DD is so financially demanding, I really hope you've both taken some independent legal advice about inheritance planning.

If your DH predeceases you, it seems likely that his DD will try to obtain as much inheritance as possible. If she challenges his will, it could cost you a fortune in legal fees.

She wouldn't be able to challenge her dad's will because all our combined children would get a lump sum of life insurance on dh's (gd forbid) passing so she couldn't claim she hadn't been provided for. Also she would have no other money for legal fees.

Does he pay for you all of the things he funds dd for or does he expect you to pay your way?

He supports his whole wider family financially, it's an unusual situation. I do voluntary work which I hope is worthwhile.

Honestly, suck it up if you love your DH enough. I have adult step kids, adore 1 I look at him the same as our joint children, cant stand the other 2, they actively spent years alongside their mother trying to destroy our relationship. BUT.. at the end of the day they are his kids and of course he wants them in his life. I don't have huge contact with the other 2 ( Neither do they with him - also the mobile bank thing) and I'm often honest with him regarding their behavior however I am not going to lose a marriage over it. If they got married i'd be there with a big smile a fabulous outfit and drink a bucket load of champagne!!

Thank you for sharing this.. when you're honest about them with him, can I ask if he goes on the defensive?

She sounds horrid OP, and I know someone just like her, they're super difficult to deal with, but she is your husband's daughter, and it sounds like he can afford it, so for the sake of his and his daughters relationship you need to leave that bit to him. With regards to the wedding, given everything he has done for you and your children I think you can go to the wedding for him, smile in all the right places, say the right things and then go home at the end of the day knowing you did the right thing.

It is really tough to see someone you love so much being treated this way though.

Mulhollandmagoo

It's tough and makes my blood boil. I wish I was a better actress but everything always shows on my face!

She sounds awful, but IMO you should be polite to her for your husband. It’s his relationship and feelings that really matter here. I’d loath her in your circumstances, but I’d go to the wedding, be polite, but avoid any unnecessary contact with her.

Nothing to do with you. He wants a relationship with her. Thats all that matters

@Mistystar99 Can you BE more jealous and nasty?

Maybe I shouldn't give you a new objective......😆😆😬

Have you told him its not one big happy family regardless of what he wants?

I guess you answered my previous question. 🙄🙄🙄