Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

Sorry, I haven't read all the thread but do you think that he could possibly have been really upset because he feels bad because he's added to your to do list. I know that's how one of my children responds when I pull her up on things ( tiny bit older). They have high expectations of their own behaviour and when it falls short, they get very upset with themselves.

With regard to feeling bad about you having more responsibilities and having less fun time, I really wouldn't be so hard on yourself. He's almost 11. He no longer needs constant entertaining, he has friends and gadgets for that.

He's old enough now to understand that love manifests inself in different ways. And that the daily grind, the keeping the household going, providing a safe and comfortable home to grow up in, and looking after his needs by cooking him breakfast yada yada is a far better indicator of love that taking someone to a trampoline park or playing badminton even! Kids aren't daft, they know who's there for them at the end of the day and this means a whole lot more than the cherry on the top type of things we do with them.

You life sounds quite exhausting, single parent, SEN teacher etc. I hope you make sure you have down time too. After the flurry of Saturday morning chores, I'd want a bit of a rest!

Anyhow, I hope he got over it and that you both ended up doing something nice. X

No you aren’t being unreasonable. And honestly ram this home to him. Otherwise he’ll end up being the irritating men we’re all stuck with as partners now whose mums did everything for them and who complain at having to lift their tiny precious pinkies

I’ve put YABU mainly because you are doing it all yourself and the reality is that at 11 he should be doing it with you. Spend a morning together doing all the jobs and then you can have the remainder of the weekend having fun.

Aargh tissue in pockets 😩 makes me 🤪happens all the time here if I don’t check .
He sounds very sensitive and that he went up to feel sorry for himself .
If he is out now with neighbourhood kids then he’s obviously absolutely fine .
And you’re doing amazing 🤩.
He just needs to learn if he helps you a bit / makes less work for you then that equals more time with you !
Simple !
I have a big domestic workload ( large family, large home ) mine might have a whinge for a few minutes that I was busy but then they went off to play with each other / do something else till I was free.
I did say that if chores were shared it would be quicker sometimes they’d help but find it boring and tiring after a while.

OP
It’s simple: you yourself say you have a lot of patience as your a SEN teacher, It’s the calm quiet person who gets really heard when they speak up.
you probably don’t need to loose your temper or get emotional for your son to hear your frustration. To him he probably is sensitive to your subtle behaviour changes.
Whorking in an environment where you managed other’s emotions and triggers 24/7 during work hours it’s easy to let that behaviour become strong in use outside of work so that when his mum turns around kindly pointing out her frustration at his behaviour that has caused her a harder morning of chores all because she wants to spend time with him it really gets heard and hits hard.
If this is the case then absolutely YANBU and its okay for you to share this with him and him to feel upset, both of you are having healthy responses and it’s good.
the important thing is to go upstairs and validate his feelings for him because it’s hard to have feelings around a mum who is so good at managing his feelings that he possibly doesn’t often get to be cross and hurt by you. It’s good he’s getting to be upset and it’s good you are great at communicating with him. Let him know it’s okay for him to tell you you upset him and how much you love him and that you’re sorry, but glad he and you can have and talk about having a bit of a bad day.
In short in my view: you are probably both so good at communicating that neither may be well practiced when you upset each other. If that helps?

If you go there and it sounds like you are starting to think about going there, 2 things

1. Maybe focus on what is a good example of a good role model dad and not focus on how his own dad is a bad roll model, he will totally join the dots if he hasn’t already but above all keep being his role model in how you manage that bridge.
2. Never use emotionally hard days as the setting to go there with your son. It could possibly switch the parent child dynamic,
3. I strongly suspect from what you say in your posts that at his age your son will already know you and his dad are at opposite ends of what he can count on for reliability and countability, even if you haven’t heard him formulate it into words, It’s possible he will have further opportunities as he travels through his teens to appreciate who is responsible and has his back even if it means groundings for bad behaviour.
4. adults tend to look back on parents appropriately parenting them fondly for how it’s shaped them.