Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

I can't stand the Disney dad thing . Sometimes I find myself having a slag of session on here because i feel so frustrated. That he has no true responsibility. And tje sun shines out of his arse. Sorry not helpful.

But no your not being a cow. Can he you help you out a bit? Ut would be good if he could. I get my boys to do little bits because I don't want them to be like their father

It's about building relationship rather than managing him. You have a plan and a vision that you're telling him and expecting him to fall in with. Then telling him that he's making your life harder. That must hurt when you are his age- he knows how hard you work, he really does.

Weekends are shared time and there's loads to do. Instead of ploughing on so you'll be free later, and viewing everything that slows you down as an obstacle, have a conversation about the plan for the weekend.

I'm mowing first, can you check there are no plates and cups hanging about?

Oh no, there's tissues in the pocket. I hate it when that happens. We'll have to check our pockets more carefully.

He need to know these things make a difference, yes, but not to be told

......he's making your life even more difficult than it already is, because of your useless father and and his feckless Disney dad ways, while I have to work all the hours god sends to keep a roof over our heads and keep you in cornflakes....

Just because you said it calmly doesn't mean he missed the emotions beneath what you said.

Yes he is crying because he is feeling needlessly sorry for himself. Go and have a chat then get on with having fun with him.

You wrote he was in tears!

why are you now attacking posters ?

It's probably a "woe is me" cry. I did a lot of this as a kid. You think your friends are all having the best most brilliant weekend with their happy perfect families and you're thinking "why can't I have that? Why is my life so hard?". It's just immaturity.

Don’t feel guilty.
He’s 11 not 5.
You should probably make him help more then he may understand what needs doing.

@Sillystrumpet being "in tears" doesn't equate to sobbing. And as for attacking - this feels like exactly what you're doing!

OP don't listen to this nonsense. You're human! You're exhausted, overworked and doing the job of 2 parents. Ok so maybe it wasn't ideal - but kids need to know that we are human. And yes - he does need to empty his pockets and put plates away. I'm still trying, and mine are late teens!!

I'd just go up and have a chat. I'd probably apologise for taking it out on him (I'm a big fan of teaching kids to apologise by example) but then explain all that you've said here, and give him a hug.

It sounds like you need a break. Life is bloody tough sometimes.

I would stop what ever I was doing if my kids needed me as I did have that with my mother.
I can clean up when kids was in bed or if I wasn't needed I kinda worked round them.

You need to train your DS out of this carry on OP. You made a mild request for his help with full explanation and he's turned it into a drama, portraying himself as a victim and making you feel inappropriately guilty. This needs nipping in the bud before it becomes a pattern of behaviour that will result in him growing up to be manipulative. I'd tell him that you are free and ready to play Badminton, an offer that's on the table for the next half hour. If in that time he hasn't 'recovered' enough to want to play, then you'll get on with something else. No more apologies. You've done nothing wrong.

10 is a really hard age. I think that you have handled the whole situation brilliantly. You definitely won't be raising a man child! Boundaries are important and wonderful learning strategies.

I think don’t mentioning his dad in comparisons is good, you are making him feel bad that he has a dad who is [insert description on choice even if it’s lucky] and a mum who is [insert work of choice resentful/angry/exhausted] and he might feel upset and trapped that the situation feels bad and then he has made it worse with his tissues etc.

If you are doing jobs and DS resents it and you feel the need to say something you’d be better saying ‘taking care of the house and washing feels a bit of a chore but it’s lovely when it’s done and we can enjoy it all clean and tidy and just for us’

10 is also old enough to discuss the weekend routine with and agree how activities and chores will fit in that suits him. He is also old enough to speed you up by changing his own bed and putting out the recycling.

Maybe you would be better putting him ahead of the jobs for now because he’ll soon be a teen sleeping in till 11 and then it won’t matter if you do the jobs before spending time with him because he’ll be asleep!

So teach them not to!

I would try to be less negative and martyrish when talking to him.

Instead if he is home with nothing to do involve him positively. Ask him to take on the task of checking all his pockets before the laundry is loaded and out the load on switch on the machine. Get him gardening gloves to help with the weeding.

If you are struggling with the extra workload of mowing your ndn lawn and it is a negative impact on your workload/mood don't do it.

Ds should be helping you make breakfast and lunch, make it into an activity together, learning to be independent in the kitchen, chatting about things while doing it. Soon he will be able to make you lunch.

Get him into the working together as a team mindset. He helps, make it fun and the jobs get done quicker.

I don't think you've done anything wrong..
It sounds like he's a kind sensitive boy abd now he feels guilty. It was probably just thoughtlessness on his part, and he's now sad that he didn't take more care.
My son is the same. You don't need to raise your voice to him or anything.. if he feels he has done something wrong he sometimes just gets quite upset with himself about it. He's 9.
I usually just go and reassure him that I love him and he's a good person.. that what he did may have been wrong or careless but that all he needs to do is try and be a bit more thoughtful about what he's doing in the future.. he doesn't need to get really distressed about it.

It just sounds like your son is a sensitive lad which is good in many ways. He probably just needs a bit of reassurance that you are still proud of him and it's just about trying a bit harder to remember to do some of these things in future.

Stop talking shit.

@RobertaFirmino agreed

He's sulking, good for you not wanting to raise a spoilt brat!

He just loves you loads and wants one on one time with you & is too little to articulate//understand what hes feeling etc...as hard as it is, just leave everything, do something lovely together like play on the garden a couple of hours.

Thank you all, I genuinely do welcome all feedback, as I'm sure all single parents know it's quite hard to know if you're handling things well when there's not another adult to run it by.

I really do remind him regularly of all the little jobs he needs to do to help out. Like the tissues thing. Many, many times. That's why it's so frustrating when he still does it.

He's come round now and just having a shower before we play badminton. He said he felt he overreacted, to which I said was totally fine, we all do it and that the day is totally ours now.

Written by someone who has raised three well adjusted considerate adults.

With kindness, I did say this in my op. These jobs were not an all day thing. Once a few hours were up I am all his.

I'm afraid I can't let things like the lawn and washing slide. If I don't do them, no one else will. Then it will get out of control and I will be spending much, much longer getting back on track. Time away from him.

I understand your frustration. You've apologised. Now I think at his age, you need to start teaching him how to help around the house. Do not raise another feckless man like his father. He's now old enough to learn how to do his own laundry, then show him how to wash dishes properly, how to vacuum.

There's no excuse at his age not to learn these things. If you both work as a team together getting the housework done, that frees up more time for you to relax and do the fun things together.

Once he gets used to it, I'm sure it'll make him appreciate what you do for him.

All the best x

He's plenty old enough to be considerate and helpful.

I would have a chat with him, apologize if you were too harsh and say that you love him and spending time with him, but really need some help from him to facilitate that.

He could definitely be doing some laundry and making a lunch for example. And you should not be picking up his toys at that age.

If it were me finding tissues in the wash I would make my child come and do the wash again. Not to be cruel, but to really make it sink in that carelessness creates extra work.

Attacking posters?! 😂

I think this might be a slight overreaction. I have not attacked anyone.