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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a relationship with dh's dd

218 replies

ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 09:53

Dh's dd 26, cut off dh for 2.5 years a couple of years back. She is now back in his life and he's delighted about that. She has never given him a reason, but leading up to it she was demanding large amounts of cash and things she 'needed'.. which he didn't question. He was not the reason for his split with her mum, and has always been an outstanding parent to her, giving her as much one on one time as she would allow.

During the time she cut him off and he was still paying her car, mobile, birthday and Xmas, he was diagnosed with cancer. Dd knew this and did not contact him. He sent letters/texts begging to know what he'd done, but only got the odd nasty reply.

Until one day.. when she sent him a spreadsheet detailing what he'd spent on her sisters, and how he hadn't spent nearly enough on her. She demanded an astronomic sum which dh happily paid plus car and laptop.

Dh now wants me to forget all about it but I can't even look at her. I'm happy for him she's back in his life but I don't want a relationship with her. She recently got engaged and I don't want to go to the wedding. Dh says this is a dealbreaker for him, that he wants one big happy family and that I need to draw a line under it. When I point out to him that if he wasn't still supporting her financially she probably wouldn't be around, it falls on deaf ears. I literally can't stand her but I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 10:50

Cyclebabble · 27/06/2024 10:40

This is very difficult. I have come across people like his daughter and they are highly manipulative. You can see this DH cannot. To keep your marriage intact you have to have some but limited relationship with his daughter, so I do not think you can not go to the wedding. However keep the conversations very short and do not engage. It is after all only one day. If she is only interested in money the plus side is she will disappear for long stretches reappearing periodically to ask for cash. Be prepared to pick up the pieces when the next piece of manipulation is underway. Be very careful around what she will insist on wills/inheritance. If she is greedy now she will be more greedy if your DH passes. Make sure there is a will and make sure it does not completely shaft you.

Thank you. I have visions of her telling dh he can see his grandkids but would he mind paying her credit card bill? I know it's not ever going away.

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 27/06/2024 11:00

How long have you been together?

This is nothing to do with you.
When it comes to your partners kids, it’s completely up to them how they choose to parent them or spend money on them.

And you should stay out of it, just like he should stay out of you raising your kids.

You can gently give your opinion but ultimately you should just support whatever decision he makes and go along with it.

I understand how you feel but this is not something I would be willing to end my relationship over.
I would draw a line in the sand and make an effort with her for your DPs sake.

Rewis · 27/06/2024 11:04

Can he afford to support her?

Noseybookworm · 27/06/2024 11:05

You don't like her but she is his daughter and will always be in his life so also yours to a certain extent. So you have to reconcile yourself to that and make an effort to be pleasant in her company. You don't have to be best friends. Your partner can't ask more of you than that. But yes, you should go to the wedding and do it with good grace to support him.

MoodEnhancer · 27/06/2024 11:05

I understand where you are coming from. My DH has some family members who have behaved badly towards him, such that - internally - I can’t really forgive them. But I reasoned with myself that I felt that way because I love my DH and hate the fact that they hurt him. And since he wants to maintain good relationships with them, I would only be hurting him more if I made that difficult. And hurting him is exactly why I am angry with them so it makes no sense for me to add to that.

In your DH’s case, he is her father. Despite all that awful behaviour, I wouldn’t cut out my child if they behaved like that. I certainly wouldn’t choose my DH over my child either. I’m not at all surprised he feels the same. It may not be rational, but it is what unconditional love looks like.

If you love your husband, then you need to put this stuff to the back of your mind. You need to go to weddings and smile (through gritted teeth!) at family occasions. You don’t need to seek out her company or have a relationship with her outside of family time, but you absolutely must put your husband’s wishes and wellbeing first in this scenario. If you can’t manage that, you have to leave. There is no other way forward, I’m afraid.

Justrelax · 27/06/2024 11:27

Go along, play nice for his sake. But separate your finances and make it clear to him that he only gets to bankroll her out of his own money, not yours.

