In-laws want DC so ‘we can both have a break’

[RedLeicesterRedLeicester]

In process of divorcing. STBXH moving out in next few weeks. It’s been months of us in the same house but separated.

I have continued (happily) to do the lions share of childcare for DC 2 & 5. The plan is DH will have them around 6 out of 14 days. I’m so sad about this and the prospect of it is breaking my heart.

In laws mentioned to STBXH at the weekend they would happily have our DC for a few days or even a week over the summer so we could both have a break. They mentioned this to DH who said it to me. I said, well if we were still a couple, great, but we don’t need a break at the same time. I’m just not up for being without them any longer than need be.

MIL & I have a good relationship and I want to nurture it. But today she messaged me with same idea.

I seriously don’t get what everybody else is not getting? Why would I want them to go away for a week without seeing them half the time anyway??

What I want to say is they are welcome to have them anytime on DHs time but not in mine! I don’t mean to be aggressive or confrontational but it seems obvious to me.

Do other people see it differently?

Are ILS aware you're separated or belive you're still together or working on things or something

I would just message her something like ‘you are more than welcome to see the DC whenever you like and thank you for the kind offer. However I am already struggling with the idea of only seeing my children 50% of the time so I won’t need you to have them for me any time soon’

They haven’t changed their mind set to the new reality.

I would find this incredibly hard, Op. I have 50/50 custody with my ex-h and the time they're with their dad is so hard. Over the summer school holidays, we split it evenly, but it means I go a week without seeing them, then have them for a week, etc. If I then had to factor in GPs having my children for a week as well, I'd be heartbroken.

It seems to be coming from a kind place but it's just not going to work, at least at the beginning. Things get easier with time and maybe it would be great for them to have the kids when it's your weekend, for example, because there's a concert you want to go to or it's a special birthday or you're sick or whatever. But that's something to talk about in the future. This bit is the hard bit.

Lucky to have grandparents offer.

It is nice sometimes for children to spend time binding with their grandparents regardless of parents marital status.

I'd be suspicious that they're planning something to help him. Maybe next year, you'll feel differently about them going on your time as well - but not this year, not so soon and not without regular collecting and returning/CMS/lives with orders in place.

How rude.
Perhaps the children would like to go and stay.
What about what they want?

They are probably scared that they won't get to see the kids after the divorce. If you have a good relationship just text her back and say thank you but for now you think it's better they have a set routine etc and let's see how things are in august.

Have you missed the bit about a mum who doesn't want to spend even less time with her children?

They will get to see dc plenty when ex has them ime. My ils never saw my dc until we divorced. Then regular visitors..

Why is it rude? It's honest. They should be seeing the DC on their son's time rather than OP's. Just as her parents would see them on her time. If the DC do want to go, then of course they can – just on their dad's time. It's not OP's job to facilitate contact between her DC and her ex-in laws.

I’d reply “That’s a lovely offer but not necessary as I’ll have time to myself on the days they’re with their dad”.

It’s not you OP. I’d hate to be apart from my DC and definitely wouldn’t want that time extended.

If your children are 2 and 5, I don't think it's in their interests to have two different homes. I wouldn't have agreed to that, tbh, never mind losing even more time to the in laws.

I wouldn't agree to your in laws seeing them in your time, to be honest. They can arrange that with their son. And frankly, why the hell would you want a break?

I wonder of anyone has prompted her unsupervised regular access could help them navigate some access in court for themselves? Really op remember she isn't your friend. When it comes to all she will back her ds....

I'd take it as a kind offer with generous intentions. They're probably a bit worried they won't see much of the DC now and so want to stay on your good side.

I'd just thank them and say what you've said here - you'll already be without them a lot and you're still adjusting to that, so you don't want any more time away from them just yet.

Put something about it maybe changing in future so they know it's not about them.

Have they accepted that your split is permanent? It could be that they think giving you both a break will be a chance to rekindle romance…

If you do all the care, why is he able to have them 6 days a fortnight? Honestly, I would be fighting that. I don't think it's in their interests at all.

There is nothing rude about that in the slightest.

It isn't OP's job to facilitate the children seeing her ex's family. She is struggling with the prospect of having significantly less time with them so why on earth would she want to ship them off even more? She will be responsible for facilitating their relationship with her own parents presumably, which may or may not involve some overnights. Why should all the overnights with both sets of grandparents come out of OP's precious time with her children?

Having boundaries is fine. Women are not rude for saying no to people.

I’m happily married so might not ‘get it’ but my PIL are brilliant and adore our boys.

They can have them whenever they like as far as I’m concerned.

I just wouldn’t want my co-parenting to so transactional.

You say you have a good relationship with your MIL so how about just giving her a call and talk to her about it.

If he can’t or won’t care for them when you’re all under the same roof why would anyone think he’ll do a decent job once you’re living apart? On what basis has 50/50 been agreed?

Just tell her to discuss seeing them when they’re with dad.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester , sounds to me as if your in laws are hoping to find a way to help you and your husband work things out. 😔

Maybe the kids will want to stay with your parents too at some point? Would your H be keen for that to come out of his time?

If you’ve previously had a good relationship with MIL I’d do what other posters have suggested and tell her you’re already struggling with the “break” you’ll get when they’re with their Dad, and it’ll be a big upheaval for the kids to start having two homes so you’d prefer to wait until they are feeling settled and stable with that arrangement before introducing more.

I think they are hoping a bit of alone time together might just save your marriage.

Do you think time without kids would help? Or is the marriage well and truly over?