Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

I understand you need to do laundry but can you not do things like mow the lawn when he's at his dad's?

I don't know which option to click because yanbu to say what you did, to be frustrated and you are neither reasonable or not to feel guilty about- all very normal
Cut yourself some slack, enjoy some time out & enjoy his company when he's finished sulking

omg so many mean comments on this thread!
@BringBackLilt OP you did nothing wrong. of course you should remind him, how else would he learn? maybe involve him in the chores more and have a quiet chat with him few days later when he is in a relaxed frame of mind. perhaps he can help you do the laundry and double check all pockets etc. so that he starts getting into the habit.
everytime he leaves something lying around, maybe call him and get him to put it away? all with lots of praise and love and cuddles and smiles.

Hope ye end up having a nice games/ movie evening op x

Thank you xxx

I definitely am guilty of not always expecting the most from him. Out of guilt I think. I feel so bad for him that his parents aren't together that I try and compensate in other ways by making his life as easy as possible. I KNOW this is not the right way to go about it and I absolutely take your advice on board xx

You are not a cow and don’t listen to the “the poor kids only ten” brigade. I’m a single mum too and my ten and eight year old contribute in the house and recognise that I have more time for them when they’re helping out so they strip their own beds every weekend and hoover their own rooms. They are also sent round the house to pick o up their own stuff (mainly hundreds and hundreds of nerf bullets that have been scattered). Likewise they put their own stuff in the dishwasher.

my advice would be you can have quality time while cooking breakfast. My boys love to join in cooking. I also link their jobs to their pocket money to get it done!

Actually, he's about the age mine were when they started doing their own washing. It has loads of advantages- they remember to check their own pockets and find out what happens if they don't, miraculously socks stay together- that's a real mystery- and he'll always know where his pe kit is.

I don't think you were wrong to remind him about the plates and the tissues, or about the fact that at least part of the weekend has to go on household tasks. Even an implicit message that his dad gets to slack off on this isn't inappropriate.

I suspect that his reaction is because he was faced with the sudden realisation that there are all sorts of emotions in his mum that he'd never been aware of before. And the adult world he's staring into the barrel of is full of this kind of thing. And he can't even articulate that.

OP, I really feel for you.
Could you have a sit down with him and explain all the things that need doing at home before you can spend time together, and ask him to help you? Does he get pocket money?
Could you draw up a chore chart, and make it so there's either a monetary reward or time reward for each one? (So say he does the laundry that saves you half an hour, you'll have half an hour extra to do something with him at the weekend?)
Make it so he's the "hero" - you really need his help, you really want to spend the time with him, but the chores are preventing you and he can come along and be the reason you get more time together?
Or just ask him if you can do all the things together so that you spend that time together, you're teaching him those life skills to set him up for the future, and getting things done twice as fast?

You sound like you're doing your best and his Disney dad isn't helping, but focus on what you can change and not what you can't - doesn't sound like his dad will ever be a proper adult.

Hugs xxx

I’m sorry that people are wading in and giving you a hard time. You are doing the absolute best you can. I have older children (boys) and they have been started off at this age actually a bit younger, doing their own washing cleaning and cooking. It takes a while. Just remind him you are a team of two and you love him. Teach him how to properly handle these domestic jobs and give lots of praise when he does them to any degree. It gets better, and I used to have my lads do one thing every night ( clear shoes, dishes, wipe down the shower, change the bedding etc) and it becomes much more manageable. Keep your chin up girl, you are doing a great job. Sending hugs.

Ive got a very sensitive one like that, just reassure him you love him and are not angry with him just asking for a little bit of help. Youre his whole world, he knows what his dad is.

I can understand your resentment and frustration towards the "disney dad", but your DS didn't choose his dad or this situation, so its not his fault all this lies on you, so that frustration and your "load" should not be loaded onto him at 10 years old.

Yes, he is old enough for a few chores, but it's not abnormal for a kid to forget to take tissue out of his pockets - and of course you keep reminding him, but you really don't need to go on about how you do it all on your own - that's not his fault and shouldn't be thrown at him at 10years old, as it really isn't relevant. His chores should be age appropriate (as they are) and just because he should be starting to take a bit of responsibility in looking after himself - not because you are a single parent.

No wonder he is upset being made to feel like he adds to your load.

