Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

Sorry but you're wrong.
The tears started way before I mentioned anything about his dad.

He actually came around after I'd had a chat with him where I explained why my weekends were so busy.
So if you're implying that I'm damaging my son by explaining a fact, you're wrong.

I'm sure you'd like to think I take part in this "nonsense" of split parents criticising each other and it damaging children. But again - you are incorrect. I have spent years and years being relentlessly positive about his father, despite feeling very differently.

I'm not! I understand completely it is immensely unfair that her ex can just swan in and do the fun stuff. But that's coz I'm an adult not a 10 year old

This, exactly this. To an adult yes we get the nuance, we can deal with people not being perfect but he probably still idolise his parents and is learning they are human and fallible too.

And if you've read the thread you will see how I have tirelessly protected my child from the reality of all of it. And how I am dreading the point at which he realises. At some point very soon he will start asking why his dad doesn't have his own house and lives at nanny and granddad's. I'm sure he's already wondering this. I'm dreading it when he starts to realise. I am not interested in scoring points, quite the opposite.

This is the only time I have ever referred to our different lifestyles. So I'm not sure what the point is you're trying to make?

And to be completely honest, perhaps I should start being more open now he's getting older.

I absolutely do not want him to think that it is normal for a 43 year old man to live at home with his parents and have none of the adult responsibilities that come with running a household. It's is not normal. And this is not a good example to set for a boy of his age.

OP you haven't done anything wrong. He's at a funny age, hormones, new hair and weird emotions.

He also is old enough to have a set amount of chores around the house.

Yes of course! It's going to hurt though. There's nothing you can do to shelter him from the hurt as he realises his dad isn't the superhero he idolised as a kid

You may find this a bit of an eye opener but slagging your child’s other parents off is classed as child abuse. You don’t need to open his eyes, he is not stupid, he knows already what kind of parent he has and maybe trying to mask the situation to avoid further disappointment. If he doesn’t know yet, he will get to see it by the time he is 16, no need to hurt him twice as much just to put your point forward.

You may not be together any more but you two are still his only parents, if you teach him to despise him, he will but you would leave him worse off, it would hurt his mental health even more.

It is not divorce that damages children, what damages them is all the toxicity they get from their very own parents while they are trying to score points on each other.

What in earth are you taking about?? 😂😂

Where have I "slagged him off"?

I have repeatedly said I do the exact opposite. I have NEVER spoken badly about his father. Not once. I am relentlessly positive. Me pointing out that his dad does not have to carry out household tasks at the weekend so he has more free time to spend with him is not slagging him off . Its a fact. I didn't say it with any malice, I was explaining why my weekends are busy and his dad's are less so.

I have spent 15 years teaching so I am more than aware of what constitutes child abuse. You assertions are utterly absurd and extremely patronising.

I'd advise you read the full thread and my repeated posts about how I have never been negative about his father, because you are making yourself look very silly indeed.

"Teaching him to despise him".
Utterly ridiculous.

This is a great post, OP. DS is old enough to pull together as a team, in order to free up time and energy for things that mean more to you both or just to him.

Especially if you can make some of his jobs interesting

You have my sympathy. I've been exactly there, and still carry the guilt of cleaning every weekend when I could have been paying my DD more attention 20 odd years later. Maybe ask him to help with certain chores, to get the jobs done in half the time, and apart from the kitchen and bathroom, cut yourself some slack and do a proper clean fortnightly instead? He could also help by whizzing the hoover round in between?

You posted that at lunch time so only half the day gone. Maybe try saying to him help me get x done and we’ll have time to do y. Then make sure you make time for him. Also try doing a load of washing a day not leaving it to the weekend. You can also clean round the bathroom while having a shower/brushing teeth, dusting the lounge on a weekday evening so it takes 5 minutes etc and this makes keeping on top of things much more manageable.
you are not being a cow you are just being a parent. To a boy that, in my opinion, is at one of the trickiest ages.

You just be exhausted. DD is 8 and helps herself to brekkie- as she wants to do it herself. Cereal and milk- it’s fine.

You shouldn’t be apologising for needing to do housework, he’s old enough to do the laundry/washing up and teach to mow the grass etc I think you should be getting him more involved with the housework as he’s getting older.

It also shouldn’t be assumed that he has all your attention when you’re done. You need downtime too… it’s nice that he wants to do things together still but also needs to learn to entertain himself at times.

Yep and the misogynistic user name speaks volumes

He’s also old enough to be aware of the impact that his actions/inaction has on others, OP didn’t shout, she was just letting him know and was realistic and honest. If kids don’t get taught about the impact their choices make to others, or personal responsibility, how do they ever learn? It seems we’re already raising generations of entitled human beings who think everything is someone else’s fault/responsibility. Well done OP, I think you’re doing a great job and it’s bloody hard work doing it alone!

I'm so glad I had twins. Friends with only children had to spend so much of their lives entertaining them, while I could smugly leave mine to play together while I got on with stuff! (Not that I didn't want to spend time with them, of course, I did - but none of that guilt when I had jobs to do....).

Your DS is quite old enough to understand that you have a house to run - and old enough to be helping out. Don't feel bad - I expect he does deep down! Keep doing what you're doing, and enjoy the wine! Later you can have fun together, ditto tomorrow - but don't back down and do keep reminding him of things he can do to make your life easier. It's all good practice for when he's older.

You are doing a great job. The sooner they understand that life is full of boring bits as well as fun stuff the better! My kids had to get involved because their father was useless and when I got divorced I didn’t have time.
He won’t appreciate it now but when he is the only one of his friends who can look after himself as he goes to uni/ leaves home - he will understand.
You will give him the tools to fly rather than doing everything for him and creating another useless adult

I have twins the same age and they make their own lunch and breakfast now. If you want the cooked breakfast and it feels like a nice thing to do then fair enough but they are all feeling like extra chores. He can also do a few chores around the house together and then you will have more time to do nice things together.

it’s really hard. My 10 yo is tasked with hoovering to help out, but tbh we normally have to do it again after which causes resentment. Plus DH is digging a patio at the moment (two months and counting, meaning I’m left with the house, mid reno, so we’re all feeling put upon.

I don’t think you’ve been out of order but maybe time to speak to your neighbour and or get some help. It’s a lot to carry solo and I think kids should be helping more at that age.

You are definitely not being a cow, it's perfectly fine to ask your DC to help in a small way to make both lifes easier. It is not easy being a single parent and jobs have to be done, l am sure that you are doing a great job, sending hugs

Maybe spend some weekend time with him first and then do chores - let the housework go a bit. He won't always need your time as much as he does now.

OP, it sounds like you're doing a great job. But instead of trying to do everything maybe explain to your DS that because it's just the 2 of you, you need to be more of a team. The little things you ask him to do aren't criticism, just ways that help your home run more smoothly.
As for comparing your weekends with his Dad's time, don't beat yourself up about it. We've all said things to our kids we wish we hadn't.

I have read the full thread (you thanked me for my message so I think you read my reply).

Being a teacher means nothing, absolutely nothing. Teachers can be as good or as bad as anyone else. And I say that as a child of a headteacher who is a properly unpleasant woman who goes into a nasty attack mode and starts flashing her bloody teaching cards when she feels people disagree with her or are challenging her authority. So I leave you to it.

Sometimes kids are just having a moment. Maybe hormones, maybe nothing. Sounds like you're doing a good job.