Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

I read this somewhere recently - its not the parents job to make sure their children are happy all the time, it's their job to parent.

and parenting done correctly means children will be unhappy at times. when they are told no, when they are disciplined

and ultimately it's all about managing expectations. if you create the expectation that he also has a role and responsibilities then it will be normal

and absolutely get rid of this guilt about parents not being together. he has both parents, he sees them both and you made the decision in his best interest. it would have been far worse if you were together and unhappy and he was caught in the middle of that.

Do you write fiction for a living?

You have no idea if any of that happened

I've done this ONCE. After 9 years. And not in an accusatory way, just to explain the difference in his weekend experience to him.

You haven’t been horrible at all OP and you’re clearly a lovely mum to even be worrying about it. He will look back one day and know just how hard you’ve worked. Hope you enjoyed that wine x

If his dad is utterly useless, why do you want him to look up to his dad

Don't you want him to be realistic about his dad, and do better himself?

You need some proper help I think around your conflicted feelings about the separation and his father.

I think you sound a bit overwrought about it all, probably because you’re tired and have a sense of being the sole responsibility parent with a Disney Dad co-parent. Which I get, to an extent — DH’s job (in sport) means he works at weekends through the season, so although he’s a properly involved parent who does all weekday cooking, shopping, laundry etc, I do get a lot of the weekend gruntwork on top of a demanding job. I just think you need to find a way not to put this on a young child to the extent that it genuinely upsets him to this extent. Absolutely he needs to help out, but not in the context of ‘I’m exhausted and resent spending Saturdays drudging and your father doesn’t have to do any of this’. And no one needs elaborate cooked breakfasts or lunches on a Saturday. Figure out some ways to simplify, or to offload some chores for pay. Three weekly hours of a cleaner makes a big difference to weekends here.

Just to explain a bit more, his dad left us. Came out of the blue with no warning at all. I e since bought a house for us snd moved on. I have no clue what on earth his dad is thinking. He's ruined his life. But I'm NEVER negative about him. Because that's his dad and I can't break his heart.

I think its reasonable to ask DS to empty his pockets and bring crockery to the kitchen

I think you're feeling guilty because you have chores to do and you're worried that DS is/will compare and contrast YOU with his Dad

Probably DS is simply sad that none of his friends are around to play with

I really don't think you've done anything wrong OP, I think it is sensible to remind him that there are reasons why weekends with you are not the same as weekends with his Dad. He's not a 5 year old, he should be old enough to realise this at least when it is pointed out if not all by himself yet.

I would let him know, it IS ok to go and have some quiet time by himself if he needs to, but its also important to shake off and move on once that's done (to avoid raising a sulker who uses sulking to punish people, I don't think thats what he was doing... but it can go that way!!) rather than sit and stew.

Ignore the posters determined to invent a situation that never happened, they do it for kicks, I assume they have little else going on in their lives and are just bored.

I think because he's so little still. I genuinely dread the day be realises the reality.
My family all talk about the day he realises his dad is a waste of space as if it's going to be a good thing. The thought crushes me. I can't bear the thought of him realising that his dad isn't the capable, together man he should be. He deserves a brilliant dad and he hasn't got it.

That just shows what a lovely person you are. Sorry, I realise my comment sounded like that your relatives' as well. Obviously, you would rather your ex was a decent person, but the next best thing is that your son realises that how his father behaved was not ok.

I know you think he's so little but he's nearly 11 and he's getting to that age when puberty starts. My lovely boy became totally over dramatic about stuff and needed alone time and the smallest things set him off. He just couldn't process all the emotion. He grew out of it but at nearly 16 still has the whole 'it's not fair' thing momentarily and disappearing to his room. You just have to roll with it.
I am in awe of the fact you didn't totally lose your shit. The constant leaving dirty dishes and leaving hankies in pockets does my head in. Plus hoovering the grass.