Sounds like her parents splitting really messed her up. I think people underestimate the long-term impact.

Testina · 27/06/2024 11:29

I'm happy for him she's back in his life

Were you really? I get that you’d be happy for him that he had what he wanted… but secretly I wouldn’t be happy for him at all, really.

I would go to the wedding because it’s such big (and usually one off) occasion, and emotive. You don’t have to like her to eat the food that no doubt your husband is paying for.
If I actually otherwise loved my husband, I wouldn’t lose my marriage over one event.

Otherwise, as long as you’re not subsiding him because he’s spending so much on her, I’d say my piece to him about her, then leave him to it.

Ozanj · 27/06/2024 11:34

You have no idea what his relationship with her was really like as a child. You only have his story. The fact that he’s willingly paying suggests he probably does feel she has a point. At the end of the day this is his daughter, he’s decided to support her, and you can either put up and shut up or leave as he suggests. There is no middleground.

gahhbored · 27/06/2024 11:36

DaniMontyRae · 27/06/2024 10:23

She sounds obnoxious and grasping. But if your husband is honest with himself, did he spend a lot more on his other children? Because that kind of preferential treatment does build massive resentment. If he has treated them equally then she's just greedy and self-serving. This won't change as long as your husband continues to pander to her.

I think both could be true? My parents spent vastly amounts on us due to (absolutely real) different family circumstances and each child's different individual needs. They are very generous to all of us now, like OP's DH is being with his daughter.

taylorswift1989 · 27/06/2024 11:39

Ozanj · 27/06/2024 11:34

You have no idea what his relationship with her was really like as a child. You only have his story. The fact that he’s willingly paying suggests he probably does feel she has a point. At the end of the day this is his daughter, he’s decided to support her, and you can either put up and shut up or leave as he suggests. There is no middleground.

This. Why take on the role of 'evil stepmother' when you don't have to? You can smile, be polite, go to the wedding, throw confetti and never reveal your true feelings.

Maybe she's a manipulative cow, maybe she's a horribly damaged individual trying to survive, maybe something inbetween. That's not for you to determine. You just have to support your husband.

Stop interfering in your husband's relationship with his daughter. If you push him, he's going to choose her over you. So step back.

cheddercherry · 27/06/2024 12:55

To be honest it would be a dealbreaker for me because these kind of people won’t change suddenly and she clearly is adept at manipulating your husband without so much as an inkling of challenge for what seems extreme behaviour. Whether warranted by family trauma, or not, it needs addressing not glossing over.

I suspect you’ve got many more years of witnessing upset and demands for money and it’s no way to live. He could suggest therapy to actually mend their relationship and get to what’s causing this behaviour but simply throwing cash at her and never even asking a question as to why is simply ridiculous. I suspect she’ll one day refuse him access to grandchildren too and if it’s as clear cut as you’ve written it and she’s simply vanished for two years then demanded cash, then no, in your shoes I couldn’t bite my tongue and swallow that behaviour for possibly the next 30/40 years.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 13:00

CovertPiggery · 27/06/2024 10:50

YANBU to be annoyed at her using your DH and ignoring him when he had cancer.

She sounds awful.

I wouldn't let her ruin your marriage though.

That's it really. As idiotic as dh sounds, he's an exceptional man and step dad to my kids. He enhances everyone's life with his kindness.

OP posts:
WB205020 · 27/06/2024 13:02

To some degree it is up to him what he does but what does worry me is the fact you are married, i assume own a home together?! are financially tied in some ways.....how does it impact the family finances if he is giving her vast sums of money?

If it were a few hundred or so then thats 1 thing but it sounds like thousands. Whilst its his DD as you are married so how does him spending all this money affect the family pot.....savings and any shared financial assets (house etc.)?

