To not want a relationship with dh's dd

[ohthejoys21]

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

I think some posters on here lead such sad, little lives that bullying people who post threads on MN is their way of making them feel better about themselves.

There certainly isn't any reason, truth, logic, thought, compassion or kindness behind their attacks and nastiness.

I think she might be a DD whose Daddy didn't get her a pony for Christmas/birthday.

Or, you are correct and her bridge in under repair. 😉

So he's looked after you and your children from when they were very young in all ways and they will also inherit from him too. Thats very generous of him, but I can see why she might be resentful. Maybe therapy would help them mend their relationship a bit?

I have to say it would crush me to see my DH being treated horribly by anyone.
OP, hopefully, will go to the wedding, have fun, and be there to comfort her DH when his NVDDD imagines her next slight that will make her ghost her own DF.

I am a momma tiger when it comes to my kids but also my DH, and he knows this, very well.

Volunteer work is VERY worthwhile and needed. Without people like you, willing to give of themselves for no financial benefit, this world would be up shit creek without a paddle.

So you just do voluntary work and are fully dependant on him. He provides for your kids as their dad isn't so present.

I can see why she could be resentful and jealous of this set up.
Her dad has 3 dependents abs that takes ££ away from her.

You really have no choice but to attend given he's your financial provider and that's why he's able to give you the ultimatum.

Thank you Nanaof1 for all your supportive posts. Luckily I'm a mature confident person who isn't affected in the slightest with the trolling and recognise dissatisfaction and bitterness when I see it.

I sympathise as I am in a similar position with a SD; grasping, calculating, jealous of imagined slights or preferences. She almost broke my DH’s heart a few years ago. He won’t have a word said against her. I have stepped back and let him have the relationship. I’m polite when she visits (when the whim takes her) and never comment on how he spends his own money. We used to get on so well (so I thought) but now I have built an impenetrable wall where she can no longer hurt me and, to be honest, where DH can’t make me feel guilty or responsible about their relationship.

It does seem like you rather landed on your feet!!! You gave up work, he paid to raise your kids and is planning to leave them an inheritance.

You must see this connected to her behaviour?

Just go for his sake and ignore her as much as you can as she sounds horrid

As he's soad it's a deal breaker, I'd go ro the wedding.

After the wedding - within the next week - I'd have a frank chat and inform him that being forced and threatened into a corner if I don't comply is my deal breaker. I'd tell him that the wedding is the first and last time that ever happens

Otherwise, you'll now have a lifetime of him playing his DD deal breaker card.

The only person who will really suffer by you not attending the wedding will be your husband. If his daughter is as awful as you say she is I imagine she’d hardly care. It sounds like your husband has had a tough time of it so I would not add to his woes.

I'm going.. if asked. If I'm not then all good. I love my dh and wish I didn't feel the way I feel about her.

No YANBU. She sounds like a spoilt bi&ch. I hope at some stage your OH will stop seeing her through rose tinted glasses.

I can't be too outing here but yes I guess you're right. Dh had almost nothing when I met him, nor at the time of our marriage, having given his ex their home and a ridiculous settlement, which she has now blown along with her new dh and now has nothing.

My children adore dh and know how lucky they are, not just in having their lives changed financially but the support he gives them in every aspect of their lives. That being said, his dd has not had any less of his time, money or support.

As for inheritance they're all being treated the same. Dh has brought my kids up. As an adult, I do not feel entitled to an inheritance from my parents. I hope they bloody spend it all.

There's no chance of that.. even if he thought it he wouldn't hear a bad word. If my kids were ever horrendous I was the first to admit it, go ballistic and gave dh free rein to discipline them!! There was never any fear around mine.

What the fuck are you waffling on about?

Put a sock in it.

No!! Keep em coming Mistystar99 it's entertainment I've got covid and it makes me laugh!

YANBU. I’m 27 with divorced parents, my dad remarried in my early 20s. We have had our ups and downs, and I am still hurt over some things he’s done, as I’m sure he feels towards me - but I would never demand money or material goods and I would certainly be right by his side if he had cancer!

The biggest thing for me was accepting our new relationship for what it is, which is probably a compromise between what we had both hoped for. It’s hard to see my half and step sibs get a lot of the things I didn’t have at their age, but these are mainly non-material things like stability, trust, closeness - things you can’t put a price on. It’s worth the compromise to get to have my dad in my life. His wife is honestly also lovely, not a mother figure to me more like an auntie or older cousin.

Are you his daughter??

For the sake of your marriage I think you have to go. However you don’t even have to pretend to enjoy it. Maybe explain to your husband that now she is married it’s time she stood on her own two feet and didn’t treat him like a cash point machine

Gosh.
Well, I'm glad you've decided to go.
She really is a piece of work.
Good luck

He has likely contributed to the way she is . So part of her , is him. I wouldn’t want to be in the marriage.

As horrid as she sounds, you need to suck it up for the sake of you DH. You need to be there for him on this one

Sorry, just read that you will go if asked.