To not want a relationship with dh's dd

[ohthejoys21]

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

Nanaof1 I am so sorry you are going through this too with your dh. We cut a holiday short to fly home and have it done. I hope everything goes well

I would definitely go to wedding as other poster have suggested. But can I just add - she is getting married and was engaged possibly living with someone and your husband was paying for car phone and other things ?? She is old enough to pay for her own stuff...?

Get yourself a wonderful outfit, hair and nails, facial, light spray tan if you can face it. Put your biggest smiley face on, be graciousness personified! Your DH will love you even more. In such situations I find it helps to channel Jerry Hall or some other gorgeous confident woman.

You have to go, and for your husbands sake smile. But keep her at arms length, she may be 26 but sounds very immature.

I would just go. If you don’t your absence will feed into any future narrative she will try to trot out regarding how you are the bad guy etc etc. Go, but keep your own interaction with her minimal and polite.
As long as the financial side of it isn’t affecting your family income and standard of living adversely, I think you have to let him get on with. It’s sounds like he has paid plenty to her, probably more than to her sisters and his conscience should be clear. That makes him a mug imo, but it’s his money.

Yes as I said upthread I'm going.. he couldn't care less about the money as long as she stays in his life. I hate the fact she has this hold over him and he can't say no to whatever she demands in the future.. he's always been afraid of saying no to his girls.

You can manage to tolerate her once in a while at family events and suck it up for his sake. I think its part of your way of showing support for him.

She sounds pathetic looking for handouts at 26 years of age, if it were me I couldn't be shy expressing what I think of adults who are not financially independent. I'd feel sorry for the husband to be, marrying a woman like that. It must be so hard to be around her. She sounds vile.

I'd be concerned about your DH lack of backbone though. She will never treat him with respect while he let's her make a fool of him but I'm sure you have told him that.

One thing I think you could address with her and IS your business is the way she treated him when going through cancer. Have you ever asked her outright? I think it might be worth exploring, perhaps there is some explanation there. She needs to know how much she hurt DH, this wouldn't have to be done aggressively. More like your Dad loves you so much, he was devastated when you rejected him when he was sick etc. I hope if he is sick again you'll support him like he is supporting you now etc.

I've asked dh if he'd be ok about expressing my surprise to her at her lack of support for him at his shock diagnosis, but he doesn't want her upset in any way. What can you say to that?!!

He still helps all the adult children for the moment, mine included, not just her. He doesn't want them to struggle, but I think he realises one day they'll have to stand on their own feet. All his 3 girls are entitled, it's just this one I have a problem with knowingly inflicting so much emotional pain on dh.

He has incredible backbone in business.. just not with his children!!

I feel for you OP! He has made a rod for his own back as the saying goes. How do you cut off a financially dependent adult when you have created one? He needs to take responsibility for the problems he has created but it sounds like he never will.

That is absolutely disgusting of his daughter. At 26 she should be supporting herself, not sponging off her dad.

As for the spreadsheet - wow.

She is definitely only in contact for what she can get - let me guess, the wedding needs paying for next 🙄

Go to the wedding to support your husband, he'll need your support when he does eventually see it for himself, which he will.

My step-daughter is in her 30s and exactly the same, my husband can now see it - she didn't bother with his 60th, Christmas etc - don't expect gifts but an acknowledgement would be nice for him.

Same now he's just been diagnosed with a heart problem - she knows but hasn't even acknowledged it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm civil for his sake - I tried my hardest when we first got together - spoilt her children (and her and her then fiancé), clothes for the children, then I paid £900 for her wedding photographer and other bits, her dad paid for dress etc, decorations (offered to pay for a venue but wasn't good enough), numerous other things - I don't expect a thank you, I purely do it because I'd do it for my 3 teens but not an acknowledgement off of her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people are just rude and greedy.

Beanii

Maybe it's just me but when I hear of adult "kids" like your sd and mine, they always seem to come from a blended family. Plenty of adult kids still get support but I don't see the detachment and vile behaviour. Surely these "Disney dads" can't still be feeling guilt when their children have families of their own?

I'd find it easier if dh at least acknowledged her behaviour, but he won't hear of it, she's perfect!

I'm in a situationship with somebody but one of the reasons I couldn't ever see us as real partners in a blended family type situation is because he is so ridiculously blind to his children's faults and defensive of some pretty indefensible behaviour in the case of one of this children. I simply don't want to be around that or immersed in it. How he lets her treat him.makes me lose a lot of respect for him. Last Christmas for example, despite him paying huge sums of money for her to go to college and have adventures abroad, she very deliberately did not buy him a Christmas present whilst handing out her largesse to others. He was all like 'oh I don't mind, it doesn't matter'. Well you should fucking mind. But OP, you are obviously a bigger and more patient person than I.

It does seem to me that the men who are 'good' men in these broken family type situations seem to double down on the spoiling and are often over the top and lack any kind of perspective or judgement in their dealings with their children. My own children's father can be the same and it makes it very difficult to deal with him when things come up to do with the children's behaviour, as they inevitably do. Because they are real flawed human beings and not robots or avatars upon which we project our wishes.

Theleafandnotthetree

I hope you've told him why you won't commit, he needs to know! Let me tell you, I'm not a bigger person than you, just foolish. Yesterday, I heard him tell one of his girls how he wanted to stay fit and healthy for his children. No mention of me, the one who keeps him fit and healthy and worries about him. No, he wants to stay fit & heathy for the one who wanted to know where the insurance money was when he had cancer.

Interesting point you make about the 'good' men being more likely to have no judgement or ability to deal with their children's behaviour.

The cynic in me wonders if she just got back in touch so he can pay for the wedding?

No she got in touch well before she got engaged. Dh would've payed though anyway.

It's difficult.

My 3 teens live with their dad (long story) - he is a covert narcissist and I had to get out after 22 years, it took me 5 years to build the courage. From the outside I look like the mum who walked out on her kids but my ex has done a spectacular job of turning them and other people against me. 2 out of the 3 are slowly coming around a bit 3 years later - one is more stubborn.

Mine have a habit of only contacting me when they want money - I sometimes give in, sometimes I don't (depends what it's for etc) - I do feel guilty at times BUT 2 didn't even message a happy birthday this year, last year I underwent major spinal surgery (7.5 hours) and none of them messaged to see how I was and many other examples.

That's why I probably do seem harsh at times but I message all the time, see them when they want to etc.

I certainly wouldn't be financially supporting them at her age.

Beanii

That sounds incredibly hard, much worse than anything I've been through as they're your own children. Ironically I've always had the opposite with my children's dad.. he never wanted them after they were born and never shown any interest.

I'm so glad you're seeing two out of the three.. I've started my dd on counselling. Might it be an option for yours?

Suck it up. Keep your enemy close and all that.
Users, abusers and manipulators manage it but keeping people apart. So don't let her

Support your husband. Grit your teeth if you have to