Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

10 is definitely old enough to put plates back in the kitchen, take tissues out of pockets before putting in the laundry and helping out with chores. The more he does, the quicker you will both be free to enjoy the day.

So he’s sulking in his room because you weren’t immediately available to play with him? It’s manipulative behaviour…. something he’s picked up from his Dad?? You are entirely reasonable to ask him to empty his pockets and put his plates etc away. Crikey, if 10/11 year olds are that incapable then no wonder secondary schools are struggling to educate effectively when they get there!! @BringBackLilt - you’re doing a great job and it’s really important he learns to be part of a household rather than a permanent taker.

OP, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. He’s old enough to help out, follow simple instructions and do some chores around the house. He will be a better person for it in the long run. It may be hard but he will see the type of man his father is eventually. Would it be an option to get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week to help you with some of the load. No one can be everything to anyone. Cut yourself some slack.

whys he cryin?

You are probably both a bit knackered and stressed after the week. When you are doing the chores on Saturday morning what is your son doing? Possibly he feels a bit in the way/ unconsidered. Does he need a bit of routine and structure or is he happy just mooching about on his own? Does he have any chores of his own to do like stripping the bed for example. Enjoy your glass of wine, then go and build some bridges and figure out something enjoyable to do together. In a few years he'll be off with his friends all day and won't want to do anything with you. x

My lovely DF was a kind, patient man, very slow to show annoyance.
DM, on the other hand, although an equally kind and caring parent, got annoyed more easily, but it soon "blew over", and I learned pretty young to wait for it to do just that!
I can still remember the few occasions in my childhood when DF had Serious Words with me, because they were so rare, and I knew that the shit was getting real!
I suspect that your DS is a bit shaken that Mum finally reached the end of her tether, and is old enough to know that he should accept some responsibility.
He's reaching an age where he has probably worked out who is the real grownup out of the two of you, and he relies on that solid security.

Because he's suddenly realised that big people have big emotions.

He'll get through it. It's part of growing up. The only reason OP's stymied by it is because she could point to a specific thing she did to set it off. Usually these things are more general.

Why do you think you've been a cow, you sound soft as shit. He's 11 not 2 he doesn't need entertaining and for you to play with him. He needs to either amuse himself or you can find him jobs to do. I don't understand why he's crying, is this the first time he heard the word no before

I genuinely don't think you said anything wrong mentioning the dad you were just explaining why the weekends are different nothing wrong with that. Don't think your being a martyr either just being kind and setting a good example for your son! Again nothing wrong with that! Definitely get him more involved in chores though I grew up in a house where both parents worked full time so from about that age I always had a list of chores to be done and I knew my mum and dad worked hard so I could have the stuff I needed and that was my way of helping

You sound like you’ve had a very full on day OP but have managed to fit in a and time MNing so it’s a win all round imho.

Stop apologising to your son. He can't be the centre of your universe all the time. Life doesn't work like that and it isn't good for him to think it does.

You've got chores to do and they need doing (despite other posters who seem to think otherwise). The laundry doesn't do itself and life isn't a Doris Day movie. He'll have to wait or entertain himself whilst you're busy. End of.

Op, single parent here who worked full time through out, you will have good days when the little one is an absolute darling and helps out with half of the shores, and bad days when things like what happened today happen… whether you are a single parent or not. <don’t forget this last sentence.

I tried to act like a team with DS, I expected him to cook a proper dinner at least once a week since he was 8, he was sorting his own breakfast and getting ready in the morning without prompting since about the same age. I made it clear that he was the centre of my world but that I also needed consideration and do things I find fun myself as well, so one day of the weekend was for us to do whatever child oriented thing he wanted and one for us to do whatever less child friendly stuff I wanted (no complaints accepted from either of us when it was not our day).

So he was doing the laundry, cooking from an early age, and being a very considerate child. You would think I have done my work right, but not, I am sure he lives out of pot of noodles at uni and can’t even pair his socks nowadays. So the moral of the story is… ignore what people say, do your best and rest assured that no matter how hard you try, how well you do, there will be something that you will do VERY VERY wrong… whether you are a single parent or not.

So enjoy your kid as much as possible and your afternoon off. Enjoy as much time with him as, I can assure you, once he gets into his teens you will miss the little guy who wanted your attention all the time and was always happy to be out and about with you.

My only suggestion, as a single parent, would be to start doing Flylady missions every evening (it takes only 15-20 minutes each day) so you have the whole weekend free to rest and recover from the busy week and enjoy your child 🙂

Hi OP my view is he's just an emotional normal 10 year old.

Two things would make life easier for you

1. Robot lawnmower
2. Stop doing neighbours lawn.

Hope the rest of your weekend is nice

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP. I think the waterworks have been turned on to try and stop future requests. Like when blokes wash up badly so you do it yourself in future.

Don't be suckered. He's old enough to empty his own pockets before putting in the laundry basket.

If he leaves a tissue in again make it his job to pick all the bits off outside.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. Enjoy the rest of the weekend with your son.

i would try to give him more responsibility so it doesn’t all fall to you. Does he put his own washing away? Cook/ make any of his own meals/snacks? If not then he could do those, even with you if you wanted so although you are still doing it you are spending time together/ making mess/laughing and joking/ together etc. Same with after dinner clearing up too, make it fun by having a race/ disco or something. Have Alexa tell you it’s time every day so it’s coming from her to you both rather than you again saying it has to be done.

With the washing thing could you make a picture for above the laundry basket with the steps on so 1. empty pockets 2. put in right colour basket etc. and just direct him to the chart rather than it be nagging.

You are a team so I hope you manage to work something out so you are not doing everything.

What's he crying about?

I'm a single parent op and I feel your pain about spending a day of the weekend doing the jobs. The things you mentioned are fairly normal comments to kids 'bring your dishes to the sink' 'make sure you empty your pockets before putting clothes in the wash'

My dd might have sighed a bit but she wouldn't be crying about being told the above.

Is he normally so over sensitive?

Thank you all for your comments. It really does mean a lot to have outside, objective views ❤️

I think he has been a bit more sensitive of late - prob down to hormones? I'm not sure what the tears were about still! I only mentioned weekends feeling different with his dad after the event.

He does do things like put his washing away and strip his bed weekly. He's honestly such a good boy. We have so much fun together and I'm so proud of the young man he's growing to be. He's respectful and kind and hard working and is so affectionate towards me. We're a lovely team for the most part.

What I've taken away from this thread is that I need to stop feeling like I need to do EVERYTHING in order to compensate for a hole I cannot fill. I'm cognisant of the fact I'm doing this...I just need to stop.

also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household you basically slagged off his dad

No it's not. He's heard the word no many, many times before. That's how I've managed to raise a usually respectful and hardworking young boy single handedly. This is why today's outburst has thrown me.

I have been a teacher for over 15 years. I have no issue with setting boundaries for children. It was purely his reaction that threw me.

Oh for god's sake. Just go away. I did no such thing. I spoke plain facts. His dad doesn't have to do any of those things. For the first time in almost 10 years I mentioned the difference in our lifestyles. If that makes me a bad person I really am past caring.

He's going to see it as an attack on his dad

It's the reality. A fact. That's up to his dad to explain why he's not self sufficient at the age of 43. I'm done with covering for him. I'm not slagging him off. I'm just being honest.

Threads like this really make it plain why so many kids are fucking nightmares today. So many people believe it’s unfair and cruel to ask a kid to actually take some responsibility for themselves.

Yup I know that and you know that. But he will just see it as a point scoring attack