Have a just been a cow?

[BringBackLilt]

I've been non stop so far all day. Made DS a cooked breakfast, mowed the back lawn, mowed neighbours front lawn (he's disabled and can't really manage it) weeded, done 3 loads of laundry, made DS lunch, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.

Spoke to DS about leaving things around the house that add to my load - leaving empty plates around, things not being put away after they're used/played with etc. And then spoke to him about not leaving tissues in his pockets after putting clothes on the laundry basket, after pulling a load out covered in tissue along with a pen that had leaked. Pissed off to have to do the load all over again.

I didn't shout, just explained that I have to do everything in the house (single parent) so these small things that I ask him to do build up and matter. I apologised that sometimes a day at the weekend is taken up with me getting jobs done. I work full time and have a big work load outside of working hours so I can't generally do too much during the week. I also said that I appreciate that hos weekends with his dad are probably more fun because his dad doesn't have to run a household (lives with his parents - a long and pathetic story...) so I do feel guilty that I have to spend weekend times doing the drudge. I had promised that well play in the garden once I'm done. I'm done now, but he's in tears upstairs, saying he needs some time alone. Fucking hell.
so I'm sat with a glass of wine in the garden feeling guilty, exhausted and frankly a bit confused.

There's none of this dynamic with his dad. Fucking Disney all the way because plainly speaking his father doesn't live like an adult. He has none of these responsibilities, so is permanently chirpy.

Now I feel horrible.

I just pointed out how our weekends together might be different and the reasons why
But how does that help him?

I don't want him to think that I'm deliberately avoiding spending time with him and that my time is more limited than the time he gets with his dad because I have things to do that need doing

With the greatest respect, you did avoid playing with him, if my child was desperate for me to play with him, i would hold off mowing the neighbours lawn, play with my child for a bit, then maybe mow the neighbours lawn.

It's great he is playing with his friends, and he now happy he has someone to play with.

Now I'm confused...
Some posters are telling me not to mention his dad and others are telling me he should be aware of what he's really like.
This is so hard.
All I know is that right now he's 10
He loves his dad and thinks he's the bee's knees.
I don't want to be the person to shatter that illusion. Or is that me being a coward?? I just don't want my beautiful boy to feel like he's been let down.

I think OP was referring to her ex ruining his own life perhaps?

Have a lovely game of badminton OP.

Maybe time son pitches in a bit, at an appropriate level of course. Being an SEN teacher, you’ll know that kids need reminding a lot about things. Before you do the washing, ask him to check the pockets etc.

I didn't avoid playing with him!! I told him when I was done at 12.30, the rest of the day was ours! His strop was about picking up after himself, not me not playing with him!!

He’ll make up his own mind about his dad as he grows up.

Stay neutral about it.

You aren’t a cow but you do sound a bit martyr-ish. Agree things like lawn mowing could be done when he’s at his dad’s? Obviously some jobs will always need doing and kids can spend some time entertaining themselves. He isn’t a baby but is very young still. He was upset so something must have made him so.

Like the majority of children with shit fathers he will become aware on his own, in his own time. I did - it took me a while but as I grew up I saw him for what he was. My mother used to say nice things about him, she thought she was doing the right thing but it was inauthentic and I felt it. She did her absolute best in difficult circumstances but her guilt shone through and was unsettling. She would have been better off saying the minimal and just trust that we'd be fine figuring it out ourselves.

I'm not being a martyr 🙄
My next door neighbour is blind. He needs help sometimes. So I help him.

I don't think you necessarily have to do or say anything. Your son will no doubt come to the realisation on his own as he gets into his teens.

My dad was also useless, no one needed to tell me so. And my mum telling me about all the awful things he had done before he walked out was pretty upsetting (not saying you would do this!)

I would just take the high road and be neutral about his dad, no need to pretend he's a great guy but no need to be negative either.

Yes to all of this!

You posted Just to say I've spent 9 years being relentlessly positive about his dad, never, ever said a bad word about him, despite him being utterly useless and an incredibly poor role model. I genuinely have kept it all in and been positive about his dad.

Do not be 'relentlessly positive', just be briefly factual in a calm way.

If dad is late, don't say either 'Dad must have had a good reason because he would never want to let you down' or 'Dad is an unreliable so-and-so, you should never trust him' - the correct thing to say is 'Yes dad was late.'

