Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

I think that’s a good takeaway. Cut yourself some slack here. You sound as if you have terribly high standards for yourself because your ex isn’t an effective co-parent, and you want to do your best for your boy.

@HuevoRanchero love your name! 😁

@HuevosRancheros was already taken!

😁

It’s a good thing that you have recognised that you’re being a bit hard on yourself. I do however think that you are setting him a good example by helping your neighbour and I disagree with the people saying you shouldn’t do that ( within reason of course if it’s something that doesn’t take too long).

Thank you x

It's only a tiny patch of grass at the front. It doesn't take long for me , but it's obviously a big deal for him to have to do it.

Some of you going on as if a 10 year old is a baby 🙄

@BringBackLilt you weren’t unreasonable at all. Glad everything turned out well x

And to those talking about resentment...
Yep, I hold deep, deep resentment for him. He treated me (and his son by association) appallingly.
And after all of that, he's still not got his shit together to provide a home for his son almost a decade later.
Despite all this, I've welcomed him into my home with a smile and kindness. Sat with him through every parent's evening etc, despite that being very upsetting for me. My son has no idea there is anything amiss whatsoever. He thinks we're friends. Which we are, on the surface.

This is the single and only time I have ever mentioned why our prospective weekends might look different. And I raised it because it will be obvious to my son that when he goes to his dad's, he's not being asked to do anything he's asked to do when he's at home. And the being asked to do things is the crux of this whole issue.

Don't know why I'm explaining myself. Perhaps because I've spent years biting my tongue.
Me pointing out the reality of our set ups is I don't think unreasonable.

OP, I hear you. My exh left me to raise our ds alone. I also worked full time as a teacher - one of the least flexible jobs. I couldn't see him in sports days or assemblies. I couldn't stay home with him if he was ill (and he had a significant health issue meaning he was hospitalised on occasion). And our Saturdays were grocery shopping and chores.
Like you, I had no choice. I completely understand how your life has to run. From a tiny child, my ds had jobs - things like sorting laundry into whites and colours, putting his toys away. I taught him to make a sandwich when he was about 5 and we used to spend after tea making our packed lunches together (I used to cut his sandwich for him). We did play too, but he knew that we had to do shopping and washing first, otherwise there would be no food to eat and no clean clothes to wear.
Unlike his friends, we didn't go on holiday and treats like the cinema were rare. But he had a clean, warm home, a parent who prioritised his stability every single day and our routine gave him security as well as enabling him to develop independence and resourcefulness. My parents were a fabulous support system in emergencies and I am forever grateful to them for their help, but the buck stopped with me for everything. Every. Single. Day.
Unless you've been in that situation, you can't possibly understand the relentlessness of holding everything together all the time. Being spontaneous is a luxury. Letting things go is a luxury. You are not being a martyr or a drudge - this is just how things need to be in this situation. And you are absolutely not unreasonable in expecting your ds to do basic chores like checking his dirty clothes, putting plates away and keeping his room tidy.
2 decades later, I am in awe of the man my ds has become. He is independent, and confident and he has a real drive to do things. He has just started a summer job in retail and in his first week has already received two incredible online reviews from customers thanking him personally for his exceptional service.
Like you, I am so sad that he hasn't had a dad who prioritised him as a child (it's nearly a decade since he even heard from him and about 15 years since he received a birthday or Christmas present) but my ds sees him for what he is and has no interest in having any contact with him. We do, however, have a collection of cherished memories of simple things like singing in the car together, watering the garden, building flat pack furniture, pizza Fridays and trips to the dump!
It hasn't been the childhood I wanted for him, but he's thriving anyway and people like him. You are doing a fabulous job and keeping your expectations of your ds high and holding him to his (very reasonable) responsibilities will only stand him in good stead for the future. Well done - you're doing a tough job in less than ideal circumstances.

He sounds a bit young for his age (?) and probably just threw a strop when you put your foot down about the chores as he's not used to you doing that. Maybe is also a bit hormonal given the tears. I really wouldn't worry too much about it as a one off.

However can I just add OP I think you did the right things pointing out why there is a difference between you and his father's weekends. He needs to understand that. Whilst you are doing the right thing not slagging your ex off to your son, on the other hand don't defend him & his crappy life choices either or paint a false happy clappy picture to your son.

Eventually he will work out what his Dad is like and if he feels you've lied to him for years it will affect your relationship. . Even saying that on the surface you appear to be 'friends' - your son will have a sense that's not true but not know why and that may make him feel insecure. It's OK for him to know you don't like your ExH and (age appropriate) reasons why.

I had a shit father and always knew that from a young age, my mother didn't have to pretend luckily! But I have friends whose Mum's were a bit too positive and upbeat about their ExH's and made excuses for the his bad behaviour or stepped in knowing he wouldn't do things for the kids e.g buying birthday and Christmas presents 'from him' and saying he was busy/working/ not well when he failed to turn up to see them. The kids ended up idolising their Dad until that time he really majorly let them down or screwed up and they realised and it hit them like a ton of bricks. Ironically they were almost angrier at their mother than the useless father.

It's a fine balance, but just don't feel you have to protect your son from the truth at all times. Let him come to the understanding of who his father really is slowly and in his own way.

