Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

How old is he?

You haven't been a cow btw. It's just that his age affects the advice.

How old is he and do you always make all his meals?

Go upstairs and make amends with the lad. Suggest spending an hour doing the jobs together. Make it fun, whack the radio on, have races etc, then do something fun together, preferably out of the home. Repeat during the week, even if just for 30 minutes.
Weekends spent entirely doing chores are boring and tempers end up frayed.

He's almost 11

So he could make his own breakfast and lunch to free up time

I’ve not said yes or no to whether you’re unreasonable…but I feel for you both. It sounds like you decide to do things that are kind or helpful (cooked breakfasts and mowing neighbours lawn) but I wonder if it would work better if you discussed stuff with your son and worked round things to make him feel prioritised rather than fitted in after the essentials are done. Did he need a cooked breakfast? Or could you have said once you’d cut the grass and done laundry you would go out for lunch together? Or could he help with the lawn while you did laundry? Connection, communication and clarity.

I don't spend the whole weekend doing chores. Tomorrow will be completely free and I'm done now. He's just upset.
I didn't lose my temper or even raise my voice!
I have extremely high levels of patience, I'm a SEN teacher full time so it's a necessity.
But the little things build up when I'm doing everything completely alone.

Why can't he go and see a friend?

I'd already said to him we'd play badminton when I'm done. I was done half an hour ago so the rest of the day is free.

We've tried that. They're all busy.

It sounds like you have explained how him not doing little things for himself have an impact on you, and therefore the time you spend together . He is old enough to take this on board, assuming no raised voice or an accusatory way. I think I would leave him a little while to calm down, then sit down with him to find out what was so upsetting for him.

You say you didn’t raise your voice etc, but you’ve clearly done something if your child is sitting upstairs sobbing and not wishing to be near you.

i don’t understand why you’re havering on about his father either. You need to manage your own behaviour/

So is asking him to put his plates away and take tissues out of his pockets too much to ask a 10 year old? I didn't think so?

He's not sobbing. Please don't hyperbolise what I said.

I mention his dad because there is clearly a huge difference between his weekends with his dad and his weekends with me. His dad doesn't have to do all these jobs. So therefore he has the whole weekend to do whatever they want. I don't have that luxury. It's pertinent. I feel guilty about it but what can I do? Let the house go to ruin?

So what exactly is your DS's problem? Why does he now want 'alone' time? Is it his way of punishing you for being busy?

At 11 years old, he should be helping you do the chores, not sitting waiting for you. As another poster said, make a game of it, set yourselves a target of who can do what quickest, then at the end of the chores have a plan as to what you both would like to do.

It sounds to me like you're doing a WONDERFUL job OP, so please don't fret. I know it's annoying that your ex is a 'Disney Dad', but kids sometimes get fed up with that too, and would prefer to spend some 'normal' home time with their Dad, that HE can't provide, or is he able to do things like working with his son, showing him how to mend a bike, or build something out of wood, or painting a room together, all things that most Dad's are able to do at home, but possibly Disney Dad can't offer, because he's living with his parents.

Enjoy the glass of wine!

You really are out to goad people aren't you. We see you.

Thank you. I really am trying so hard to be everything to him. I've done all the major things, taught him how to ride a bike, swim etc. he sees me doing every around the house, I don't have any help and I work full time.
I'm a very patient and easy going parent generally that's why I'm just stumped.
I don't know what I said to cause this reaction.

he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone

Poor thing. He’s only 10. Sounds like you ranted at him. He shouldn’t have to listen to you moaning about your lot in life. That’s a bit much for a 10 year old to have to listen to, especially mentioning his dad.

He’s absolutely old enough to help out a bit, but he shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your frustration in general.

I hear what you’re saying and I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable. I have similar conversations here.
It is difficult when working full time, as a single parent and everything still needs to be done at home. And there’s only you to do it all. 💐

I absolutely did not rant at him.

I reminded him of the things he needs to do, that I've asked him to do many times before.

I explicitly said I did not shout or raise my voice. Nowhere was ranting mentioned?

Ok, shall I never remind him not to do it then?
How is that going to help him not to do it?

He's been brought up as well as I possibly can do it.
But thanks for sticking the boot in.

You're stuck doing everything. He's still relatively young. You've gotten exasperated and possibly ranted a bit at him in a way he might not fully understand. I don't think there's anyone BU here tbh. It sounds like your situation is just hard right now.

He's crying because he's feeling guilty. So don't fret about it OP.