I didn't say his dad has ruined his son's life at all.

I said he's ruined his own life. Nine years later and a heap of debt from gambling and drinking (where he stole money from out of our joint account for our child to fund) he's still living with his parents. At 43. So no. It's not damaging to describe it that way
He absolutely has ruined his own life. I'm just trying to protect my child in the best way I can.

It was nice of you to help him, but you didn't have to help him before you spent some time with your own family. You chose to do that.

It is playing the martyr to pretend you have to help, rather than accepting it was a free choice you could have done differently.

I understand. Your post was not clear to me, and now you have explained.

No, I didn't assume you'd actually said it to your DS.

I also don't think he needs to hear you say it to know it.

I don't think you were being a cow, it's reasonable to ask him to take tissues out of his pockets etc. I think where you may have gone wrong is over explaining and over apologising, especially comparing weekends at his Dad's with weekends at home. I would just be matter of fact in future and say that you're getting the jobs done on Saturday morning and can go out etc later. Could you have come across a bit martyrish and made him feel guilty? Lots of people have chores to do at the weekend, in future give him the option of either helping you or amusing himself for a couple of hours.

@BringBackLilt he’s plenty old enough to have some chores plus some extra jobs to earn pocket money. Will help him become the kind of young man who cares for his partner instead of expecting to be waited on hand and foot, too. Not tons but stripping duvet covers, emptying dishwasher or at least putting used crocks in there, or learning to wash up as he goes. Just so he understands what goes into running a home 😄. Try not to demonstrate a model where Mum runs herself into the ground while everyone else has their feet up 🤣

I also agree with being neutral and factual about his Dad. He'll form his own opinion as he gets older.

The things you are asking him to do are totally reasonable for a 10 year old.
Parents are preparing their kids for adulthood constantly and knowing not to wash clothes with tissues in the pockets will save him a load of hassle when he does his own laundry. Ditto putting his stuff away. One of mine learnt the hard way when after ignoring me for the nth time his stuff went in the bin. All of it. He was older than 11 though.

Time he's started to fend himself, 11 is old enough to make himself, and you, a bacon butty while you do the laundry. Equally, he could be kind and do the neighbours lawn (which is a lovely thing for you to do in the first place💐).

Ignore the Disney dad stuff, yours is a different relationship.

@Sillystrumpet When a child becomes upset
after being corrected by a caregiver, this does not automatically mean that the caregiver is at fault, or that being upset is reasonable.

Being upset does not make you right! It can be weaponised to manipulate others though.

I didn't avoid playing with him!!

Well, he had to wait longer while you prioritised the neighbour.

I told him when I was done at 12.30, the rest of the day was ours! His strop was about picking up after himself, not me not playing with him!!

Yes as you have now mentioned I think maybe look at the way you frame those discussions, as I'm sure it's not helpful to be referring back to dad when you are explaining the load he is adding to you buy not taking a tissue out if his pocket etc. He is 10, it's the weekend, it should be easy going for him.

Apologise, enjoy your wine and he enjoy his time with his friends.

By 11 my dc were filling the dishwasher after the evening meal, changing their own beds and responsible for putting away all their “stuff” everyday.
I explained that we ALL live in the house and lots of jobs need to be shared so we can have a clean, tidy and happy house.

You have don’t absolutely nothing wrong.

Don't worry about his relationship with his dad. He'll be able to love his dad, while still recognising he's a twit.

He can love his dad and know he's lazy/irresponsible/unreliable etc.

He can feel all that because you are stable and reliable. You love him and are reliable and make sure his needs are met. That means when dad demonstrates he's flaky, all DS will think is, oh dear dad is flaky. It's not a survival issue.

When your parents are flaky and they are all you have- that's when it's damaging.

He'll be fine.

And kindly- try and let go of the stress about 'having to do all this on your own'. Try and reframe it as 'no longer juggling all this and an idiot partner' or 'being an independent woman able to manage all this shit'.
Smell the coffee, and dust tomorrow. You will feel better for it.

I had two tiers of jobs - ones that get worse if you ignore them, like washing and mowing, and ones like vacuuming which actually makes no difference if you do it weekly or fortnightly.
Change the sheets less often. Let a few balls roll away. It will be ok, it isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of prioritising something else.