In a nutshell, you shouldn’t criticise things he cannot change. It is not his fault that his dad is who he is, and if you criticise his dad you are putting your kid in the middle of the conflict as it is natural for him to feel loyalty towards both of you.

You don’t want him to end up feeling responsible for this bad situation, or guilty as if his dad left you holding the baby. I know he did and does but again, that is not your child’s fault or something your child can change.

Personally, what worked for me was to asume his dad was dead. The moment I stopped expecting him to behave like a responsible father things become much, much, much easier. He was not going to help anyway so I was just harbouring a lot of resentment and frustration which made parenting my child more difficult as his dad’s behaviour was taking most of my patience band width IYKWIM. There was also the time when I finally realised that it was much easier parenting my child alone than parenting him alone with a partner behaving like a selfish petulant toddler.

What I would suggest is don’t even mention his dad, if he asks you why he does it doesn’t do “x”, you say the truth: You don’t know (then distract and change the subject)

If he idealises his dad, leave him to it, they pander to the parent they feel more insecure with (a great indicator that your child feels safe and happy with you is that he takes you for granted).

If you are fed up with a lot of work, don’t criticise his dad, just ask your child to help or forget about the stuff that needs doing for an hour or two until you feel less stressed (Believe me, it is not going to disappear, you can always get back to it at another time). And remember, good enough is good enough. You don’t look like a person who is going to end up living in a cluttered dirty house if you leave things to pile for a day or two.

A piece of advice about the supermarket: if you are working long hours: buy frozen vegetables (note I didn’t say ready meals), cook for 4 and freeze half of it. Keep 2 litres of longlife milk always at home for emergencies and order supermarket deliveries for weekday nights. If you do this all the time, you avoid the absolute blooming stressful hell that the supermarket is in the weekends.

I completely get you op! I have a 11 year old and my goodness I've told him a millions times to put his dirty plates/cups in the dishwasher, nope always left on the counter, I am human too, there comes a point where it's gets extremely frustrating, I swear this generation of kids are something else, he'll also be in tears for reasons beyond me.
I don't know if it's the hormones, he can be really rude to me but wouldn't be rude to his dad, bc he's the fun parent.
Some of the posters are giving u a hard time, either they have perfect kids or they were a nightmare themselves as children.

I'm sorry sounds like a stressful situation. I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable, because it sounds tough, but it does sound like you're struggling. Is it possible to do some of the jobs together so it's not just like you're doing everything and getting frustrated? Kids are going to get tissues in pockets, I know it's annoying, and if everything is full on it can feel like it's just one more thing, but it's not the end of the world

Please give yourself, and him a break.

I just need ru reiterate, I have never criticised his dad and I didn't do that today.
I just pointed out why his weekend with him is different to mine, I honestly didn't say any more than that. Just the fact that he's not running a household so that's why he has more time. And left it at that. There was no criticism.

Thank you for the advice though, I genuinely appreciate it and I'll take it on board x

I hope OP things are better now and you’ve managed to have some fun together.
I wonder if this topic was just generally sensitive for your DS not because you’ve told / haven’t told him something but just because he is a bit sad about you and his dad not be together. He is getting older, understands more and probably is thinking about things more. And it’s a tricky subject emotionally.
You’ve done nothing wrong, you sound a really great mum.

Wait til he’s at his Dad’s then. You shouldn’t be even thinking about what chores his Dad doesn’t have, it’s neither here nor there.

But she’s says she did though.

You're not being unreasonable AT ALL! The situation is what it is - you calmly explained things to him & you're now 'all his' for Sat aft & all of Sun - that's plenty of 'fun time' together! The other stuff has to get done - you have no choice - he's old enough to see that & even help you with some of it! Don't feel guilty & don't apologise to him for being a good mum & role model! X

Sorry, but that is the same as criticising his dad, just stop bringing him into the conversation, there’s no need to be comparing who is worse off as by doing that you are actually implying your child that he is a burden to you more than to his dad because he spends more time with you.

In the nicest way, your child knows that already, he sees how busy you are, no need to put the boot in.

I think I would try and involve him more in the jobs if you can. He double checks his pockets immediately before they go in the wash. Could you show him how to mow the grass?

I suspect the tears were because he felt guilty.

Goodness me. I do not "keep on" bringing him into the conversation. Why are you insisting this?
I said this once, to highlight why I have less time.
My son certainly does not think he's a burden to me and me saying that does not imply that.

And I've repeatedly said that I won't say it again.

Why then, do YOU "keep going on"?

Too bad. Honestly, leave the OP alone. She is doing a really good job under less than ideal circumstances and it will all work out fine. Why are you being mean to her?

Yes, of course! Why didn't I think of that?!

I'll do the laundry and clean the bathroom and the many other jobs that need doing weekly every 14 days. I'm sure that'll be fine.

I doubt your ds is sad because you asked him to take tissues out of his pockets, or because you weren't free to play until 1pm.

Something in your words or tone upset him - implied criticism or comparison with his dad probably. We deal with this nonsense at school all the time. He doesn't need 'sorry I'm not a Disney parent like your dad is'. He doesn't need to know any of that. He just needs to know that you'll be free in half an hour and can't wait to play with him.