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 13:13

Gahhbored

"I think both could be true? My parents spent vastly amounts on us due to (absolutely real) different family circumstances and each child's different individual needs. They are very generous to all of us now, like OP's DH is being with his daughter."

Her needs were endless designer online jewellery and cash.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 13:15

WB205020 · 27/06/2024 13:02

To some degree it is up to him what he does but what does worry me is the fact you are married, i assume own a home together?! are financially tied in some ways.....how does it impact the family finances if he is giving her vast sums of money?

If it were a few hundred or so then thats 1 thing but it sounds like thousands. Whilst its his DD as you are married so how does him spending all this money affect the family pot.....savings and any shared financial assets (house etc.)?

He's a high earner and earns it all himself so it's completely up to him what he does with it, I just can't bear seeing her due to her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 13:16

Testina · 27/06/2024 11:29

I'm happy for him she's back in his life

Were you really? I get that you’d be happy for him that he had what he wanted… but secretly I wouldn’t be happy for him at all, really.

I would go to the wedding because it’s such big (and usually one off) occasion, and emotive. You don’t have to like her to eat the food that no doubt your husband is paying for.
If I actually otherwise loved my husband, I wouldn’t lose my marriage over one event.

Otherwise, as long as you’re not subsiding him because he’s spending so much on her, I’d say my piece to him about her, then leave him to it.

Thank you for your advice. I don't want to lose him. I am genuinely happy for him as he was over eating and miserable for the years she cut him off.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2024 13:19

I don’t respond well to ultimatums or blackmail so I’d make it clear I wasn’t going to the wedding and if he’d really divorce you over it that would have to be his decision and one I’d be sad about but accept. He wouldn’t be the man I thought I’d married.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 27/06/2024 13:33

She sounds like a mercenary cunt, frankly. I’d have nothing to do with her either, and I’d shut down any discussion around it.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 15:08

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2024 13:19

I don’t respond well to ultimatums or blackmail so I’d make it clear I wasn’t going to the wedding and if he’d really divorce you over it that would have to be his decision and one I’d be sad about but accept. He wouldn’t be the man I thought I’d married.

He is the man I married.. a family man. I'd be more than sad as I love him and losing him would impact my life hugely.

OP posts:
a222 · 27/06/2024 15:44

you have no idea about what happened in the past, that may have made her happy to treat him this way.

his daughter will always come before you, you seem jealous.

so childish to say you aren’t going to the wedding also.

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2024 15:59

Unless she is violent or abusive, you can manage the occasional visit where you talk about the weather.

if your finances are separate, you can’t do much about how he spends his money.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 16:46

a222 · 27/06/2024 15:44

you have no idea about what happened in the past, that may have made her happy to treat him this way.

his daughter will always come before you, you seem jealous.

so childish to say you aren’t going to the wedding also.

Well so I'm sure all revolting and abusive behaviour is justified as there must be a reason for it?!! And who am I jealous of? His dd? My dh has lavished me and my kids with his love, time, money and care, and changed our lives. No jealousy here I assure you. You yourself seem bitter and twisted with no doubt your own story to tell.

If you've got nothing constructive to add, don't!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 27/06/2024 16:48

Ponderingwindow · 27/06/2024 15:59

Unless she is violent or abusive, you can manage the occasional visit where you talk about the weather.

if your finances are separate, you can’t do much about how he spends his money.

She was verbally abusive when younger, now I don't think so. Our finances are shared but dh brings it all in so he can do what he likes.. it isn't the money rather than the behaviour.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 27/06/2024 17:18

I couldn't live like he's asking you to do. It would make me miserable to have to pretend and fake things, and to go along with his codependency.

So I'd not be going to the wedding, and I'd probably be ending the relationship if he didn't. I want a man, not a doormat who thinks he can buy happiness. Instead he's buying the poison that will ultimately kill his marriage.

DinnaeFashYersel · 27/06/2024 17:24

She sounds hideous but you go to the wedding for the sake of your DH.