Thank you, I know you're totally right.
I shouldn't have mentioned his dad - something I'll ruminate over now probably 🙄

Just to say I've spent 9 years being relentlessly positive about his dad, never, ever said a bad word about him, despite him being utterly useless and an incredibly poor role model. I genuinely have kept it all in and been positive about his dad. I want him to look up to his dad, like I did with mine.

I didn't bad mouth his dad as such, just explained why our weekends together look different. But I take on board I shouldn't have said it at all.

@MartyFunkhouser Where exactly did OP say that she'd mentioned his dad TO DS? She mentioned him to US. Not DS.
Reading comprehension....

Gently, I didn't "go on about it".
I just pointed out how our weekends together might be different and the reasons why. I don't want him to think that I'm deliberately avoiding spending time with him and that my time is more limited than the time he gets with his dad because I have things to do that need doing.

Hi OP, your response is normal to a stressful situation, you haven't done anything wrong. Working full time and running a home and single parenthood is exhausting( I speak from experience). The non resident parent ( almost always dad) will always be removed from the challenges you face and is often seen as the 'chirpy' one. You are not alone. Take care of yourself, your son is lucky to have such a positive role model in you. Enjoy an extra glass of wine!

I don't think know did anything wrong and I'm surprised he was upstairs crying. Don't let yourself be manipulated, kids need telling off sometimes and I remember my own mum repeatedly telling me off about napkins in pockets (I still make that mistake sometimes at the age of 35 though).

And it's not your job to build up a fake image of his dad.

It's nice of you to mow the neighbour's lawn, but that's the first thing I would cut TBH. He can pay someone to do that for him (disregard this advice if he does a lot for you and it's quid pro quo, but if it isn't then he isn't your responsibility)

Other than that, though, you are absolutely not a cow. When your DS is grown, he will appreciate how much you love him and how much you did for him: the hero worship of his father will wane as he grows up and realises his father's house is built on sand. I know a woman who had an absolute asshole of a partner: violent, abusive, you name it. Their son idolised his father and lived with him between the ages of 14 and 17, but he wised up in the end and now doesn't speak to his father at all. It is hard when you're going through it, but you're doing a great job.

Why don't you ask him why he got so upset and listen to the answer without making defensive replies? It might not be what you think. It may be that he just thinks you don't hear him.

BTW - At 10 he could probably lean to mow the lawn. It's a job my boys always liked because it's outside and makes lots of noise. And doesn't need doing too often. 3 hours chores divided by 2 is only 90 mins..just saying..

I was going to say what that poster did. As there’s only 2 of you he needs to be involved in all the chores. Laundry, vacuum, dishes, ironing, cooking - these are all good life skills anyway.

I'm complete fairness, I did mention his dad to him, but only to explain why our weekends together might play out differently. I was just trying to emphasise that there's a reason for me having to complete tasks and him not have my 100% attention, like he does with his dad.
But I know now I should keep that to myself.

Btw, I'm not now ignoring him 😂 the children in our close have now all come out in force to play so he's out having a wonderful time with his friends ❤️

I think it is too much to expect a 10yo to remember these things all the time. You just have to be realistic about kids - either they are so scared they daren't forget (awful) or they do forget (annoying). I prefer annoying to awful!

He is old enough to help you lots - for example you could have said let's spend a couple of hours getting the house sorted together, then have lunch together, then play some games.

Your OP makes it sound like he is relaxing while you rush about cooking and cleaning?

Get him loading the washer, get him clearing the plates up, get him emptying the pockets! The chores are less annoying when there is teamwork.

But also stop comparing yourself to his dad - very bad form and very upsetting for him.

Can you reframe a few things? Ask him to make breakfast and lunch for you both on a Saturday as it would be such a help and give you more time to do fun things together? I realise that would need 'organising' on your part but gets him to feel important and 'needed' and you are both doing things for both of you.

At 10 I certainly had jobs to do as did siblings .
Dont apologise.
Draw a line under this , but he is part of your household and totally capable of making his own breakfast & removing tissues from his pocket

You sound very kind OP- mowing your neighbour’s lawn when you’re a single mum with probably more on your plate than many people. You’re setting a wonderful example to your son about being part of a community and helping others.

You’re also setting your son up to be an independent and capable individual by getting him into good habits in terms of tidying up after himself. His future housemates and partners will thank you for that!

The only thing I would suggest is considering whether any of the chores can be postponed to times when your son is with your dad (whilst also, of course, ensuring that you still get to relax and do nice things for yourself when your son is not with you).