Single parenthood is hard, especially when their father is useless. The weight of sole responsibility is heavy! You did nothing wrong OP. I commend you trying to raise a boy who is more considerate and domesticated than his father. Keep on reminding him until he picks up good habits and hopefully you will break the cycle.

Almost 11 is more than old enough to make a sandwich, grab some fruit/yoghurt. Let go of the idea that you have to do everything for him because you feel guilty - that won't serve either you or him long term.

It's definitely hard to keep the resentment and bitterness at bay when you're feeling exasperated by your responsibilities but I try hard not to bring my children's dad into it as it unsettles them, referring to his dads weekends as more fun is possibly what upset your DS. These sense your ill feelings towards the other parent even if you believe you're saying it in a neutral way. Keep your focus on you and DS and your family unit. You sound like you're doing a great job! Enjoy the badminton 🏸

You've done nothing wrong in telling your son that he needs to tidy his own things. He probably feels guilty and this is why he's upset and needing time alone to process it. Go and give him a hug as soon as you think he might be receptive and get back to the fun activities you had planned!

At his age he does need to be able to sort out some of his own things around the house. Are there some small jobs you could make his in future and give him some more responsibility?

Completely appreciate how annoying it must be for Disney dad to just make everything fun at his. But you don't have to compete with that. You obviously have a great work ethic and are setting a good example of how adults deal with real life, which your son needs and will recognise as he gets older.

I know, please don't worry.

I know he'll realise one day and I can't control that. I just hope it's when he's a bit older and more emotionally mature to deal with that reality. Right now at 10, I just want to shield him from that and have lovely memories with his dad before he starts to realise how unconventional his dad's life is later down the line. It'll be a horrible time and I'm dreading it.

It's not that you've shouted at him (as you say you haven't), it's that he feels you haven't got time for him.

"I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week."

This focus on other people's children plus household chores on Saturday says you're prioritising everything else.

That’s entirely understandable, but he will always have a different relationship with his father than your relationship with his father than yours as an ex. I can also understand your family think they’re on your side by talking like that — maybe tell them it’s not helpful?

there you go then. nothing for you to feel guilty about. it must have been tough but tbh he did you a favour because he frankly sounds like a loser.

You didn't do anything wrong op. Iv said the same to my teens and pre teens. I'm lucky to be a two parent household, all kids do chores an weekend. No reason dc can't hoover while your cleaning bathroom and wash up or load dishwasher. Sort washing together and teach him how

I didn't tell him that that bit!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What are your ex in laws like? Do they enable their son? One thing that always astonishes me on here is the number of men who just go running back to mummy and daddy when they have cheated on their wives or run out on them in other ways, and the parents (usually the mothers!) just accept it. If a son of mine treated his wife that way, he would not be spending a second under my roof nor getting a penny in help from me. If he tried to whine to me about his wife he would get short shrift.

I genuinely think you need some help to deal with how YOU feel about his dad.

It comes across how much you care, but you are not helping your son by trying to hide his real father from him. It is a lot of emotional pressure on your son and he is not free to come to you for support with the reality of his life because you are investing so much energy in trying to hide the truth.

I agree with your family - it will be much better for your son when he is able to live in the reality. You have to get yourself sorted - it shouldn't be crushing you.

Yeah I have... I think they're just stuck in the frame of mind where they're sticking up for me. I've explained over and over again that this realisation won't bring me any kind of "justice". I don't care about that. All I care about is that DS has fully functioning, capable parents. Sadly the day that dream is shattered will come...

And this 'he's ruined his life' - seriously this is such a damaging way to think.

He has not ruined his life, your son has the potential to have a wonderful life.

Just because your child is upset, it does not follow that it is reasonable for him to be upset. Nor does it mean that his emotions are appropriate. Being upset does not put the other person in the right.

You did not raise your voice, or loose it, you were reasonably assertive, and you offered an explanation of what you needed him to do and why.

This is just everyday parenting stuff, and not abuse, as some are making out here.