To not want a relationship with dh's dd

[ohthejoys21]

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

I reluctantly agree with you.

Why is she hideous ?

A better question would be 'why is she less favoured' ?

Why did he spend more money on her sisters than her ? 🤷‍♀️

If it's true - and I'm assuming it is as you don't say it's not (and she has a spreadsheet) then isn't that the terrible part?

I can't even imagine how awful it would be to go merrily along in life and then you find out your dad bought your sister a house or £50 grands worth of shoes but he didn't get it for you

WHAT IS THE REASON ?

you can go to the wedding for your H and make it clear to him that you are doing this FOR HIM

If she so much as looks at you funny, you CAN and should pull her up on it. "Your father has decided to forgive you for how you treated him when he had cancer, but I'm sorry, i'm not there yet. I wish you well, but that is it. Don't talk to me like I'm lower than you, don't treat me like something you stepped in and we can co-exist."

Advice? Go to the wedding, smile and nod, nod and smile. Or, prepare to divorce. He's had cancer, she's his daughter and he wants to have a relationship with her on whatever terms she is setting. Familial relationships can be complicated, whether or not he is to blame for the split. Don't get in the way of it.

If it's true - and I'm assuming it is as you don't say it's not (and she has a spreadsheet) then isn't that the terrible part?

Op said it’s not true.
You’re making up a false narrative.

Some people are selfish, grasping and nasty. This dd sounds like she falls into this category.
The sad thing is that if her df stood up to her she’d probably behave better.

Not to tempt fate - but are you even invited to the wedding ?

There's been many a story on MN about step parents not being invited to weddings

Hi OP
I totally understand how you feel. However I think you should go to the wedding for your DH.
There is a middle ground between refusing to be near her and welcoming her back.
If I were you I would choose to support DH. She is irrelevant. He is the important one. He wants you there, so you go. He wants to spend time with her, you don't put obstacles in his way. I would be there to pick up the pieces when she pulls another stunt whilst hoping that you never have to.
It's not easy watching someone you love being hurt, supporting them then watching them invite more hurt. Hopefully she will learn to appreciate him and it will be better.

I'd do this. Frame it as supporting your husband not condoning her behavior in your mind.

You seem to have some sort of personal issue relating perhaps to your own experiences because nothing the OP has said makes her sound jealous in the slightest.

I would question how much someone loved their partner if they were happy about an adult dc behaving the way his dd has.

A spreadsheet?
Demands for money? You do realise adult dc aren't owed money.
Coercive behaviours
Rudeness.

OP says he didn't spend less on her.
Her behaviour doesn't say 'wounded child'. It says 'entitled, manipulative, coercive person hell bent on grabbing what she can'

He had cancer and she didn't care.

You seem unwilling to accept that some people are just arseholes

Have you never met any arseholes in your life?

You either choose to support your husband or you don’t. You say you want your marriage but your husband has made it clear that you accept his daughter or he doesn’t want to be married to you, and good for him. He is allowed to draw his line where he wants and you are allowed to choose which side of it you want to be on. You don’t have the right to control where he puts his line, especially when it comes to his own children.

OP please ignore the few PPs painting a new scenario where he neglected her in favour of her sisters and you are jealous of her.

My DH's eldest is exactly like the person you have described, in fact the situation is nearly identical. If you haven't encountered it personally it's hard to believe there isn't a major backstory. But some people are simply entitled grabby manipulative wankers. I'm sure there is a reason dating far further back into their childhoods.

But does 'a reason' excuse everything? Should I let paedophiles into my home as the vast majority were abused themselves as children?

My SD hasn't been back in touch for ages but I know it's always a possibility and I know it will go in a similar way except our finances are very tied up and as I earn a substantial portion I won't allow her hold him to ransom.

I have decided that when they do 'reconcile' I will not be getting involved.

I would, in your shoes, go to the wedding, paint on a smile, stay relatively sober and not stay too late - for your husband.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Try and look at it a different way.

Your husband must be so emotionally hurt that his daughter only wants him for money.

He's happy to have "the crumbs " of her love.... don't make it any harder for him.

Go to the wedding and put a brave face on. You're doing it for your lovely husband, not the daughter.

He's a high earner and has lavished it on you and your kids, in your words. How long have you been married? How old are your kids? How much do you earn? Have you lucked out on his generosity? Just trying to join the dots here.

There's time yet for her to say you are not invited.

Is dh paying for the wedding? Or is that demand yet ti come?

As others have said, if you do go, smile through gritted teeth, say very little & leave as early as possible.

Best of luck.

His daughter, his decision. He says it's a dealbreaker. So unless it's worth ending the relationship for then I'd keep out of it.

Think I'm in the minority but I'd have lost a lot of respect for him for handing the money over irrespective of whether there had been a gap in money over the years or not.

Thank you for this, my friends are saying the same.

What's this got to do with his daughter's attitude? Or is it just you being nosy.

Thank you. She used to speak lovingly of her dad and knows her mum had an affair. Although no one is perfect, dh has always been a caring dad who put his kids first, all of them. So in this case I believe it was nothing dh did (or didn't) do to her, I honestly think she just resented other kids of similar ages (mine) being in the mix.. despite her having loads of time with him on her own.

Er.. where exactly have I said he didn't want to be married to me? I haven't.

Dunkdemunder

Thank you, all the children have been treated equally financially, if at different times as they had different needs at different ages. Yes this one is a nasty piece of work and it's now pay-per-view with dh.

But as some say, his dd his choice. I can't act though and find it hard to be around her.

Thanks, this sums it up really.

Well at least you know why she has no longer cut him off, she has a wedding that needs paying for.

Oh god, OP, this is a horrible situation, especially given how happy your DH sounds while you know what’s coming - just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She sounds a nightmare, you sound perfectly sensible and lovely - sip the champers and plaster on that smile during the father of the bride speech, and it will be over reasonably quickly.

Knowing this won’t ever be over must be so wearing, though.