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Original poster

To not want a relationship with dh's dd

218 replies

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 09:53

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 28/06/2024 02:59

candycane222 · 27/06/2024 10:08

Well not sure I have advice. But this is the man you married, the one with these daughters. Who knows why they are like they are, and what part he played in their upbringing to contribute - you can never really know as this was playing out for all the years he's been their dad.

And now you are where you are, you married him. This is who he is and it doesn't seem remotely reasonable to expect him to cut his daughter (s) off. Anyway, presumably he won't.

You can try explaining to him (again) how you feel and what your terms for the marriage are (ie being with him but no contact between you and daughter). But he seems to have set his terms out and they aren't compatible with yours.

So you can go on arguing your case and hope he changes his terms while he hopes you change yours, but there may come a point (and sounds like you are almost there) where neither of you is prepared to compromise your idea of your marriage. Both of you are entitled to draw a line in the sand, but both of you have to accept that if you can't agree what and how the marriage is, then its either a lifetime of arguing, or the marriage is over (and these amount to the same thing for most of us)

This in spades. She’s. His daughter. You may not like it but that’s the line in the sand hens drawn, and while his daughter sounds like a dickhead (from your perspective) he wants a relationship with her at all maybe literal costs. And if you don’t want one with her he won’t do that.

if your child stopped doing whatever you thought was the social contract for you and them you’d just simply cut them off?

Surprisedmystified · 28/06/2024 03:05

cheddercherry · 27/06/2024 12:55

To be honest it would be a dealbreaker for me because these kind of people won’t change suddenly and she clearly is adept at manipulating your husband without so much as an inkling of challenge for what seems extreme behaviour. Whether warranted by family trauma, or not, it needs addressing not glossing over.

I suspect you’ve got many more years of witnessing upset and demands for money and it’s no way to live. He could suggest therapy to actually mend their relationship and get to what’s causing this behaviour but simply throwing cash at her and never even asking a question as to why is simply ridiculous. I suspect she’ll one day refuse him access to grandchildren too and if it’s as clear cut as you’ve written it and she’s simply vanished for two years then demanded cash, then no, in your shoes I couldn’t bite my tongue and swallow that behaviour for possibly the next 30/40 years.

Edited

I agree with this.
I couldn't stand by and watch this scenario play out for years and years. It would be too painful, too annoying.
I'm afraid I would have already lost my respect for him pandering to her every whim- that's not good parenting.

And the fact he is happy to divorce you if you don't do what he says I.e. go to a wedding you don't want to go to, shows how little he values you and your autonomy.He expects you to live a lie and play " happy families " ?
I'd rather cut my losses and keep my integrity.

Moonshine5 · 28/06/2024 03:24

OP your DH has made his priorities clear. If it was me wild horses couldn't drag me to that wedding.
If your marriage breaks up over this - how strong is it anyway and what happens the next time good DD wants something? What happens when he becomes a grandparent? How long will you suck it up? Forever it sounds like

Waffle78 · 28/06/2024 03:39

What a money grabbing spoilt brat. You need to go to the wedding though. More to support your husband than be there to see her get married.

DreamTheMoors · 28/06/2024 04:14

My sister is a bit like your step-daughter — keeps a running tab on who gets how much, when and how.
It’s all a bit exhausting.
My parents loaned me money for a divorce lawyer and I thought my sister was going to have a stroke.
I reminded her that our parents paid for her divorce and that she and her infant daughter lived with them for two years afterwards free of charge, “while she got on her feet.”
”Well that’s different!!”
sigh
Sometimes you just can’t win, @ohthejoys21.
Keeping the peace is exhausting too.

Vladthecat · 28/06/2024 04:15

a222 · 27/06/2024 15:44

you have no idea about what happened in the past, that may have made her happy to treat him this way.

his daughter will always come before you, you seem jealous.

so childish to say you aren’t going to the wedding also.

OP doesn’t sound jealous in the slightest!

You sound very bitter. Are you the spoilt brat daughter by any chance ?

It doesn’t matter what the background is. OP can’t assume that her dh is guilty of something in the past. It’s more likely the dd unfortunate personality.

I’d go to the wedding for your dh sake, OP. It’s only a day in the grand scheme of things.
If he wants to pay her from his money that’s ok but if it was impacting family life or finances I’d be asking questions.

Is he paying her so much it’s reducing his pension contributions for example ? Will it affect you life with him in future ?

Crokepark · 28/06/2024 04:28

She's his child. Of course he will forgive her no matter what. Just like you would do with your child. You really have to go to the wedding. It would look terrible if you don't. She's in your life whether you like it or not. You chose that when you started dating her dad.

Tlolljs · 28/06/2024 04:44

Trouble is that this doesn’t end here. Your dh will have to put his hand in his pocket for years if he wants to see her or indeed any grandchildren.
Id go to the wedding ( if you’re invited of course)
but it won’t end here.

renomeno · 28/06/2024 05:15

What his relationship with her mother like? I often think women who have affairs 'rewrite' the history of their marriage; they weren't happy, needs not being met etc... maybe she's painted a very different picture to her daughter, hence her behaviour?

Peacefulbeach · 28/06/2024 05:45

Seashor · 27/06/2024 10:23

I’d love to hear her side of the story.

Ah yes exactly 🧐

That aside, OP. You go to the wedding, be civil, smile. Because that’s what we do when we love & care for someone. You are there for DH.

Packingcubesqueen · 28/06/2024 06:43

When she cut him out did he continue to pay her bills and give her money?
Is it possible your husband know more about why she won’t speak to him than he is willing to tell you?

Hewlet · 28/06/2024 06:44

Go to the wedding.

Wear white.

AgentJohnson · 28/06/2024 06:53

Him threatening you doesn’t sit right with me. If he’s ok with his DD treating him like shit that’s his problem but expecting you to go along with the farce to protect his ego, I’d lose respect for him.

Iaskedyouthrice · 28/06/2024 06:58

Mistystar99 · 27/06/2024 22:42

No answers though. Are you the newish wife with kids in tow, busy using all his cash and occupied with trying to rubbish his daughter?

Show quote history

This is why people become trolls online isn't it? Emptiness. The fact that you write shit like this is why you are lonely.
Put the phone down, look up and fix your shit.

Go to the wedding @ohthejoys21 but keep your distance. Do not allow you Husband to call the shots because he earns more. I cant help but feel he is manipulating you a little bit.

OhWhenWillSummerArrive · 28/06/2024 06:58

Sounds like his DD is a chip off her awful mums block.

Support him, but have nothing to do with her. Don’t do any wifey duty (cards, picking presents etc.) for her.

Men can see their family’s flaws, but they don’t like their partners pointing them out. It is the same with in-laws. They don’t like you slagging them off, however justified. You just have to side tilt and smile, then fume in private and vent off the negative energy to friends and MN.

One of the best pieces of advice I have been given on here is “do nothing”. Spend no time on her yourself and let him get on with it.

Viviennemary · 28/06/2024 07:10

I think it's a difficult one. Obviously you are right not to want anything to do with her as her behaviour has been atrocious. I think in your shoes I would attend the wedding for the sake of your DH and then withdraw from her life. And keep a very low profile at the wedding.

theleafandnotthetree · 28/06/2024 07:15

Crokepark · 28/06/2024 04:28

She's his child. Of course he will forgive her no matter what. Just like you would do with your child. You really have to go to the wedding. It would look terrible if you don't. She's in your life whether you like it or not. You chose that when you started dating her dad.

It's hard to project forward with things of course but I am fairly certain I would not allow my children to treat me like that and would certainly not forgive them 'no matter what'. Of course our relationship with our children is qualitatively different to that with others but there are limits and boundaries which cannot be breached, for their sake as well as ours. This daughter has behaved appallingly and against any kind of common decency and would indeed be gone from my life. I think I would lose respect for my husband in the OP's scenario.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 28/06/2024 07:17

I agree with others to support your husband with this, but I would also encourage him to have some therapy to unpick why he is so anxious when she refused to see him to the point where he was self harming.

user1492757084 · 28/06/2024 07:24

It might be a delusion but it is a wedding day.
You should bury the hatchet and be on the arm of your DH.

You need to support him in being the father-of-the-bride.
Don't make the wedding about you at all - for that is not what you want people to remember forever.
Be your nicest. Enjoy the other guests and the party.

You know to watch out for the daughter, just be polite without giving her money.

BorsetshireBanality · 28/06/2024 07:25

This scenario certainly gives the classic “father of the bride speech joke joke” - “I give the groom the hand of my daughter, whose hand has been in my wallet” extra meaning, sadly.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/06/2024 07:39

Go to the wedding and practice a few stock sentences in advance. Haven’t we been lucky with the weather. The bridesmaids look lovely, you chose just the right dresses. What a beautiful setting. etc..
And as lots of pp have said make sure you have your own money in your own account.

BorsetshireBanality · 28/06/2024 07:43

Sadly, I think your DH needs to plan for the worst, given his medical situation, and have a an iron-clad will in place. The daughter sounds the type to either contest the will or turn up with a van to take away prize possessions after he passes.

Prometheus · 28/06/2024 07:55

I would assume that her next request will be to pay for her wedding so brace for that.

Iliketulips · 28/06/2024 08:03

I totally understand why you feel like you do and probably half of it is down to the fact that you want to protect your DH. There is a saying 'keep your enemies close ...' - could be a case of giving it a go, for DH's sake and to get a measure of her (ie any signs of turning a leaf or is she still willing to walk over him). Is it worth saying you'd meet her with fiance (to take the pressure of just having to speak to her) and DH, for a coffee. Do this on the basis that you'll see how it goes, you don't want any heavy family roasts any time soon etc, but you'll do it to break the ice and see how it goes.

Veritysays897 · 28/06/2024 08:17

The thing is op, as this concerns your dh's DD, it is your dh's role to draw the boundaries. He is not prepared to do that, but that doesn't mean that it is your role to do so. Go to the wedding and support your DH. Young people sometimes don't have the insight in to their own behaviour that you gain when you become older, and she may well look back and regret her actions.

It doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it's quite likely that the money represents much more than just cash. To your dh's DD, it probably represents love and time, and being a priority in his life. And she is insisting on those things BC she obviously felt that they were lacking, or distributed unevenly, during the time her parents divorced. And your DH may well have capitulated BC he felt guilty about his own behaviour in some way.

Adult dc do suffer when their parents split, I have seen it happen among my friends, and sometimes parents don't attend to their emotional needs because they think they are adults and don't need love, reassurance etc during this period of transition.

And sometimes adults can be very wrapped up in their own affairs and the adult dc become an afterthought. And sometimes, very unwisely, both parents use them as a sounding board against their former partners, so they are exposed to conversations that should be left unsaid.

You don't know what went on here op and it's not your place to draw a line in the sand. If anything it's your role to support family harmony, not the reverse. This isn't about you. 💐